I am so anxious my partner will cheat

QUESTION:

I’ve fallen deeply in love with my partner of two years, despite feeling insecure about the relationship. I know he had multiple affairs towards the end of his 21-year marriage and I can’t help worrying he’ll do the same to me. He says it’s silly for a woman in her 50s to be this jealous. What can I do to feel more stable?

ANSWER:

Jealousy can strike anyone at pretty much any age.

Each new relationship requires a leap of faith and the ability to relax your most cynical impulses. Unless, of course, you have good reason to believe your other half is untrustworthy. In which case, why did you take up with them in the first place?

If you feel your deep love is fully reciprocated (and surely you have some sense of this after two years) then it’s no use fretting about what happened towards the end of his marriage.

I presume the relationship with his wife had broken down. It doesn’t make his behaviour forgivable, but it does make it a little more understandable.

A full-blown mid-life crisis can make perfectly ordinary men (and women, come to that) do terrible, out- of- character things. Why don’t you attempt to talk to your partner about his previous betrayals? That way you can begin to comprehend what was going on in his head.

What you need to ascertain is his motivation. Was he enjoying being a cad or was he deeply unhappy? If it’s the former, you may have some reason to worry, but I’d imagine the latter reason is more likely.

Otherwise, why would he want to enter into a stable relationship with you?

Jealousy is the most corrosive of emotions and its destructive energy proves most hazardous to the person feeling it.

You need to develop some faith in the love you’re experiencing. Don’t fix your eye on the horizon when you can enjoy what’s sensual and loving here and now.