Why have these wives ditched their husbands for other women?
. . . and is it really true, as new research claims, that many outwardly straight women are attracted to their own sex too?
KYLIE Balkhan was a married, mother of two when she fell in love with another woman. Aged 29, she says the complete lifestyle volte face came ‘totally out of the blue’ and ‘caused much agonising’ because she’d ‘never felt the slightest flicker of attraction to a woman before.’
The female in question who ended Kylie’s life of exclusive heterosexuality was an openly gay friend on whose shoulder Kylie had cried when her marriage ran into difficulties.
‘It was incredibly confusing and frightening, to be honest,’ says Kylie. ‘I suddenly realised I had feelings that were different to the affection you’d feel for a friend.
‘I went through a lot of soul-searching, and was very worried about how it would affect the children. It took a long time before I could confess my feelings to her — or to anyone.’ Kylie has been in a relationship with Michelle, 32, for the past six months and describes herself as ‘very happy’, which is the only label she feels comfortable with. ‘Now I don’t think of myself as gay, straight or bi-sexual. I don’t do labels. For me, it’s not about being attracted to men or women. I’ve learned that it’s about being in love with an individual, not a gender.’
Kylie is one of a growing number of women who are starting same-sex relationships later in life. Take actress Cynthia Nixon, Mary Portas and Jenna Lyons, creative director of giant American retailer J Crew: all high-profile women who, after a lifetime of heterosexual relationships, fell for females.
They are joined by a growing number of younger women who openly date both sexes. Popstar Miley Cyrus describes herself as ‘ pansexual’, model Cara Delevingne famously said: ‘My sexuality is not a phase. I am who I am’, and actress Kristen Stewart feels it wouldn’t be ‘true for me’ to define herself one way or the other.
Only last week, actor Johnny Depp revealed how his 16-yearold daughter, Lily-Rose, defines herself as ‘sexually fluid’, while a recent YouGov poll put the number of 18 to 24-year- olds who identify themselves as entirely heterosexual at 46 per cent, while just six per cent call themselves exclusively gay. Sexuality, it seems, is more ‘fluid’ than ever before.
BuTis it? Are women simply taking advantage of more permissive times to experiment, or have we always been a ‘little bit lesbian’?
Psychologist Dr Pam Spurr says: ‘I think a lot of women have long been in denial about finding other women attractive.
‘There have been various studies that show women become aroused by images of both men and women. They are more sexually responsive than men.’
That was the controvertial conclusion by Dr Gerulf Rieger from the Department of Psychology at the university of Essex, who earlier this month said women are ‘never heterosexual’.
Despite the majority of women claiming to be heterosexual, the study revealed their bodies told a different story in terms of sexual arousal when shown videos of naked women.
Although previous studies had already demonstrated this, Dr Rieger’s research also looked into whether the same was true of gay women: did they respond to men as well as women?
He found the arousal patterns of women who identified as being completely gay were more similar to men, whose responses tend to very accurately mirror their stated sexual preferences.
Meanwhile, Dr Spurr says that because women marry later and can end up living with a best friend, sometimes buying a property together, female friendships are more important than ever.
She explains: ‘In the first chapter of my book, The Laws Of Sisterhood: The Girlfriends’ Guide To Successful Dating, I looked at female friendships and the women I interviewed spoke of strong female friendships as being one of the most important things in their lives.
‘As a psychologist, I know that when close female friends feel a strong mental and emotional connection, the ‘cuddle hormone’ oxytocin is produced — the same hormone that’s released during sexual connections.
‘These days women are far more tactile — they hold hands, they cuddle up in front of a film, which makes it more likely that natural body chemistry is triggered. It’s not surprising things can develop sexually.’
And when they do, there is less reason to hide, according to Dr Jacqui Gabb, Associate Dean of Research at the Open university and author of Couple Relationships In The 21st Century.
‘There is certainly more sexual tolerance. As a result, labels have become less important. Young people are perhaps less inclined to “come out” at all. Why would they? They are who they are and their sexual choices are accepted more than ever before.
‘The shift in attitude is happening almost as quickly as we speak. Every time national attitudes are surveyed, they have changed again. We have come to terms with sexual fluidity and are more finessed about how we understand sexuality per se.’
Kylie, a purchasing controller from Leeds, is at pains to point out she hasn’t ‘jumped on some sort of frivolous bandwagon’. ‘It was agonising to realise I had fallen in love with a woman and to try to make sense of that,’ she says.
She met her ex-husband, John, an account manager, in April 2008 and they married two years later: ‘ When we took our marriage vows, I had no reason to doubt it would be for ever.’
They went on to have two children, now aged four and two, but the pressures of family life took their toll on the marriage. With John often away with work, Kylie ‘felt unsupported and deeply unhappy’. By the beginning of this year, she was contemplating divorce because they had reached ‘an impasse’.
THEN,in March, Kylie met Michelle, a friend of her sister’s who is openly gay, on a hen weekend. She ended up ‘pouring out all her troubles’ to Michelle. Not that she had feelings for her at this point — other than being grateful for her listening ear.
By the end of the month, Kylie had left John and moved into a rented apartment with the children. She remained in contact with Michelle, texting and speaking on the phone: ‘She was so easy to talk to, so empathetic and understanding and I grew fond of her as a friend.’
The following month, having had time to think, Kylie realised something had changed: ‘Whenever Michelle’s name flashed up on my phone, or I heard her voice, I would get butterflies — I’d never had feelings like that before, even for my husband. I thought about her all the time.
‘ I’d lie awake, my mind whirring, trying to make sense of
my feelings. Was i really falling in love or was i confusing friendship and romance?’
Eventually she told Michelle how she felt: ‘To my relief, she said those feelings were reciprocated. But equally it was scary because i didn’t feel ready to pursue a sexual relationship at that time.
in fact, it was two months before we took that step. Michelle had reassured me that we would take everything at my pace and we spent time getting to know one another so that i could be sure i was interpreting my feelings correctly: i was.’
Since then, friends and family have been accepting. Kylie acknowledges her children are too young to understand, but says: ‘if i thought at any moment that there was a chance our relationship could be detrimental to them i wouldn’t pursue it, however strong my feelings.’
The couple do not yet share a home — ‘i’m not ready for that’ — but they spend a couple of nights a week together.
So how does a deep connection with a female friend tip over into sexual attraction when you’ve never fancied women before?
Psychotherapist Diana Parkinson says there is an argument that sexual preferences can be ‘contagious’. ‘When we are in the presence of someone who’s experiencing strong feelings, we can pick up on that — it’s something i call “transference of emotions”.
‘it means that if we’re with someone who is sexually aroused, our bodies can become aroused, too.
‘i’m not saying the woman in question didn’t feel sexually attracted to her lesbian friend, but it’s a fact that we can pick up on one another’s sexual feelings. We can respond sexually without that meaning we are gay.’
Katie Bailey, a 40-year-old sales manager from Bath, is another woman for whom the sexual boundaries are decidedly blurred. like Kylie, she was married to a man for three years, and now has an 11-year-old son. Unlike Kylie, however, she confesses to relationships with both sexes ‘all her life’.
‘Even as a young child i thought girls were lovely. i found them prettier, nicer and more fascinating than boys. in my teens, i had crushes on girls, but i kept them to myself because in the Eighties it wasn’t so acceptable.’
She had her first sexual experience with a girl aged 16 but felt she ‘must date men because it was the done thing’. She was 26 when she met Matt through work, and they married in October 2003 and had son Sam, the following year.
Katie says: ‘ When i look back over our marriage, i realise, subconsciously, i did everything i could to try to ruin it.
‘i was never unfaithful to Matt, but there was a girl who i had casual encounters with for many years — just kissing. i wanted to have a relationship, but couldn’t. in the end, Matt discovered messages on my phone that were a bit sexual. He went berserk.’
The couple separated soon after, but it was a while before Katie felt comfortable enough to date women. She’s currently single after a three-year relationship ended.
‘it felt so natural to be with a woman. nothing was fake or pretentious. it was all very honest and pretty intense from early on.
‘That’s when i came out to my parents, who are in their 60s. i was astonished when Mum jokingly responded by saying: “Haven’t you heard about me and my friend Shirley?” and Dad, who is more old-fashioned, said to me: “Really? are you taking the Mickey?” But all in very good humour. They just want me to be happy.’
But as for calling herself a ‘lesbian’, Katie says: ‘ For a long time, i needed a label for myself. Was i gay? Was i straight? Was i bisexual? i honestly didn’t know.’
She concluded: ‘i don’t really fit into a box: i just like women. i can still appreciate an attractive man, but i could never have a sexual relationship with a man again.’
When her son was six, she broached the subject of her sexuality with him. ‘i waited until the two of us were very relaxed, driving to the supermarket one day, and i turned to him in the car, saying: “i think i want Victoria to be my special friend.”
‘He said: “Have you asked her?” When i said i had, he told me: “OK, we’ll keep her for a while and see how it goes.”’
yet Diana Parkinson warns the impact on children who seem to accept their parents’ sudden change of circumstance can still be profound. ‘Children do adapt, but parents splitting up will always have an effect on them,’ she says. ‘Because they depend on the adults around them, children cannot necessarily express their true feelings. They might feel distress, but they instinctively try to protect their parent — at a huge cost to themselves.’
Cindy Hayden knows only too well the heartbreak a parent ‘coming out’ can cause. now 29, she was 17 when her father left her mum for another man. Until that point, she says she, too, had been attracted to both men and women but, in the bitter aftermath of her parents’ divorce, thought she should make a decision, one way or the other.
in October 2006, she married Scott, who works in hotel management, two years after they met. She told him of her previous attraction to women but ‘it was never an issue’ in their relationship.
They had a son and seemed settled. But, she says: ‘although people assume if you are married to a man that means you are resolutely heterosexual, i still found women attractive.’
Working in a nursery, she met Sarah, the openly gay mother of one of the children: ‘Over several months we became friendly and then, in January 2009, we had a night out and shared a drunken kiss.’ after confessing to Scott, the marriage broke down in February 2009. ‘i felt disappointed that i’d hurt him the same way Dad hurt Mum.’
The two women moved in together, but the arrangement wasn’t successful. ‘ We were all struggling to adjust to living together. and i felt in a bit of a pickle, too — i hadn’t had space to come to terms with the end of my marriage or openly admit to my bisexuality. My son, who is very accepting of the relationship, and i went back to our own home.’
according to Cindy, Sarah is ‘gay and proud’ and would like her to ‘describe myself as a lesbian’. But like many in her position, it seems, Cindy is reluctant because ‘i know i can still feel attracted to men as well as women’.
But there are those who feel throwing off traditional labels like ‘lesbian’ is a form of denial — and that there is a dubious cachet to calling yourself ‘sexually fluid’ in some circles. Gay author Stephanie Theobald says: ‘There seems to be a flood of women marrying other women — but not referring to themselves as lesbians.
‘Jeanette Winterson, who married fellow writer Susie Orbach this summer, has said: ‘i don’t for instance consider myself to be a lesbian. i want to be beyond those descriptive constraints.’ While Orbach calls herself ‘post-heterosexual.’
‘Maybe using woolly words like ‘sexually fluid’ and ‘post-heterosexual’ makes women feel more easy about being lesbians, but part of me thinks it’s a shame.
‘i love using the word “lesbian”, even though i am also attracted to men. it’s a word that still packs a massive punch and makes people think — in a way that words such as “sexual fluidity” don’t.’ Additional reporting: