LITTLEJOHN

ON THE face of it, there doesn’t appear to be much of a connection between a stripping Ninja in a batman mask and the European summit meeting in brussels. although, come to think of it, these Eu gabfests would be hugely enlivened if the delegates agreed to wear fancy dress.

Call Me Dave could go as Luke skywalker, wielding his light saber as he tries to persuade our reluctant ‘ partners’ to grant him some kind of meaningless concession he can present as a ‘victory’.

The other 27 national leaders could turn up dressed as assorted star Wars characters. angela Merkel already looks a bit like an Ewok.

That blonde Danish bird who’s married to Kinnochio’s boy would have made a passable Princess Leia, if she hadn’t lost her country’s general election earlier this year. It would appear that none of those gormless selfies with Dave and barack obama was enough save her bacon. and it’s a pity Germany’s gargantuan gourmand Helmut Kohl isn’t still around. He’d have cut a marvellous Jabba The Hutt.

This pointless summit could certainly have done with something to put a bit of oomph into it. The obligatory team photo was Fifty shades of Grey suits, with britain, as usual, on the end of a good spanking.

Cameron’s entire renegotiation strategy is a complete farce. He’s not addressing any of the big issues, which are exactly the same as they were at the time of John Major’s Maastricht sell-out two decades ago.

Will any new deal restore our national sovereignty and give us the power to pass our own laws and control immigration, without any interference from unelected bureaucrats in brussels? No way, Pedro, as Del boy Trotter used to say.

That’s why Dave is making such a song and dance about his modest plan to restrict welfare benefits for millions of Eu passport holders we can’t stop from moving to britain.

Needless to say, he’s hit a brick wall of opposition from other countries, who say such a system would amount to ‘discrimination’.

I’m surprised it hasn’t been labelled ‘racist’, too, but there’s still time.

The Poles are particularly exer- cised about the proposal, because it would hit so many of their citizens who moved to britain after they joined the Eu in 2004.

For the record, I have no problem with Poles who have come to work here. but I don’t think they should immediately qualify for in- work benefits, such as misleadingly named ‘tax credits’ — which are nothing more than state handouts, pure and simple.

The Polish government is feigning outrage, insisting its citizens should not be treated differently from british-born employees who have paid taxes all their working lives. but MILLIonaIre ehsan abdulaziz has been cleared of raping a teenager after claiming that he fell on top of her by accident. He admits he may have inadvertently penetrated her when he tripped over at the end of her bed. Don’t laugh. It can happen. I’m reminded of the comment of a former girlfriend of tory MP nicholas ‘Bunter’ Soames. ‘Making love to nick was like having a double wardrobe land on top of you with the key sticking out.’ Labour’s Pixie-balls Cooper turned up on the wireless yesterday complaining about women being trolled on social media. For some reason, though, the interviewer forgot to ask Pixie when she will be making good on her promise to welcome a syrian refugee family into one of her two lovely homes. We’re all dying to know. why should british taxpayers have to dole out money to foreigners, especially when their own governments would never dream of showing them such generosity?

Do you know how many british citizens are receiving welfare benefits in Poland, the last time anyone looked? one. Yep, that’s right: o-N-E, one. so we’re not exactly dealing with a level playing field here. and I can see no good reason, either, why Polish workers in this country should receive child benefits for their kids who live in Poland.

actually, I don’t think anyone — british or foreign — should receive in-work benefits. If employers won’t pay their staff a living wage, they don’t deserve to be in business. and the best way to lift people out of poverty and create wealth is by slashing taxes.

Having said all that, there are plenty of foreign nationals who do come here simply to sponge off our welfare system, most visibly the tens of thousands of roma gipsies from Eastern Europe.

but the Poles aren’t among them and neither are hundreds of thousands of other Eu citizens who are happy to take jobs which boneidle british natives refuse to do.

That doesn’t mean, however, we should subsidise them. The fact is that our ludicrous welfare system continues to be routinely abused by british citizens and foreigners alike and acts as a magnet for migrants from all over the world. Iain Duncan smith is making heroic progress in trying to reform welfare. but it is a sisyphean struggle, in the teeth of entrenched, institutionalised, shroud-waving opposition.

Which brings us to the stripping Ninja in the batman mask. (You wondered when I would get round to him, didn’t you?) His name is Mark Hetherington and he’s just been found guilty of stealing more than £5,000 in benefits by pretending to be agoraphobic.

Despite telling the Department of Work and Pensions that he had panic attacks every time he left the house, Hetherington, from blackpool, made a living as a male stripper, often ending up wearing nothing more than a batman mask and a pair of nipple tassels.

He is just the latest crook uncovered by DWP inspectors, whose neverending task in seeking out bogus benefit claimants is right up there with whoever has the contract to repaint the Forth bridge. Instead of trying to reform welfare, the Government would be better off ripping it up and starting again.

WELFarE should be a safety net, not a way of life. The complexities and potential for abuse built into the system can be blamed squarely on Gordon brown, who used billions of pounds of taxpayers’ money to build a client state — part of a cynical masterplan which also included encouraging millions of migrants to move to britain in the hope that they would return the favour by voting Labour.

In a perfect world, we wouldn’t need immigrants to fill british jobs. unless you are seriously disabled, there’s no reason for anyone to be out of work in this country.

only yesterday, George osborne announced that employment was at its highest level for almost 45 years, with an extra 207,000 people finding gainful employment in the quarter to october. Private sector jobs have hit a record 26 million, up 565,000 in a year.

There is simply no justification for continuing to lavish welfare on any but the most deserving cases, whether they were born in Warsaw or Walsall. Instead of tinkering with migrant benefits, Cameron should scale back welfare for everyone.

Then he might be able to concentrate on a proper, fundamental renegotiation of britain’s membership and return with a deal which even hardened, visceral opponents of the European union, like me, could actually support. May the force be with him. and if scroungers like the stripping Ninja in the batman mask object to losing their benefits, they can always try their luck in Poland.