It’s the Flying Squad, guv – the eagle has landed
Say what you like about Bernard Hyphen-Howe — and I have, repeatedly — but he’s certainly provided me with plenty of material for this column over the years. Take yesterday. There I was, staring at the wordface, stumped for something new to fill this page, when the soon-to-be-ex Met commissioner came riding to the rescue. Or perhaps that should be: flying to the rescue. Bernard’s latest brainwave is to use eagles to bring down rogue drones guided by terrorists and criminals.
yes, I know it sounds like one of those daft schemes dreamed up by the committee which meets once a week to give me something to write about. But Bernard is deadly serious.
He got the idea for a 21st-century Flying Squad after watching a video on youTube. as you do. It showed a small drone being plucked from the sky above Holland by a specially trained bird of prey.
Hyphen-Howe immediately dispatched a chief inspector to the Netherlands to investigate further. I’d have loved to have been a fly on the wall at Scotland yard during that ‘senior management’ meeting.
‘OK, so we’ve nicked everyone who appeared on TV and Radio 1 in the Seventies. We’ve raided the homes of the former Home Secretary and a 92-year-old war hero. We’ve arrested dozens of journalists for an offence under an obscure 13th-century law, which a judge says isn’t even a crime. What are we going to do for an encore?’
‘The lads at the airport said they’re having big problems with drones, guv. and my mate who’s a warder at the Scrubs says drones are being used to smuggle drugs over the prison walls.’ ‘What, you mean like R2-D2 in Star Wars?’ ‘No, guv, he’s a droid, not a drone.’ ‘I thought droids were those Welshmen who dress up in long robes and dance round Stonehenge during the solstice.’
‘They’re druids, guv. Drones are those minihelicopter jobs. Very popular these days. you can get one at argos for under 50 quid.’ ‘Can’t say I’ve noticed.’ ‘That’s because you spend most of your time watching television in the back of your new Range Rover.’ ‘What are you muttering?’ ‘ Nothing, guv. Just talking to myself.’
‘Careful. First sign of madness. It’s what did for Ian Blair in the end.’
ANyway, guv, the antiterror squad is worried that Izal might get their hands on one of these drones, pack it with explosives and fly it into a public building.’ ‘Can’t we just shoot them down?’ ‘No, guv, too dangerous.’ ‘So what are we going to do?’ ‘There’s a video on youTube of an eagle bringing down a drone in Holland.’ ‘An eagle?’ ‘yes, guv. Here, have a look. I’ve got it on my iPad.’
‘ That’s clever. Look at those talons. I wouldn’t want to be on the end of it.’
‘apparently, the Dutch police have been using eagles for some time.’
‘Brilliant. George, shoot over to Amsterdam and check it out. And, Pat, have a word with the endangered species unit and ask if they know where we can lay our hands on half a dozen eagles.’
Trust me, this isn’t a wind-up. a Met spokesman said: ‘as would be expected in an organisation that is transforming, we take an interest in all innovative ideas and will, of course, be looking at the use of eagles by Dutch police.’
Transforming? Don’t tell me Bernard is planning to have a sexchange operation, just so he can claim ‘transphobia’ when he’s forced out.
I know it sounds mad, but the plan to use eagles against drones is kosher. The Dutch copper behind the idea explained: ‘ The bird sees the drone as prey and takes it to a safe area.’
where will it all end? If this catches on, pretty soon the skies over London will be dark with squadrons of police eagles. It’ll be like the Blitz all over again, especially if the resident pigeons resent the eagles entering their territory. There’ll be blood and feathers everywhere.
and if eagles can be deployed successfully against drones, then the sky’s the limit. why shouldn’t they be used on other operations, too, such as dawn raids and demonstrations?
Theresa May won’t let Bernard use water cannon, but what’s to stop him showering anarchist protesters with eagle droppings from a great height?
They could also serve as a deterrent. No petty criminal is going to fancy being dragged out of bed by a ruddy great eagle crashing through the window at six o’clock in the morning.
and if the Met is going to start using eagles, why not other wildlife? For instance, they’d soon get a signed confession if they stuffed a couple of ferrets down the front of a suspect’s trousers.
I suppose anything’s worth a try. Drones are becoming an increasing menace these days. will this be the breakthrough policing initiative that persuades Theresa May to ignore Hyphen-Howe’s scandalous and repeated abuse of power and award him the three-year contract extension he so desperately seeks?
Probably not. But you never know. as I wrote last week, Theresa’s already performed a cynical, selfserving volte-face on Europe, so she’s quite capable of perpetuating the reign of terror of The Man who Shames The Met, as the Mail dubbed him on Saturday.
Still, he’s dug me out of another Monday morning hole. My only dilemma now is whether to file The Eagle Has Landed under Mind How you Go or you Couldn’t Make It Up.