LITTLEJOHN

TIME to cross to our U.S. affiliate, Eye Witness News, Palm Beach, for an American perspective on the EU referendum . . .

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GOOD morning, America, how are you? This is your favourite son, Chad Hanging, with another three hours of news you can use. Let’s go over to our chief foreign correspondent, Brit Limey, for the latest on the future of Europe.

Good morning, Chad. I’m standing in front of world-famous Winchester Cathedral, in the heart of Swinging London, where President Cameroon has just fired the starting gun for the independence referendum.

I thought they already held the independence referendum, Brit?

That was a different referendum to decide whether Scotlandland broke away from the Yew-Kay. And did it? No, Chad, the Scotch people voted narrowly to stay in the Yew-Kay, although the Scotch Nuts insist they still want full independence from Englandland. So what’s this referendum about? It’s about whether the Yew-Kay remains part of the Eurovision Union or reverts to home rule.

I’m guessing the Scotch Nuts are going to be campaigning to leave again, then, Brit.

Negatory, Chad. The Scotch Nuts want to stay.

Run that by me, again, Brit. If I’m hearing you right, the Scotch Nuts don’t want to be ruled by Englandland, but they don’t mind being ruled by the Eurovision Union?

Go figure. In this referendum, the leader of the Scotch Nuts, Wee Burney, will be campaigning alongside President Cameroon of Englandland, who is leading the Remain campaign.

Wasn’t President Cameroon elected as a Euroseptic?

He was, Chad. He also promised he would negotiate fundamental changes to Britain’s relationship with the Continent. Such as? Getting back the Yew-Kay’s ability to pass its own laws, control its own borders, sign free trade agreements with other countries like the U.S. Pretty basic stuff.

You mean right now the Yew-Kay can’t do any of that?

That’s a big Ten-Four. All those issues are decided by unelected bureaucrats and judges in Brussels, where the sprouts come from. How did that happen? Eurovision started out as a coal and steel community, but over the years has seized more and more power. Who voted for that? Nobody. The people of the YewKay thought they were joining a free trade area, like NAFTA, not a United States of Europe. As it stands, they’re not even allowed to catch their own fish any more. How does that work, Brit? The Eurovision Union has 28 members. And even though Britain has the fifth largest economy in the world and is the fourth largest military power, it can be outvoted by countries such as Latvia, Lithuania and Malta.

So that would be like the U.S. belonging to a political union dominated by South American banana republics and Canada?

Precisely. And our Supreme Court could be overruled by foreign judges sitting in Panama. So you can understand why so many people in the Yew-Kay want out. You only have to look at the Eurovision Song Contest to see how other countries gang up to give the Yew-Kay null points year after year. Englandland has less autonomy than even the smallest U.S. state.

But President Cameroon says he has negotiated a deal which affords the Yew-Kay special status and fixes all those problems?

Not exactly, Chad. He pretty much returned empty handed.

Why is he so desperate to remain, then?

Beats me. He does say that if the Yew-Kay leaves, millions of jobs will be lost.

What, like the coal mines and steel mills will shut? They already have shut, Chad. So what are the other big issues? Migration, Chad. Millions of migrants from Africa, the Middle East and beyond are flooding into Europe, including 6,000 Izal jihadis. That’s crazy. Agreed, Chad. But the German President, Mrs Merkin, invited them in. And now tens of thousands of them are headed for Englandland.

Can’t they build a wall, Brit, like the one Trump wants to build on the Mexican border?

They’ve already got the English Channel. But if Mrs Merkin gives the migrants the right to settle in Germany, there’s nothing to stop them moving to Englandland. Why’s that? Englandland is subject to Eurovision laws on free movement, so these jihadis could soon be setting up shop in London and carrying out a Paris-style massacre.

And what does Cameroon say about that?

He says Britain is stronger and safer inside the Eurovision Union. Is he mad? Quite possibly, Chad. They all go mad in the end. But there’s a lot of support for letting the migrants into the Yew- Kay, especially from celebrities such as Benjamin Cumberbitch, Amelia Thompson and Jude Lawson.

Didn’t Cumberbitch win an Oscar, for that film about the academic in a wheelchair, The Theory Of Enigma?

No, that was the other one, Eddie Waring, nominated again this year for playing a Danish transgender. Who else is backing Cameroon? There’s the Homeland Minister Theresa Maine. She’s like Hillary Clinton, only without Bill, and without the sense of humour or the ability to bark like a dog. Anyone else? The leader of the opposition Labor Party, Jeremy Corbett.

What, the tall one from Top Gear? I love that guy. No, that’s Jeremy Clarkson. So who’s this Corbett? He’s Britain’s answer to Bernie Sanders, a self-proclaimed socialist.

But if he’s a socialist and the leader of the Opposition, why is he backing Cameroon?

Corbett has never met a terrorist he doesn’t like. Plus he hates the real leader of the Opposition, London Mayor Boris Johnson.

Yeah, right. The Bernie Woofter character, from J.K. Wodehouse. I think I saw him, once, on the David Letterman show. Or was it Jay Leno? He’s the one with the hair like Donald Trump, yeah?

Pretty close, Chad. But there’s another guy here who can give Trump’s rug a run for his billions, name of Michael Fabregas. This Johnson, he’s Labor, right? No, he’s a Conservative. He wants to be President when Cameroon leaves office.

In that case, why would Johnson go against his own leader? Surely Conservative party members will punish him for his disloyalty?

Quite the opposite. The vast majority of the Conservative grassroots want to leave Eurovision, as do half the party’s Congressmen in the House of Lords at Winchester. It’s Cameroon who’s out of step with his own side.

What else do we know about Johnson, Brit?

He sees himself as the true heir to Sir Winston Churchill, Chad. Wrote a book about him.

So he’s an old-fashioned British Bulldog, born and bred?

Actually, he was born in New York and he has Turkish blood. He describes himself as a European.

So why is he campaigning against Eurovision, Brit?

Cynics might say that he worked out early on that he’d never become President of the U.S. So he hopes standing up to Europe will help him become President of Englandland.

OK, I get where Johnson’s coming from. What’s in this for Cameroon?

That is the question, Chad, as Chaucer wrote in Bleak House.

Why the hell would the democratically elected President of Englandland turn his back on his own people and join forces with Mrs Merkin and the Eurovision elite? Surely any country forced to pay taxes to a foreign power and unable to make its own laws isn’t a real country at all. Holy rigatoni, Brit, that’s why we Americans had a revolution!