Ephraim Hardcastle
BRASSIERE baroness Lady Mone, 44 – ennobled last year by her biggest fan, David Cameron – announces on Twitter: ‘Date, set & match … maiden speech 7th March. You’d think I’d be used to it by now but this one scares the s*** out of me.’ In place of ‘s***’ her ladyship appends a drawing of a heap of ordure. So refined!
LABOUR leader Jeremy Corbyn selfimportantly told the House: ‘I was in Brussels meeting heads of government and leaders of European socialist parties, one of whom said to me…’ At which point, a loud (Tory) voice interrupted to supply the missing words: ‘Who are you?’ MPs laughed heartily but Corbyn’s front bench colleagues, Andy Burnham and Angela Eagle, more or less managed to retain their composure.
DISTINGUISHED Shakespearean star Michael Pennington’s recent tome, How to Be An Actor, is shortlisted for the Sheridan Morley Prize for Theatrical Biography. Pennington, 72, muses: ‘I’ve worked closely with John Gielgud, Paul Scofield, Judi Dench, Meryl Streep and George Lucas. Douglas Fairbanks liked my Hamlet …’ Name dropper!
SPORTS minister Tracey Crouch, 40, pictured – who has an on-off relationship with BBC Radio Kent presenter Steve Ladner, 44–announces to the media: ‘Dear journos, I gave birth 4 days ago. With respect [the] only decision I’ll make today is which breast pump to buy, not how I’ll vote in June! I know you have a job to do but my priorities are elsewhere. Sorry.’ Tory ladies ain’t how they used to be, are they?
CHANNEL 5’s royal documentary tonight, Inside Buckingham Palace, rehashes some old stories about the Duke of Edinburgh’s alleged friskiness. A source tells me: ‘One of Philip’s great joys was to disappear in his black cab and drive around London without bodyguards or police escort. Nobody knew where he went. When a major security review saw all royal vehicles fitted with tracking devices, he lost interest in taking his taxi out for a spin.’
THE Queen pampers her dogs but Dame Barbara Cartland was even more indulgent. A friend of the romantic novelist describes a visit to her Herts mansion: ‘A sumptuous tea had been laid out. Dame Barbara loaded three Royal Crown Derby plates with a selection of cakes, savouries and sandwiches before summoning her three Pekingese dogs. There was no nonsense about the plates going on the floor. The dogs sat on chairs at the table. I had to fend for myself.’
RACING commentator Sir Peter O’Sullevan’s career as a punter is revealed by a letter – unearthed in his archive – from his Soho bookmaker William Wood, saying: ‘After three years during which you have won consistently we shall have to give you our best and ask you to bet elsewhere. You are too good for us!’ The Voice of Racing’s winning streak lasted until his death, aged 97, last July.