How often should couples with children make love?
EVERY NIGHT says mother of four Rachel in an account that will leave other worn out wives either envious – or horror-struck
THIS evening, once our four young children are tucked up in bed, my husband Paul and I will head upstairs together for an early night. We might share a bubble bath, with candles and sultry music. Afterwards, we might give each other a massage and, chances are, we’ll make love before falling asleep in each other’s arms. Considering the chaos of family life, you might imagine this to be a special occasion, but we have sex practically every night.
Intimacy is a huge part of our 13-year relationship; the glue that bonds our marriage together. Having four children is no excuse for letting your love life dwindle.
That’s why I was shocked when I read in the Mail about the disturbing, unapologetic confession of a mother-of-four who revealed she no longer wants sex with her partner.
I felt desperately sorry for this couple: only in their 20s and having been together for no more than six years, I was surprised they would let a crucial side of their relationship wane.
I, too, am a stay-at-home mother of four children — Jake, ten, Kyla, nine, Abigail, five, and Zachary, three. I’m 31 and have no outside help when Paul, 39, who owns his own logistics company, is at work all week. I’ve also suffered from postnatal depression, and I know how debilitating and lonely that can feel.
But after a day spent looking after the children, I positively yearn for Paul’s embrace. His desire for me makes me feel alive, confident and secure. It has boosted my self- esteem and I believe helped me through postnatal depression, as well as the devastation of two miscarriages. I could never imagine going for days — let alone months — without making love with him.
I was 17 when we met while working for the same logistics company: Paul was one of the bosses. When we started dating, we waited months before making love. When we did, the chemistry was palpable — and it has remained so over a decade together and four children.
For some women — and their partners — the thought of sex during pregnancy is a huge turn off. But for me that’s when my libido goes through the roof.
Paul used to joke: ‘Leave me alone, I’m exhausted!’ OF Course, there are times when nature knows best. Like most new mums, sex was the last thing on my mind immediately after giving birth. But it never even occurred to me that things wouldn’t pick up again in the bedroom as soon as I healed.
After my six-week check-up, we became intimate again and it felt so natural. It was gentler than before the birth, but a relief to be able to show each other physical affection again.
Not that it was plain-sailing: I struggled with over-tiredness and began to suffer lethargy. I was also worried I wasn’t bonding with Jake. When he was four months old, I was diagnosed with postnatal depression and prescribed antidepressants.
For some, libido vanishes with depression. But, if anything, sex became more important to me, as it helped me more than any medication. The endorphin release that sex produces boosted my feel-good hormones like no tablet ever could.
eight months later, I was thrilled to be pregnant again and, as with Jake, our sex life remained regular throughout the pregnancy. After the birth, however, I found I wasn’t as sexually confident as before.
My body had changed, but the fact Paul found me attractive made me feel sexy and desirable.
We were lucky, of course, that our two children slept well. I can completely understand why some mothers say they are too exhausted to want sex.
But even on my most bleary-eyed days, I can spare an hour to be intimate with my husband. It’s about putting the effort in.
Am I doing it just for Paul? I crave my husband’s physical attention as much as he needs me.
I make an extra special effort for him, too.
I may live in a mum uniform of jeans and a T- shirt during the day, but underneath it I always wear beautiful, matching, lacy lingerie. It’s as much a treat for me as it is for him.
Naturally, there have been moments where our sex life has dwindled a little. In 2009, I suffered two miscarriages. The first was around eight weeks and the second was confirmed at our 12-week scan.
It was devastating and this was the first time I became very wary of sex — wanting to get pregnant but at the same time worried if I did. Paul was very understanding. We took things slowly.
It took six months to get pregnant again, but at 27 weeks I was diagnosed with placenta praevia ( where the placenta blocks the neck of the uterus) and sex had to take a back seat for six weeks, until Abigail was born.
Before the birth I was hospitalised and ironically, despite the fact we didn’t even share a bed during that period, those six weeks apart really brought Paul and I together more than ever. Whenever he’d visit, he’d squeeze on to the small hospital bed and we’d share a cuddle. I missed him terribly. My pregnancy with Zachary, 14 months later, was a lovely surprise. It was a textbook pregnancy and Paul and I were intimate even up to the night before the birth. That boosted my self- esteem no end. Today, sex is just as important to us as it ever was, if not more so. As busy working parents of four children, you might expect us to have to schedule it into the diary, but that would spoil the fun. Instead, we simply go to bed around 10.30pm and make love most nights.
I’d have to re-evaluate my entire relationship if I hadn’t had sex for more than a few days. It’s not
that I think Paul would look elsewhere. Some women say they go off sex because their body has changed or their partner’s body has altered. Paul and I are by no means perfect specimens. I was a size 8 and now I’m a 14-16. Paul’s weight has fluctuated, too.
But in all that time, we’ve never stopped fancying each other. There are even times when Paul nips home in his lunch hour so we can make love.
Of course, relationships are based on more than just sex. But while my children are my priority while they are young, I’d say it’s naive for any wife to neglect her husband or her sex life.
After all, Paul is my best friend. He was here before we had our children and he will be here when they’ve flown the nest.
We see it happen so often — couples separating when their children have left home because they have nothing at all in common. I could never allow that to happen.
PAUL SAYS:
If Rachel was to reject me I’d have spoken up about it months ago.
Keeping the lines of communication open in a marriage when it comes to sex is vital and I think Rachel and I have become really good at this over the years.
Of course after children things do change, but exhaustion is no excuse. If you value something, you should put the work in and that includes sex. I can honestly say that I still think Rachel is sexy and beautiful. I love her more than ever and sex brings a feeling of togetherness and being ‘ one’ which reinforces that love.
It doesn’t always have to be about full sex either.
Our children are forever rolling their eyes when they come into the kitchen and Mum and Dad are having another cuddle or kiss.
But I hope we’re doing that long into our old age. It’s what keeps any marriage alive.