How to be a super STEP GRAN

It’s a notoriously fraught role more and more women are playing. But help is at hand ...

YOu’Re happy for your child. Of course you are. Your son or daughter has a new partner. They’re in love. There’s only one problem: it’s not quite the fairytale you imagined.

The one where boy meets girl, boy marries girl, and adorable babies follow at a respectable later date.

Your child’s new partner already has a child of their own. Or even children. Which means someone else’s children, unrelated to you, are about to become your step-grandchildren.

It’s a common enough story in this age of separations, divorce and blended families. But that doesn’t make it any less emotionally complicated. What are the rules? Are there any rules?

For a start, if you are not already a grandparent, this probably isn’t the fantasy you had about your first grandchild. You were more likely to be thinking of a tiny baby, smelling deliciously of milk, who would smile for grandma and look like your side of the family.

No one longs for an unrelated, sulky 13-year-old who scowls a lot and is only interested in her Instagram feed.

If you already have grandchildren, are you meant to love these new ones however grown-up, grumpy and resentful they are? What if you prefer the ones you had before?

When I was editing Gransnet, the social networking site, this question of whether people felt the same about their step-grandchildren as their ‘real’ ones was a cause of strong disagreement.

Some grandparents insisted it was simply impossible to ever love the ‘steps’ as much as the ‘naturals’.

ONegrandmother, who had acquired a sevenyear- old step-grandson, summed it up: ‘We have to accept and love this little boy because our son is going to be a parent to him, but something’s struggling in my head. I think it would be easier if he were smaller.’

There is also the question of what brought the child into your life: if your son or daughter has left a partner you liked, you may find it difficult enough to bond with the new lover, let alone the new lover’s children.

Grandparents can feel sadness, disappointment, even shame at the ending of a marriage.

We tend to invest hope in our children’s relationships. We want to believe their partners will be there for them far into the future. So there may be grief to get through before we can embrace the idea of a new, different family.

Clinical psychologist Dr Carol Burniston says it’s important to remember that not all grandparental relationships are perfect, even where everyone is related.

‘A lot of women will tell you privately that they feel closer to their daughters’ children than to their sons’ children, ’ she says. ‘And women who have five or six grandchildren often admit to having favourites.

‘ So it’s not surprising that people sometimes feel differently about their step-grandchildren.’

Your relationship with your step-grandchildren will depend partly on how often you see them and what else is going on.

It’s easier if you live near by. It’s also probably easier if they arrive in your life when they are quite small. Teenagers, after all, are notoriously tricky.

To complicate things further, step-grandchildren may already have other people in their lives and be firmly convinced that they have a prior claim.

Some ‘ steps’ arrive already equipped with involved, caring grandparents. There may not be much room for any more — which can generate jostling for position and unhelpful sniping.

Such squabbling among the adults may transmit itself to the children, who will feel that exciting outings to the seaside with new granny are disloyal to the steadily reliable old one.

So they may appear reluctant or unenthusiastic, which can seem like rejection of new granny’s careful plans.

It doesn’t have to be this complicated, of course: many stepgrandparents feel nothing but delight in the relationship. But even so, the question remains: do you treat everyone the same?

What if you’re already paying into a savings account for one grandchild and they acquire a step- sibling? And what about presents: do you give everyone the same? What about when it comes to making your will?

Dr Burniston says this last question can be tricky. ‘If your steps are very young when you acquire them, by the time your will comes into play they will have been in your life a long time.

‘In that case, you may want to treat all the grandchildren equally. But you shouldn’t feel guilty about “favouring” your blood grandchildren if, say, your steps have other grandparents who intend to provide for them.’

Most grandparents, in fact, take a more-the-merrier view. They may not feel exactly the same about all their grandchildren — but, on the whole, having them is better than not. The great thing about love is that it isn’t finite. If you need more, it just expands.

Relationships in the real world don’t always reflect what would show up on a family tree, as parents, and grandparents, will surely testify.

‘In our family, we have far better step-grandparents than the ones created by the accident of birth,’ says Gemma, a mother of two.

Sheadds: ‘I have felt incredibly welcomed by my husband’s parents. I don’t suppose I was what they dreamt of for their son — a woman with a history and a couple of kids. But they have been wonderful, with my elder boy especially.’

One seasoned step-grandparent recommends spending time alone with step-grandchildren.

‘Listen to them and tell them about your family so they don’t feel like outsiders when everyone is together. But respect their family traditions: don’t be competitive. Let them take the lead.’

It takes a village to raise a child, it’s often said. Most parents are grateful for any help they can get. And then one thing leads to another: even if love isn’t instantaneous, it often grows.

Perhaps the last word should go to the grandparent who observes that the reason you’re called a ‘step’ is that: ‘You step up [to the role], you step in [when needed], and you step back [when that’s the graceful thing to do]’.

Follow that formula and you might just find magic happens.