People just don’t realise how lonely it is when your loved one’s fighting cancer
A heart-wrenching interview with the wife of BBC newsreader George Alagiah
Two years ago, Frances Alagiah was in a meeting at work when she received a phone call that turned life upside down. over the line came the voice of her husband of 30 years, the award-winning BBC journalist George Alagiah.
The presenter of News At Six was calling from hospital. He had recently noticed some blood in his stools and had been referred for a colonoscopy — an examination of the bowel with a tiny camera.
‘He had already had a number of tests and everyone — the GP and the first consultant he saw — said there didn’t appear to be any cause for concern,’ says Frances, 59, who is speaking about their experience for the first time.
‘He wasn’t losing weight, he was full of energy, so there were no alarm bells.
‘we were so convinced there was nothing wrong and that it was probably a case of piles that I didn’t go with him to the final test, the colonoscopy.’
But that morning, very suddenly, the picture changed — and life changed, for ever. ‘It’s not good news,’ George told his wife. In fact, says Frances, over the following days ‘the news got worse and worse’.
George was diagnosed with stage four bowel cancer — the most advanced stage, where the cancer has spread from its original site.
Further scans showed the cancer was in his lymph nodes, raising the risk of it travelling elsewhere in the body. There were also eight tumours on his liver.
To their great relief, they learnt the cancer was operable. Even so, with George aged just 58 at the time, the diagnosis came as a devastating shock to the couple, who have been together since they met at Durham University, when Frances was 19 and George was 20, and have two sons, Adam, 29, and Matt, 25.
over the next two years, George would undergo 17 rounds of chemotherapy and three operations; gruelling for him — and also for his family.
Frances is head of fundraising at the charity Fairtrade Foundation, but she had previously worked as a paramedic, so had an idea of what cancer treatment would involve and the side-effects.
‘I suppose it meant I wasn’t squeamish and I’d be able to cope with the needles and dressings,’ she says.
‘what I wasn’t sure about was whether I’d be able to cope with the emotional upheaval, of looking after George and seeing him ill and in pain.’ Frances was right to steel herself. A report published last month by the charity Beating Bowel Cancer highlights the impact of the disease on loved ones. Family members of people diagnosed with cancer reported relationship strain, family break-ups, sleepless nights, fear, loneliness and guilt.
only 66 per cent of family members and friends felt they were given the information and help they needed while trying to support their loved one through treatment.
This dropped to 55 per cent when trying to help with after-effects.
ANDmany were suffering in silence: 15 per cent of those surveyed said they didn’t speak to anyone about their feelings.
‘Partners hold it together and feel they need to stay strong for everyone,’ says Charlotte Dawson, head of the nursing advisory service at Beating Bowel Cancer. ‘Everything falls on them, but often they feel guilty or weak asking for help.’
Mike osborn, a psychologist at Royal United Hospitals in Bath who specialises in counselling people affected by cancer, adds: ‘They have the worry about their loved one, they have to carry the burden of care and take over running the household.
‘They may become the sole wage earner for some time. In among all this, they may also be trying to prepare themselves for the worst.’
Frances says she can understand how loneliness can be an issue for people caring for a loved one with cancer. ‘ George and I are best friends. I was going through the hardest thing I’d ever been through and the person I had always turned to, in a way, wasn’t available to me.
‘ Your relationship shifts very quickly and you have to seek support elsewhere.’
She describes how she felt the need to protect her husband and be strong for him. ‘It was clear from the beginning that George couldn’t cope with us being incredibly upset. So we tried to ensure we did not do our falling apart in front of him.
‘George has four sisters, two of whom live in London, and they are close friends of mine. Along with my own sister, they were a central support to me.’
Sometimes, though, it was hard to hold back the tears.
‘I remember the first scan he had after he’d started chemotherapy and we both suddenly found ourselves crying,’ she says.
‘we hadn’t said it, but at the back of our minds had been the question: “Is it working?” It was such a relief when we found that it had.’
The tumours were showing signs of shrinking, but George needed more chemotherapy before he could have surgery. Frances made it her mission to keep her husband eating, despite the effect of the drugs on his appetite.
She knew that if he lost weight the chemotherapy dose would have to be reduced. George has described eating ladles of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.
‘His tastebuds went and he had lots of nausea, so he needed flavours that cut through it,’ says Frances. ‘He liked lots of lime juice on things, and lots of strong herbs, such as dill.’
But there was little she could do to help his crushing tiredness. ‘I’d watch him take the infusion and would see him turning grey. His energy evaporated.’
This was just the beginning of a very tough journey. In August 2014, George underwent surgery to remove the tumours on his liver. what was supposed to be a four-hour operation ended up taking ten.
‘It didn’t go as planned, and his recovery was very slow. He was ill and feverish for weeks and weeks,’ says Frances.
He then suffered an allergic reaction to antibiotics he was taking. ‘I remember at one point asking the doctors: “Is he ever going to get better?”
‘That was probably the toughest point of all.’
She learned the importance of asking for help — of having friends to cry with, as well as to provide logistical support. ‘I’d come home late from hospital and find a hot meal waiting on the doorstep. People were just fantastic.’
She says returning to work, when she could, was a vital source of normality, and that she realised she needed respite.
‘At one point during the chemo, my sisters-in-law bundled me off to my sister’s for two nights. It was challenging for me, relinquishing control, but I needed it.’
Mike osborn says this is vital for those caring for someone with cancer. ‘ Assume that it’s going to be hard work and don’t be ashamed of your worry or anxiety. It doesn’t mean you’re not coping.
‘And your welfare and health is just as crucial as theirs.’
Frances says things were helped by George’s resolute optimism. ‘He’s got a very equable temperament anyway and he just never doubted he was going to get better.
‘That’s not to say he didn’t have moments of losing it, but they were few and far between.
‘He had this mantra that he repeated to himself: “Nothing is certain, everything is possible.” ’
Eventually George rallied and was well enough to undergo liver surgery again.
Last year, a year after his diagnosis, George had a third operation to remove the cancer in his bowel. He was fitted with an ileostomy bag to collect waste while his colon heals — he hopes this will be reversed in the future.
HESLowLY recovered, taking walks in the local park — Frances organised a rota of friends to accompany him.
So far, scans have shown no sign of the cancer recurring. In November, George went back to work, presenting News At Six for the first time after an 18-month break.
Unbeknown to him, Frances and his extended family came to the BBC studios and gathered in a room to watch his first broadcast, greeting him with tearful hugs and cheers afterwards.
‘Getting him back to reading the news was a huge goal for us,’ she says. ‘It’s what he loves doing.’
Now 60, George has scans every three months and is still adjusting to living with a stoma bag.
Frances says: ‘He can’t have anything with roughage, so no fruit, no veg, no potato with peel on.
‘He’s mainly eating white starch and protein. He has to eat to a timetable and then help control it with drugs, and take supplements, too.’
George has said he is ‘ a richer person’ from having cancer — amazingly, he managed to finish writing a novel while off work. Frances agrees that the experience has brought them even closer.
‘You can fall upon cliches such as “every day is a gift”, but that is a way of expressing it because we’ve been through a time when we thought we only had a few more months together.
‘To have him back and fully well feels like a blessing.’
BEATING Bowel Cancer offers free support and advice to people with cancer and their loved ones. Confidential helpline: 020 8973 0011; beatingbowelcancer.org