I’ve tried to forgive my ex for the sake of my sons, but it’s killing me

Your letter is so impressive. Here is a lady who endured an abusive marriage and a painful, difficult separation, yet bent over backwards ‘to keep things amicable’, for the sake of her sons and the grandchildren.

She presents a calm face to the world, at home and in social situations. You are my absolute heroine, Sally.

I sincerely believe that this kind of determination and self- control would help so many others whose marriages (for whatever reasons) have broken up. You don’t specify what kind of abuse you suffered, which makes it a little hard to address the issues.

‘Abuse’ is a catch-all; if you look online you realise how much help there is (groups and forums) for the victims of sexual abuse and of domestic violence, but emotional abuse (a controlling partner, for example) is somewhat different. Without details it’s hard to know what help you could get.

on the other hand, you were greatly helped by counselling and some more might help you deal with the current problem — your sense of failure and persistent, low- level unhappiness. Think about going back for a few sessions with the person who was so useful to you before. The fact that you use the word ‘depression’ suggests it would do you good.

on the subject of happiness, I firmly believe a certain level of unhappiness and disappointment with life is normal.

The trouble with our world is that the ‘happiness’ propaganda machine (internet and journalistic quizzes, celebrity gossip, books, endless ‘wellbeing’ articles which often put ‘pampering’ and philosophy on the same level) deceives us into thinking that there’s something wrong with feeling sad. There is not.

You have only to reflect on how

short is the span between cradle and grave to feel melancholy about missed chances, and the fact that we will all die — possibly before we have reached our full potential.

I feel like that all the time. I look back at certain terrible mistakes (made by others as well as by me) and — lord, do I regret them! My ‘cure’ is to look out of the window at the trees, read a good book, watch my husband sawing wood, have a vodka and tonic, watch Vera on TV, cuddle my dog. But not all at the same time. It usually works — and then there’s nothing for it but to keep on carrying on with this oh-so-precious life.

You end with a very specific question about how you should behave towards your ex: maintain the status quo or let rip?

I really do think it would do you much good to write that letter, putting in all the details of what he did and your past and present feelings. But what would be gained by sending it? I know (because readers have told me) it can be very cathartic to write such a letter and then burn it or bury it in the garden.

Or, you could seal it in an envelope and leave it with your effects, to be found after your death — but you might ask yourself how that would affect your sons. I think the way of destruction is best. Why not try it?

You were unbelievably brave and wise and strong to create the situation you are in, where this man can stop by for a coffee and greet you at a family gathering without your sons feeling wary and strained. So why run the risk of destroying all that now?

You have proved yourself to be a much, much greater human being than your ex, so what does it matter if he thinks he is forgiven? You could tell him you are going back for some counselling and if he asks why, just look him directly in the eyes and say quietly and meaningfully: ‘The past doesn’t go away, you know. Some wounds never heal.’

In that moment you will put yourself in charge.