My son’s wife is keeping me from my grandsons
novelIst, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 60, answers your questions...
QMY SON and his wife have two young children, whom I love dearly, but I am never invited to see them — despite only living round the corner.
My grandchildren are aged one and three, and I would love to have more of a relationship with them — I’m worried they will grow up not really knowing who I am.
As a family, they never visit me and never invite me over. Instead, I arrange to see them at their home twice a month, staying for no more than an hour each time. And recently, my daughter-in-law has made a point of being out whenever I do go over — sometimes, she even takes the children with her!
Every offer I’ve made to babysit has been politely, but firmly, refused.
I love my son, and we have a good relationship, so I honestly can’t think of anything I may have done to create such a situation. I’m confused and upset, but not willing to force a confrontation.
I know her parents are close to the grandchildren, and I am so sad that I am being shut out. What can I do?
AThe uncomfortable truth is that as soon as your children marry — or are in long-term, live-in relationships — you go from being their boyfriend’s mum and probably something of a chum, to a (dreaded) mother-in-law.
Where once you might have called round cheerily without waiting for an invitation, now you are respecting your son and daughter-in-law’s relationship.
They’re being extra courteous to you, too. Some of that attitude is great — it’s always good to have warning of visits and the option to refuse — but somewhere along the line, things have become very formal. I doubt you’re being punished or shut out, however.
You’re clear about how much you love your grandchildren and that you’re close to your son, but you don’t say how you feel about your daughter-in-law.
She isn’t a barrier to you seeing the children, but a mum who could do with your support. She can probably justify her behaviour: if she leaves the house when you visit, she’ll tell herself it’s to allow you and your son to spend quality time together. Perhaps she thinks your visits are too short to see everyone properly and you’d prefer to focus on him? This needs a dual approach, combining a little flexibility with some fixed arrangements. Can you spend longer with your grandchildren? An hour isn’t really long enough for everyone to relax, nor is it enough time to observe the dynamics of the household. Might an extra pair of hands at bath-time or help with the cooking be useful? Resist the temptation to compare your relationship with the little ones to how they are with their other grandparents. Your grandchildren will enjoy different things about each of you without scoring points. And when you say your son’s family never visit you, do you issue a general: ‘Let me know when you want to come’, then wait to be taken up on it? every outing with children involves organising, meaning spontaneity takes a back seat. So why not ask them round at specific times? Likewise, the offer of a particular night’s babysitting might be taken up — while just saying you’re ‘ available’ is harder to respond to. There’s much to be gained by making a joke of your status, too. ‘ Watch out! here comes Mother- in- law!’ is bound to start your visits with laughter. Ultimately, remember that none of this jeopardises your relationship with your grandchildren. Twice a month is a lot more than some grandparents get, and your place in their hearts is guaranteed, however much you see them.