Can I stop my partner’s Alzheimer’s destroying our families?

This is an agonising situation for everybody — and let’s first pause and reflect how terrible it must be for your partner, still to be aware (in between ‘episodes’) of who he is and how much he is in the process of losing.

Your son is forced to witness his mother suffering, your partner’s children have to respond to a man who appears to be in acute distress, and you are caught in the middle — at a time when we all long for peace, stability and companionship.

Many families, trapped in the nightmare of dementia, will read your letter with understanding and compassion, while the rest realise that statistically we may ourselves be affected one day.

interpreting what you say about ‘ utterances’, i’m assuming that during one of his manic periods your partner said something angry to his family implying that you don’t take proper care of him — which they took at face value.

Carers are put under tremendous strain (as we should all remember) and so perhaps one day you snapped at him and this blew up in his disturbed mind, to be communicated out of all proportion to his children, who then

blamed you. These things happen — and people with Alzheimer’s can display distressing nastiness.

But I believe you were probably wrong, even though understandably ‘humiliated and upset’, to stay away from the discussions in the hospital, because that withdrawal was open to further misinterpretation. After 28 years, you have the right to be heard.

So here we are. They probably think you almost kidnapped him behind their backs and are not the right person to continue with his care.

Unfair and hurtful as that is, it would probably help to explain it to yourself in terms of their understandable distress at the deterioration of an intellectually able father. If you really want to continue being his partner and carer, then you need to correct their misconceptions — therefore I’m afraid it’s not useful to write ‘I really am not prepared to start apologising’.

Of course you need to explain your side of things, and if that involves saying you’re sorry to have caused worry, then so be it. Wounded pride has no place here.

You state, with great honesty, that without your partner to look after, you could have spared yourself much exhaustion and heartache. Many people in your situation might have chosen that course with relief. But you honourably felt he should be at home where he belongs, and acted accordingly — and I admire that. All this needs fully to be explained to his family — and with some urgency.

You should certainly call a family meeting, perhaps inviting his children to lunch (with your son present, too, of course) and making the event as pleasant and friendly as possible, to settle your partner’s mood and allow him to take part. I cannot see any other way forward.

The best outcome might be to decide it would be fair for you to have respite every two to three weeks, at which time he goes to stay with one of them.

I’m sure you have looked into support, but if not, do visit the Alzheimer’s Society website ( alzheimers.org.uk) and read the whole section about caring for somebody with dementia. It may help you feel less alone and you may find a support group, too.

But please mend the fences with your partner’s family. You all need to face the fact that in time you are likely to be forced into a decision about specialised care, and once again this burden needs to be shared.