The grandchildren have abandoned us
DEAR BEL WE ARE pensioners with one daughter, a granddaughter of 25 and a grandson of 17. We had a really good relationship with them all until a couple of years ago, but now hardly ever see or hear from them — even though they live about ten minutes’ walk away.
My daughter works four days a week and is very much into keeping fit. She runs every day and goes to the gym — fitness has become almost an obsession, so she doesn’t have any time to come and visit us.
When my husband and I pop in for a cup of tea, we feel unwelcome. If we do get invited (not very often), it’s usually for about an hour — then it’s hinted that our time is up.
We never hear from our grandson and I’ve mentioned to my granddaughter that I never hear from her — even just an occasional text would be nice.
She said, if you text me I will text you — but that misses the point. When we were working my husband and I contributed towards 12 years of private schooling for our granddaughter, whom we love dearly. When my daughter got divorced it was a dreadful time for us, since our son-in-law was like our son and our granddaughter was only four. We did everything we could to support and care for our family, but it appears it wasn’t enough.
I don’t know what we have done wrong as parents and we feel so hurt not to be part of their lives any more.
The only time we seem to get together is for birthdays. I don’t want to say anything because I want them to visit us out of love, not duty — but it’s not going to happen. They just seem to want to get on with their lives. I don’t know what we can do to get our family back. JEANNIE
AS Regular readers know, I often feature letters from grandparents on this page, and did so before I became a grandmother myself. The Mail has always been at the forefront of supporting the traditional family (while understanding shifts in the way people choose to live) and that involves intergenerational care, especially as people get older.
When I was a child, grandparents played a large part in our family life, and that’s continued, with my own parents now cherished great-grandparents.
Why does it matter? Because we have much to learn from the older generation, and even if grandpa’s stories might go on a bit and grandma’s views may sometimes be unwelcome, children are never too young to learn that respect is due.
That’s why I regret your daughter has not played her part in making (I choose that word carefully, since you usually have to coerce teens to think about others) her children be more attentive.
A habit of care must be developed over time, but it takes effort. I hope this lady who pays great attention to bodily fitness is also aware of other sorts of well-being — like exercising that vital spiritual muscle called empathy. Consideration, if you prefer. Without that, we might as well all give up, because life isn’t worth living. empathy gets the heart rate up and I wish somebody would tell her.
I feel immensely sorry that you feel so hurt, neglected and alone — but suggest you do text your granddaughter (at 25, she should be more thoughtful) every so often as she suggests, because it’s a way of communicating she understands.
‘Popping in’ is rarely a good idea because many people (and I’m one) hate unplanned visits.
You say you ‘don’t want to say anything’, but would it be so hard to suggest you and your daughter meet for a cup of tea and talk through your feelings?
She may be just so focused on work and her fitness regime that she hasn’t given the matter a thought — apart from to assume you are OK.
She might be having problems with her 17-year-old. Why not give her the benefit of the doubt and have a chat, saying it would make Dad really happy (yes, put it on to him) if you could have a family lunch once a month to catch up on everybody’s news.
When we are down, it’s important to find a course of action — so I think you should be brave and speak gently to your only child and tell her the truth.