The forgotten victims of late motherhood: women who never get to be doting grannies
THE day is still fresh in my mind; Granny clasping my little hand and taking me to visit her pet chickens, where I was allowed to ‘find’ the eggs for breakfast. Like so many of us, I cherish those precious times I spent with my grandparents, who were such a pivotal part of my childhood.
Whether it was learning to knit at my grandmother’s knee, playing ‘clock golf’ with my grandfather, or carefree summer holidays spent in their rambling old house, the memories are only ever positive.
It’s the same for my sons. My eldest fondly recalls the times he spent pottering in the garden shed with my father and the hours Dad spent patiently teaching him how to ride a bike. The special bond between the generations, grandparent to grandchild, is one we all benefit from.
Yet it’s a relationship increasingly under threat. As women delay starting families, the traditional active granny and grandpa could become an endangered species.
Twenty years ago the average age for a woman in Britain to have her first baby was 24. According to the latest research, it’s now 29 and rising. For educated, professional women the average age is even higher. As a gynaecologist who has spent the past 25 years specialising in fertility treatment — I’m the medical director of Midland Fertility in Tamworth, Staffs — the trend towards ever-later motherhood is something I’ve witnessed first-hand.
Many of the pitfalls of leaving it late are well documented — although, having witnessed the shocked faces of some my patients when I spell out the odds of a successful natural — or even IVF — pregnancy when you’re over 40, I sometimes wonder.
When you’re 25, the chance of achieving a birth through natural conception is about 25 per cent each month you try. By 35, it’s dropped to 15 per cent. By the time you hit your early 40s, it’s less than ten per cent — while the miscarriage rate is 40 per cent.
Although egg freezing can provide a ‘technological fix’ for late motherhood, it still requires the eggs to be frozen when you are in your early 30s, at the latest, for there to be a reasonable chance of a live birth. Few women want to take such a ‘controlling’ view of their future and many don’t realise they want to be a parent until
later. For older parents there are often worries about coping with sleepless nights and running around after toddlers in middle age, of being mistaken for granny at the school gates, as well as the fear of dying when your children are still relatively young.
Additionally, couples often underestimate how much starting a family late can dictate the number of children they will have. Secondary infertility among women who begin having babies as they approach their 40s is one of the most common reasons couples come to me for help.
Many couples are able to have a ‘first’ baby when the woman is in her late 30s, but when, two years later, they think it would be nice to have a playmate for their toddler, they find the biological odds are stacked against them (and the NHS can’t help them because they aren’t childless).
But the impact of late motherhood on grandparents is rarely considered. It should be; the importance of family relationships that span the generations shouldn’t be underestimated. One of the most poignant aspects of the spreading generations is that we might lose this wonderful relationship.
For a start, there’s the unconditional love so many grandparents bestow on their grandsons and granddaughters.
Children often enjoy a more carefree relationship with their grandparents than they do with their parents.
As a grandmother myself — I have a fouryear-old granddaughter and 18-month-old boy and girl twins — I know the joy of spending time with children without the unrelenting stress that comes with being their mum.
As a friend told me: ‘If I’d known what fun it was having grandchildren, I would have had them first.’
A grandparent has limitless reserves of patience. Who doesn’t recall ‘entertaining’ a grandparent with endless song-and-dance shows in the living room, and receiving nothing but enthusiastic applause?
Certainly, no matter how many scarves I knitted, riddled with holes from dropped stitches, my Granny reassured me that every one was a work of great craftsmanship.
to a teenager, there’s nothing more reassuring than knowing you can flunk any exam or fail your driving test, and granny and grandpa will still think you are wonderful.
For me, it was escaping from a pressurised school environment, where exams didn’t always go to plan, into a warm kitchen where Granny and I would make cakes and jam with fruit from her garden.
Grandparents may not understand social media or the latest technology, but they grew up in a time when the virtues of patience, compassion and mutual dependence were valued.
In an age when children are put under immense pressure to pass exams and often to fulfil their parents’ ambitions, not to mention the fall- out from divorce and separation that many experience, the existence of an uncomplicated familial relationship has never been more important.
No wonder an Oxford university study of more than 1,500 children concluded that those who had a high level of grandparental involvement went on to suffer fewer emotional and behavioural issues. When women commonly had children at 25 (around the age my mother and I did) a close bond with your grandmother was possible. After all, granny was only in her early 60s when her grandchildren reached their teens.
Yet if there is a 35-year gap between the generations, all of a sudden grandma is 80 and her grandchildren are still only ten. And when women have children at 40, granny has to live into her 90s if she wants to see the little ones go to secondary school.
While better nutrition and medicine mean people are living longer, healthier lives, inevitably someone in their ninth or tenth decade is going to be more physically and mentally frail than a person in their 60s. Realistically, the capacity for a meaningful relationship is more limited.
there are hard-headed practical implications for parents, too, as the generations spread. Because of the financial necessity for many families to bring in two incomes – and the prohibitive cost of childcare — there’s an increasingly large army of granny nannies. It’s estimated that around seven million grandparents provide regular childcare for their grandchildren, while two million have given up work, or cut back their own hours, to help. My own mother was a vital part of the support network that enabled me to develop my career as a doctor. Not just the obvious stuff like providing ‘ holiday cover’, but all the extras, such as noticing when new shoes were needed, and taking the boys to the shop to get them. She would turn trips to the shoe shop into adventures that might include a visit to see the dinosaurs in the museum.
While my son and his family live too far away for me to help on a regular basis, when his children are older I fully intend to have them for extended periods over the summer, replicating, I hope, the idyllic holidays I spent with my own grandparents.
the cost to the economy if grannynannies didn’t exist would be immense. Yet who would want to take on the care of a lively two-yearold in her late 70s or 80s? And no parent would want their child looked after by someone who’s starting to lose her memory or is unstable on her feet.
At the other end of the spectrum are the implications for the care of the elderly.
If your mother had you before she was 30 — and you, too, didn’t leave it too long — chances are, by the time she needs a bit of support, your own children will be off your hands, leaving you free to help. Having someone to assist with shopping or to pop round with meals, prolongs independence.
If you think about what the council pays to keep people in care homes, this represents a huge chunk of money that middle-aged carers are saving the tax payer, not to mention families who have to fund care homes themselves.
However, women who delay motherhood are likely to find themselves under pressure as the classic ‘sandwich generation, running themselves ragged trying to care for young children and elderly parents while often still working full-time.
Loneliness among older people is serious issue. According to Age uK, more than two million people in England aged over 75 live on their own, and more than a million older people say they can go for a month or more without speaking to a friend or family member.
For a grandparent, having a grandchild helps to keep you feeling young and connected.
A friend discovered, by chance, that the old lady who lived next door to her never seemed to have any visitors.
She befriended her and discovered she had been a piano teacher. the result was that my friend’s daughter receives ‘free’ piano lessons, and in exchange the old lady gets help with her garden and invitations to family meals. It’s a ‘win-win’ situation for everyone concerned.
While I may have started my family relatively young compared with women today, the impact of a spreading generation is something I am aware of. While my oldest was born when I was 26, I was 38 when I had our second, and 40 when our third son arrived.
MY FATHER, who had been so hands- on with the eldest, died when my youngest was just two and was too frail to really know the little boys at all.
I was very aware that there was no one to fill that grandfather role as the two younger boys grew up, something that saddens me still.
Of course, there are no easy answers. While 25 might biologically be the best time to try for a baby, with student debts to pay off, careers to pursue, homes to establish and secure relationships to find, few women feel financially or personally settled enough to start a family then.
But there are also those who go through their 20s and 30s mistakenly assuming that their fertility will remain as youthful as their looks, and that IVF will deal with any problems.
Sadly, as I always say, you can’t Botox your ovaries. Fertility levels are much the same as they were 4,000 years ago. thanks to improved nutrition girls enter puberty earlier than they used to, but the age of menopause, at 51, is the same as it ever was.
Women’s lives today may be richer for the many career, education, social and travel opportunities we are now afforded, but our children’s lives will be much less rich if grandparents become a thing of the past.
midlandfertility.com
Who in their 80s would want to care for a lively toddler — and what parent would want their child looked after by someone so elderly?