Could having sex once a week put the spark back in YOUR marriage?
Experts say that’s the perfect amount — no more, no less. So how did three couples cope when we made them try it?
THE secret to keeping romance and sexual attraction alive in a marriage is to make love as often as possible. Isn’t it? Not so, say scientists. New research has found that making love just once a week is the secret. More frequent intimacy doesn’t necessarily lead to greater happiness, although less can make you more miserable. HELEN CARROLL asked three couples to have sex once a week for six weeks and keep a diary of the impact it had on their marriage. Their confessions may surprise you…
OUR LACKLUSTRE SEX LIFE WAS TRANSFORMED
COLLETTE MORIARTY, 35, a full-time mum, lives in North london with husband michael, 37, who works in construction. Together for 12 years and married for five, they have three children: brice, ten, louis, eight, and Victoria, four.
COLLETTE SAYS:
EXHAUSTED by raising three children, we found that sex slipped down our list of priorities. For the past decade we’ve been lucky if we managed to make love twice a month — a far cry from the early days of our relationship, when it would be several times a week.
At first, I was the one saying no. When the children were little, fatigue put paid to my libido. Then, after our youngest was born, Michael had a vasectomy. Since the operation, it has tended to be him rejecting my advances. I’d get upset, worrying that he no longer found me attractive, but when we rowed about it he’d insist he still fancied me but had just lost his sex drive.
Imagine, then, how thrilled I am when he instigates sex on the Tuesday of the first week.
It’s not exactly relaxing, though, as we are interrupted twice by the children, who we thought were fast asleep.
Three days later, and Michael’s in the mood. But when I tell him we can’t do it again that week it’s stimulating, rather than a passion-killer. We kiss and cuddle instead, the first time we’ve done so in years. It feels naughty.
With a new frisson between us, we agree to wait until the following weekend for our designated lovemaking. The anticipation means we’re both really excited by Saturday.
The experience is thrilling. Can years of sexual drought have been overturned so quickly?
It seems so. When we lie in each other’s arms afterwards, we agree we’re feeling closer already.
The following week, I find myself wishing I could make love before our allotted time to maintain our new closeness. Having to wait makes me snappy with Michael.
But the stormclouds lift the moment we have sex and any bickering is forgotten.
Week Four is our fifth wedding anniversary. Michael surprises me by organising a babysitter — something he has never done before — and takes me out for a romantic dinner.
I can only put this down to the fact that we’re making time for sex every week.
At dinner, I nearly cry with happiness when Michael orders a bottle of champagne — I’ve never properly forgiven him for buying cava to mark our engagement because it was ‘cheaper’.
We don’t linger in the restaurant. An early night is on the cards, and sex is wonderful.
By Week Five, we are so affectionate the kids are making retching noises and telling us to stop kissing.
There are smaller changes, too. We rearrange the furniture in our living room so that, instead of sitting at opposite ends as we normally do, we sit side by side, holding hands.
Our once-a-week experiment has made me realise how vital making time for sex is to our relationship — because it doesn’t just affect those weekly moments of intimacy but the time in between, too.
We’ve never been happier.
MICHAEL SAYS:
DESPITE the interruptions from the children, I really enjoy making love to Collette at the start of the first week.
We even find ourselves kissing passionately, which is a huge turn- on, as it’s something we haven’t done for a long time.
We both count down the minutes to our designated lovemaking day in the second week. It’s strange, really. No one has been stopping us having weekly sex before, so why does it suddenly seem so thrilling?
I’m determined to make our wedding anniversary special and show Collette how much I love her. I can see how much she appreciates the effort and, as the kids are staying overnight with family, we don’t have to worry about them disturbing us. Because we can take our time, our lovemaking feels so sensual.
Our once-a-week routine has a profound effect on me.
By Week Five, I realise I’m viewing Collette differently — not just as my wife and the mother of my children, but a truly sexy woman. I really look forward to seeing her when I get home. And once the kids are in bed, I can’t wait to get my hands on her.
Having sex every week has made me feel young again.
JUST ONCE A WEEK IS TORTURE
Kimberley Thomas, 35, a full-time mum, lives in bridlington, east yorkshire, with husband martin, 41, who runs a decorating firm, and their four children from previous marriages: eleanor, 16, holly and ewan, both 12, and Corey, ten.
KIMBERLEY SAYS:
MARTIN is my second husband and since he and I got together three years ago, we have made love at least four times a week.
There is a constant frisson between us, so limiting our lovemaking will be a struggle — and in the first week we can’t help but have sex twice.
A cuddle while we are watching TV leads to spontaneous sex. We are so panicked at the prospect of going without it for a whole week after that, we end up making love again in the morning.
As fantastic as both experiences are, I’m really disappointed at our lack of willpower, so I warn Martin that we’re going to stick to one weekly session for the next five weeks, even if it kills us.
Whenever he tries cuddling up to me before sleep, I tell him it’s banned unless it’s a designated ‘sex night’. I even wear pyjamas rather than sleeping naked, to remove temptation.
Week Two begins with the first May Bank Holiday. The children are away and we really make the most of it, with a long soak in the bath together, a bottle of bubbly and some very good sex.
In week three, I tell Martin we’re going to save ourselves for the weekend.weekend In the early hours of Thursday morning he makes a move but somehow I find the willpower to say no.
When Friday night comes around, the sex is fantastic.
But the self-imposed regular droughts soon take their toll. By week four Martin seems cold, which makes me miserable. Giving each other genteel kisses instead of our usual passionate ones, to avoid things getting heated, places a real distance between us.
Lovemaking is saved for the weekend, when we have more energy to really enjoy it. But it seems intense because we know we have to make the most of it.
The Monday of Week Five is our first wedding anniversary. We’d had sex on Sunday morning, however — the first day of our new week — so we’re not allowed to do it again. We are both disappointed. Helpfully, the dog climbing into our bed helps to dampen our ardour.
Other changes are notable, too — and not for the better. Martin’s little quirks, such as the way he constantly checks his phone, annoy me. And we’re bickering, a previously rare occurrence.
At the end of Week Six we have a night together in a hotel. But although we’ve been looking forward to it, neither of us rushes to tear the other’s clothes off.
Why? Well, planned lovemaking isn’t for us. We need spontaneity to make things sizzle. And I can’t help but feel that we’re more irritable with each other because we don’t have enough opportunities to make up.
Once a week just isn’t enough to keep the bond between us alive and healthy.
MARTIN SAYS:
AT FIRST, I convince myself Kim won’t make us go through with restricting sex to once a week, so I snuggle up to her in the hope she’ll find me irresistible.
But I soon get the message that cuddling is banned. And when she has told me for the umpteenth time to keep my hands to myself, I start to feel miserable.
When we are allowed to have sex, it’s wonderful. We put in a lot of effort, which is why I can imagine that making love once a week makes some couples happy — if you’re having sex so infrequently, you really do take every moment of pleasure from it.
regardless, I feel irritable on
the fallow days. It’s a horrible insight into how easily different sex drives can sour relationships.
I’M FRISKY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS
Donna Styring, 39, a part-time waitress, lives in Hampshire, with husband ian, 43, a civil engineer, and their children Korben, five, and Kaleb, two. together for 12 years, they have been married for two.
DONNA SAYS:
Normally, Ian tries to initiate sex a couple of times a week. I think he’d love it every day but I only respond about twice a month — and that’s usually because I can sense he’s getting frustrated.
While I love Ian and still find him attractive, I’m usually so tired, all I want to do in bed is sleep.
at the start of the first week, my parents are staying with us so it’s the weekend before we get round to it. I’m shattered and, if we hadn’t committed to it, I would probably have refused Ian’s advances. In the end, I’m glad we do it because we feel closer afterwards.
In Week Two I actually instigate sex, which is almost unheard of. although I know I can usually rely on Ian to make the first move, keeping the diary meant our sex life was much more at the forefront of my mind — and I was actually in the mood. Ian seems pleasantly surprised. once- aweek sex may be having an impact in other areas, too. When the kids are in bed we’re spending longer chatting, which means niggles get ironed out before they cause arguments.
By Week Three, our lovemaking has gone up a level. We feel so passionate — perhaps because little irritations are being smoothed out before we get to the bedroom. Instead of going through the motions, I find that I actually want to make love to Ian.
By Week Four, I genuinely feel turned on a few times when we’re in bed. Sticking to just once a week becomes a bit of a challenge. I can’t believe the change in myself.
But by Week Five, tired and pre- menstrual again, I’m not in the mood. at the end of the week, however, I decide to go along with Ian’s advances.
my libido increases again during the final week of the experiment — so much so that instead of turning over after we’ve finished, I snuggle up to him. He tells me he’d started to worry I no longer fancied him.
This couldn’t be farther from the truth and I try to explain how stress and exhaustion kills off my desire. It’s a moment of honesty between us.
But while it’s true that our marriage is happier, I’m not convinced weekly sex is essential. Sometimes it’s just not practical.
IAN SAYS:
KNOWING we have guests makes sex seem even more enticing, but I know it’s off the cards until Donna’s parents have gone.
But it’s worth the wait. and knowing we would definitely make love before the end of the week raised my anticipation. I certainly wasn’t disappointed. In fact, I never am — Donna is incredibly attractive. So imagine my ecstasy when she reaches over to me in bed in the second week. There’s nothing like the feel of my wife’s naked flesh against mine.
While I want her to lie in my arms afterwards, Donna always rolls over and falls asleep immediately.
regardless, I find myself thinking about making love a lot over the following week. When D-Day comes in Week Three, we’re both really fired up.
While I’ve always been one for regular lovemaking, I’m starting to see the benefits of just once a week. It heightens the passion.
Then, as we’re drifting off to sleep on the Wednesday of Week Four, Donna snuggles up to me, making it very clear that she’s in the mood. What a treat.
Seven days later, Donna makes her move again. I’m thrilled. While I’ve always been tactile, I can see Donna is definitely showing me more affection.
In an ideal world I’d love to have sex more than once a week. But I’ve been through worse. When the boys were younger, we’ve gone two months without it.
Compared with those barren times, once a week will certainly keep a smile on my face.