My sister won’t help me with our sick father

novelIst, grandmother-of-four and ex-Blue Peter presenter Janet ellis, 60, answers your questions . . .

QMY 83-YEAR-OLD mother is a remarkable woman and has been my father’s carer since he was diagnosed with dementia two years ago. But the strain is impacting on her health and she is recovering in hospital after a stroke.

We are a very close family — I am one of three siblings, all in our 50s. But whenever something painful happens, my youngest sister goes to ground, and fails to help, or even answer her phone.

I find myself enraged by her behaviour. She knows how stressful it is for me — I have a teenage son to look after, too — but she runs away from any responsibility, even though she lives very close to our parents and me. I think it’s fear rather than selfishness, but how can I persuade her to become more involved?

ATHE patterns of family behaviour are established very early on. Even if we don’t stick labels on each other, we know what to expect from the funny one, the creative one or the one who’s always super-organised.

You may not be the oldest — you don’t say in your letter — but you definitely regard your youngest sister as the baby and the one who ought to do as she’s told.

I suspect it doesn’t take much for her to wind you up either — whether it’s about something trivial or about the major events happening now.

You probably even take some comfort from her reliable lack of reliability, when so much is unpredictable with your parents’ health and prospects. Luckily you’re close, so you obviously get over these episodes and keep in touch.

Does she demonstrate this lack of responsibility all the time? You say she disappears when the going gets tough, but that implies she’s around when it comes to dealing with day-to-day things. It might be that she feels a spare part at times of crisis. You may switch into capable mode with such speed that it leaves her with no role. What do you want from her? You deal admirably well with the stress of having elderly parents and a demanding son, but it sounds as if what you’d like is the loving support only a sister can give. That’s not something you can force, but you can encourage it. And you have to admit you need her, too, and you aren’t just irritated by what you see as her failings. Nothing will halt your father’s decline or radically improve your mother’s prognosis. But what can happen next is that their children face those facts together and begin to make plans. Instead of telling your sister she’s unhelpful, why not ask her what she’s feeling? Rather than fuming about the situation, confess your own fears. It must be frightening to think your wonderful, strong mother now needs a great deal of help. You’ll all have to face some difficult decisions on her behalf and she may not give up easily. Getting her to accept she can no longer look after your father as she did, perhaps having to find residential care for him, will be tough. I think both you and your sister are falling back on familiar attitudes and actions rather than facing the unnerving future. Why not ask your sister what she might be able to do next time there’s a problem. She may have ideas and it’ll put her on a more equal footing if she can make suggestions, rather than waiting for — or hiding from — orders. She probably envies your ability to cope, but it leaves her feeling lost and useless. You can’t boss your sister into doing anything, much as you’d like to (I understand, I’m an older sister), but while she’ll always be your sister, she can be a good friend, too.

Janet Ellis