I adore him, so why has he left me?

DEAR BEL MINE is a problem as old as time itself — a happy relationship suddenly gone cold.

For more than seven years my partner and I enjoyed each other’s companionship. We are both previously divorced (our respective partners left us) and we both have children — his grown up and left home, one of mine (20) is still at home, the other gone.

We were both afraid of another marriage/divorce, the emotional/ financial upheaval, yet created a loving relationship.

He’s 67, I’m 54. He worried about the age gap, I never did. We’ve had wonderful holidays, and supported each other through family bereavements.

Although very different, we made each other laugh, always talked and felt relaxed. I was contented and he told me he felt the same.

But after our recent lovely holiday he decided to end it. I’m at a loss. He’s a wonderful man, kind, considerate, caring, well-mannered, loving. Although we didn’t spend 24/7 together, we saw the best of each other.

We’ve had differences and endured one or two setbacks, but I always supported him as he tried to overcome the past — the loss of his father at 18, the loss of his mother a few years ago; his son moving to live and work abroad; and more importantly the loss of his marriage.

All of these scarred him. A sensitive soul, he goes down quite quickly. Normally these ‘downs’ are shortlived, but occasionally they prompt him to break off our relationship.

He says he needs to be on his own, he can’t move on from the past, it isn’t me, it’s him, and he would rather be on his own than continue.

I’ve never asked him to change or for us to live together; all I want is his companionship and love.

Why, when he has a woman who loves him and has never asked more than he felt able to give and has never let him down, would he end a beautiful relationship? SERENA

How I wish I had the answer to this problem — and indeed to all the problems of the world. But there isn’t an advice columnist, priest, therapist — nor angel, for that matter — who could possibly give you a definitive reply to your final question.

we could all hazard guesses, especially as you explain some of the hurts your partner has endured in the past.

Yet many people endure those same setbacks and griefs, many even worse ones, yet do not succumb to this despair that is so ready to inflict hurt on other people.

Some people are so much more resilient, striding forward through their lives, shaking off their tears with their misfortunes, as a dog shakes off water.

what makes us so different? why do some people succumb to ‘self-medication’ (see ‘will’ above) while others grit teeth and vow to be brave, facing down their ghosts? That question is far too deep to be tackled here, since I have spent years reading about these issues and forming no conclusions.

As I write this, I realise I am hoping against hope your man will change his mind, as he has done in the past. Yet at the same time I must be honest and ask whether the to-ing and fro-ing is actually good for your soul. You love this man, trying hard to understand his past woes and supporting him through bad times and good, but in return, after the last holiday, you were knocked sideways by his decision to ditch you — again.

My question is this: even if he changes his mind once more, are you prepared to face a future in which this happens from time to time, and in which he does not seem able to give you the support that you need?

That is a big assumption I’m making, I know. Yet reading between the lines of your email, it does worry me that the sustenance might have been one way.

At 54, you have many years in which to meet new people and form new relationships. There may be more much companionship and happiness ahead in a changed life. who knows, but you might want to live with someone again? None of us knows what will happen, which is why hope clings to the branch in the storm.

I have nothing but compassion for you as you face the realisation that the relationship might be over.

You sound a much stronger person than the man you love, and I can only hope that your common sense, self-knowledge and strength will help you through.