I’m lonely now my granddaughter has left home

NOVELIST, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 60, answers your questions ...

QI KNOW this may sound silly, but I’m a grandmother with a severe case of empty nest syndrome. My granddaughter, who came to our house almost every day after school (her mother has a demanding job with long hours), has gone away to university. I’m feeling bereft. I’ve lost my little friend and confidante. We watched films together, cooked, chatted about her day; I was even the one supervising homework. Life seems very empty now. Ironically, her mother seems to be relishing her new freedom, while my husband thinks I should snap out of it. But I’m so lonely. What can I do?

AI THINK empty nest syndrome is painful and often underplayed. the idea that it’s easy for everyone to switch from being responsible for their children and enjoying having them around, to not knowing what they’re doing (and who with) is ludicrous.

Of course, some people adjust very quickly and spread their wings. Others go through a period of something like grief, mourning the end of a satisfying way of life. Both reactions are two sides of the same coin and each represents a huge transition.

You don’t mention whether you suffered in the same way when your daughter left home. Perhaps you, too, had a demanding job when your own child was small and loved the fact that you could help out so much this time round. Or it could be that you’re a natural homemaker and it was obvious you’d be the one to care for your granddaughter.

Either way, your bond with your granddaughter seems to have obscured your other relationships and you need to look closely at them now. no one seems to have considered this might be difficult for you. In fact, they seem dismissive of your feelings. Are you sure you’re the only one minding about your granddaughter leaving?

have you considered the fact that your daughter might be putting on a brave face? Just because she handed over a great deal of her daughter’s care to you doesn’t mean she doesn’t miss her now. It’s lovely she’s out and about, but there’s no reason why she couldn’t invite you on her jaunts and it would be a good idea for you to spend time together again. She must think you’re a pretty good mum (and a rather special person) to have entrusted you so completely with her child. She has plenty of reasons to show her gratitude and plenty of time in which to do it. Your husband’s attitude is puzzling, too. Did he feel excluded from the relationship you had with your granddaughter? Or, as is possible, is he also feeling bereft? She’s his granddaughter, too, and he’s probably missing her a great deal. You have a terrific opportunity to reinvigorate your marriage with datenights and weekends away now you only have each other to consider. Plenty of families don’t communicate their feelings easily and I’m not suggesting you try to open up now if it doesn’t feel comfortable. But you do need to feel you matter to people and you also need to continue with the activities you so enjoyed with your granddaughter. Would you consider volunteering? to have looked after someone as thoroughly and lovingly as you’ve been doing means you have a remarkable set of what they like to call ‘transferable skills’. You’d be an asset in any number of roles and you may find volunteering fills a huge gap. Meanwhile, remember you’ve done a great job of raising children and you’re feeling a sense of loss, but make sure you don’t lose yourself, too.

If you have a question for Janet, email it to janetellis@dailymail.co.uk.

Janet Ellis