New 50 Shades? Even the actors look embarrassed

FOr a mind-boggling moment last week, I found myself on the red carpet at the london premiere of Fifty Shades darker. What? I know!

In the sleety rain of leicester Square, fans began screaming when an unprepossessing chap in a beard appeared. It was Jamie dornan, two steps away from me.

In real life, Jamie looks less of an international sex symbol and more like that bloke who works in the tyre-fitting centre next to Tesco.

His co- star dakota Johnson came next, with pouchy lines under her dead eyes, doing little to hide the fact that she was tired and cold.

Fifty Shades author e. l. James just seemed bad-tempered, as her ruby earrings jangled against her honeyed skin with ill-concealed irritation — as she might have written herself.

One thing these principals had in common? They all looked utterly miserable. Perhaps that is because while the Fifty Shades franchise is a commercial success, it has not enjoyed a positive critical reception. And, after watching it, I can see why. Fifty Shades darker is incoherent and mad, with drinks thrown in faces, masked balls, tiny knickers, awkward sex scenes and a helicopter crash — where control freak Christian Grey loses control of his chopper at last.

Yet no matter what everyone says, or how awful they proclaim it to be, the Fifty Shades stars must carry on, manacled to this cash- spinning monster, attending premieres around the globe, while trying to mask their own embarrassment.

What must that feel like — to be lashed to a giant flop, then flogged with the harsh words of the world’s film critics? Not fun, I imagine.

But that’s real masochism for you, film fans.