IT TAKES 4 YEARS TO MEND A BROKEN HEART

Romantic love can cause absolute havoc in our lives — particularly when we are dumped. Friends may be sympathetic, but few will understand just how incredibly long-lasting the pain can be. one man who does is the sociologist Robert Weiss, who has conducted a long-term study of 150 men and women who have been rejected by much-loved partners. immediately after the dumping, he notes, people are in shock. For as long as two weeks, they’re also in denial. and then reality sets in. at this point, they find that time hangs heavy: many of life’s daily rituals have evaporated; they hardly know what to do with themselves. moods swing relentlessly, encompassing protest, anger, panic, regret, self-doubt and consuming sadness. Some turn to alcohol or drugs; others rely on friends, therapists or self-help books. then they start to review the relationship obsessively. Hour upon hour, the rejected lover rewinds old memories — of cosy evenings and touching moments, of arguments and silences, of jokes and snide remarks. they’re endlessly trawling for clues about why he or she has left them. With time, this torment crystalises into an account of who did what to whom. this becomes a story with a beginning, middle and end — a bit like a description of a car accident. it’s an important process. once in place, the story can be addressed, worked on and ultimately discarded. Sometimes, this transitional phase lasts a year. But any setback, such as an unsuccessful reconciliation, or rejection by a new lover, can hurl the sufferer back into total anguish. Gradually, however, the abandoned individual acquires a new identity, some self-esteem, fresh interests and some resilience. the past begins to loosen its stranglehold. But there’s one particularly shocking finding in Weiss’s study. the entire process from rejection to recovery usually takes two to four years, he discovered — ‘with the average being closer to four than to two’.