How Nelson and I nailed it at Trafalgar
THE Ukip leader solves all your household problems. SALLY FROM WORKSOP: My kitchen tap is dripping and it’s driving me hopping mad. How should I go about mending it, please? PAUL NUTTALL: I’m the man to ask, Sally, as I am a past vice-president of the Liverpool Plumbers’ Association, with several tapfixing diplomas to my name!
In my view, the best way to fix a dripping tap is to hold the tap in your right hand and then turn around really hard until the dripping stops. Happy to help, Sally! SALLY FROM WORKSOP: But I’ve tried that, Paul, and the tap’s still dripping! Were you really vice-president of the Liverpool Plumbers’ Association? PAUL NUTTALL: I never said I was and, frankly, I’m very upset — very upset indeed — that false information has been spread around. It must be one of my team who’s to blame.
What I actually said is that I greatly admire all Liverpool plumbers and that I have had occasion to employ one of them to fix my tap.
Believe me, as an Olympic gold medal swimmer, I know how important water is in the home.
And let me add this, Sally. I consider it a national disgrace there are so many taps dripping in homes the length and breadth of this great country of ours. It’s high time this Government did something about it. JEFF FROM KING’S LYNN: How do I mend a creaking floorboard, Paul? Every time I step on it, it makes a dreadful noise and it’s getting on my nerves. PAUL NUTTALL: I know what you mean, Jeff. I recall how much the floorboards creaked when I sailed with Admiral Nelson on HMS Victory for the Battle of Trafalgar.
And the last time I went to tea with President Trump and his lovely wife Melania, I noticed a number of floorboards in the White House that could do with a bit of work.
So here’s what you do. Grab yourself a screwdriver, a hammer, a drill, a wrench and a few nails and screws, and Bob’s your uncle.
Incidentally, Jeff, it strikes me as a crying shame that UK taxpayers are being asked to stump up literally millions to fix creaky floorboards in China, Asia and Africa. Why can’t they fix their own floorboards? Whatever happened to charity begins at home, that’s what I want to know! JEFF FROM KING’S LYNN: But my mate Steve says that Admiral Nelson sailed with HMS Victory for the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805. Surely you’re not old enough to remember it, Paul? PAUL NUTTALL: I never, ever said I was with Admiral Nelson at Trafalgar, Jeff, though I do know a lot of people who were.
Your mate Steve has upset me greatly with his wicked, politically motivated insinuations, Jeff. But I’m strong enough to get through this, not just for me, but for the party as a whole.
I can put up with a tremendous amount of unfair name- calling, Jeff, but those who know me know I would never tell a fib. Let’s face it, Jeff, I proved that at Dunkirk. MARY FROM TAUNTON: A zip on a favourite dress has just broken, Paul. I was wondering if you could give me a few tips on how to repair it.
PAUL NUTTALL: Yes, Mary, as a former senior lecturer in Advanced Zip Studies at the University of Oxbridge, I feel particularly strongly about mending zips.
That’s why I’m thrilled to be elected president of the International Zip Federation and I’m determined to do a first-class job.
The best way to mend your zip is to buy yourself a sewing machine, thread, an ironing board, a needle, a marking pen and a new zip.
Or — even quicker — buy yourself a new dress.
This all takes me back to the days when I was personal assistant to the late, great Florence Nightingale at the Battle of Balaclava. She was brilliant with zips, was Flo! Happy days! MARY FROM TAUNTON: Are you absolutely sure you were with Florence Nightingale at Balaclava, Paul? My friend says that would make you about 200 years old! PAUL NUTTALL: I’ll sack that researcher, Mary. But fact: I sometimes wear a balaclava, particularly in cold weather, and I can produce many witnesses on doorsteps who’ll back me 150 per cent.
So, let’s have no more of these politically motivated smear campaigns. Britain will 112 per cent not be bullied!