After years in a cruel marriage, can I mend my shattered heart?

DEAR BEL, I AM reeling from a difficult separation. After years of verbal abuse, it took eight months to get my soon-to-be ex husband to leave the house.

I feel that I have seen enough in the past eight years to fill a lifetime — I have been threatened with a gun, humiliated in every way possible and lived in fear of him and what he would say or do next.

Despite the fact that it is difficult financially, I feel a great sense of relief to be able to imagine a future.

I have three amazing children, a job I love with co-workers who have been supportive, caring friends, a loving family and I don’t feel solitude, despite living abroad.

I know I am loved and appreciated, and feel proud of the way that I have been able to deal with this hellish experience.

I have realised my own worth and have enough courage to climb mountains.

However, as far as romantic relationships go, my heart has been broken into tiny pieces.

I have constant flashbacks during the daytime of situations where he has hurt me.

I see his hard face and relive the terror I felt, the sight of him putting his fingers in his ears and singing loudly to block out the sound of my voice.

I hear his voice making the same threats over and over again and see myself curled up in a ball next to him in bed, crying silently.

I am in such a different place now — I don’t want to waste one minute of my life looking back on the past.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to have a romantic relationship again, but that is really not the be all and end all for me.

A friend suggested I could be suffering from post-traumatic stress and that I should seek the help of a psychologist.

Part of me would like to understand why this has happened and face the trauma head on, while the other part wants to get on with this wonderful gift that is my life and let time be the healer.

I don’t want to talk or think about this man any more. The prospect of co-parenting with him is difficult enough in itself.

The truth is that I will never be the same person I was before, but I have decided to be a better one.

I wish to build a happy future for myself and my children — but I just wonder if you think I will always carry a shattered heart? VIVIEN

THIS will sound strange, but I find your letter moving and beautiful. You have endured terrible mistreatment at the hands of a man you once loved and trusted — surely one of the worst of life’s betrayals.

Yet you do not write in bitterness; there is no rancour or desire for revenge. I congratulate you on your resilience, courage and wisdom.

We all go on learning and I have just read about a concept that will interest you. It’s called posttraumatic growth — an academic theory that puts into professional terms something I have been saying for years: that life- changing events can actually have longterm beneficial effects.

No matter how annoying and complacent it can sound, the truth is that mental and spiritual growth can be the good that comes out of suffering.

Take a look at the website of the research group ( ptgi.uncc.edu) to find out more.

I mention this because I share your doubts about diagnosing yourself with post- traumatic stress and seeking help for this.

While I believe that talking to a therapist can be useful to most of us at different times, it seems to me that you have already moved on to post-traumatic growth.

It’s important to realise that this is not a denial of the misery you have endured or that you won’t continue to experience unhappiness and bewilderment at the loss of your dream of married life. But it does mean that you have the ability to harness that pain and move through it, step by determined step, in order to make sense of what has happened and create a new life for yourself and your children.

Will your heart always be shattered? My answer is yes and no. None of us can unlive what has happened, unlearn lessons in disappointment, unhappiness, shame and loss.

Do you know that famous quatrain from the Rubaiyat Of Omar khayyam, about the finger of fate writing, then moving inexorably on? It’s at the top of today’s column.

The idea may seem harsh — nevertheless, it’s true. We cannot change the past, but we can be strong and take control of the future.

and this is exactly what you are doing. Your words, ‘I have enough courage to climb mountains’, are a magnificent statement of selfhood and survival — a transformation I would wish for every person who writes to this column.

Your brave spirit is the golden glue that’s even now assembling the shattered pieces (just look up kintsugi — a Japanese art form with broken pottery) of your heart.

Join me in marvelling at the miracles that can be achieved when imperfection is accepted and the broken put together so it’s not only stronger, but more beautiful. Battered, but magnificent.