I love caring for my grandson... but I’m being taken for granted
NOVELIST, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 61, answers your questions . . .
QI LOOK after my three-yearold grandson for one day a week, while he is not at nursery. Ordinarily, it’s a joy to spend quality time with him. However, recently, I fell ill with a terrible cold and my daughter just ignored the fact I was sick, dropping him off anyway, leaving me with no choice but to take him.
This thoughtlessness really frustrated me. I’m in my 60s and still work, but was too ill to go in that day. It meant I was run off my feet on the one occasion when I desperately needed rest.
I can’t help but resent being taken for granted. I have a life, too, and need to put my health first. How can I stop this happening again?
AHaving a bad cold is a very quick route to feeling sorry for yourself. Threeyear-olds have no capacity for adjusting their moods or actions to suit others. That’s a difficult mix.
instead of putting a challenging time down to experience, you’re seeing it as an example of a bigger problem. There’s obviously been no discussion since this arrangement began about any possible future difficulties for either of you.
From your question, i gather that you either take your grandson to alleviate the financial burden of nursery care, or just to give his mum a break. it’s a great offer, and i don’t blame your daughter for leaping at it.
if you’d refused to have him that day, what would have been the implications for his mother? Were they social or financial?
if you’re simply doing her a favour, you may feel a slight resentment — not at you having to look after him while you were feeling below par, but at his mother swanning off without a care. if she relies on you so that she can go out to work, you need contingency for times when it’s not possible for you to look after him. You shouldn’t feel guilty when you can’t have him, and you should feel appreciated when you do. Unless you want your daughter to ring you every single time to check all is still OK, i suggest, in future, you instigate that call. But only to tell her if you’re not well, or have other plans that week. Or even if you just don’t feel like it. i think your reaction to what happened is less about feeling put-upon and more about your relationship with your daughter. Does she have a habit of taking you for granted? Do you ever get thanked for what is a very selfless thing to do? if she saw you struggling and left him anyway, it’s either because you put a brave face on it, or because she simply didn’t see you properly. neither reason is helpful for the future of this arrangement. See your daughter on her own and explain that you love helping out informally, but the joy will go out of it if you feel it’s simply expected of you. Use your time together as an opportunity to chat about other things. it’s almost impossible to have a proper conversation when dropping off or collecting a three-year-old, and you both need reminding that you and his mother are people, too.