End the tyranny of trying to be perfect
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ANXIETY is a modern epidemic — which ruins so many women’s lives. But now there’s a cure with the Anxiety Solution, serialised exclusively here and concluding in today’s Mail. Written by an expert who suffered herself and came up with a pioneering treatment, it can restore your serenity and heal the deepest worries . . .
LeT’S be honest: to some extent, we all aspire to be like Mary Poppins — practically perfect in every way. This drive to be flawless can sometimes be positive, driving us to achieve more, work harder and be meticulous.
But, all too often, our tendency to strive for nothing less than perfection can be incredibly debilitating.
It can fuel deep insecurity, damaging what is often already low self-esteem.
And, when we’re feeling low or selfcritical, profound worries and anxious feelings come soon after.
Indeed, I truly believe that one of the biggest causes of our current anxiety explosion is that we often feel as if we’re not doing enough, or that somehow not enough. Today, it’s as if anything less than perfect is rubbish.
But there is a way to beat the anxiety that struggling for unattainable perfection can bring.
And that’s through rebuilding your self-esteem — and realising you don’t have to be perfect to be happy. Today, I’m going to show you how to conquer the cult of perfectionism from which so many of us, particularly women, suffer.
I’m also going to help you see that being constantly ‘ busy’ — another modern curse strongly linked to perfectionism — is no badge of honour, and could well be making you worry more.
There’s also a prescription for those who find it difficult to make decisions, and advice for those who struggle to let go.
With my help, I’ll show you the art of ‘surrender’ — how to be a bit more ‘zen’ about life.
With all this wisdom, you should be able to tap into that precious sense of calm, which can so often be jeopardised by our frenetic pace of life.
PUT A STOP TO PERFECTIONISM
unTIl recently, it didn’t matter to me what I’d achieved in any one day — it never felt like enough. There was always more to do, more to achieve and more pressing items on my to-do list.
I simply didn’t think I deserved relaxation time.
I would even feel guilty if I took the evening off to watch a film, telling myself I should be doing something more productive.
I put so much pressure on myself that I would either overwork until my head and muscles ached with tension, or spiral the other way, procrastinating and unable to tackle any of the tasks on my long list because the pressure I was putting myself under made me too anxious.
Many of my female clients experience the same feelings. Perfectionism can have truly pernicious effects — either making us work until we drop, or paralysing us with fear.
The idea that we have to be perfect is so often at the root of why we push ourselves so hard and give ourselves such a mental beating. But if you allow yourself to feel you’re already good enough, you can just do your best, knowing it’s always enough. of course, there may be very real pressures on you, be they from your employer, your partner or your parents. But if you are honest, much of the time the pressure you experience is put upon you by one person alone: yourself. Whether it’s to be successful, look a certain way, be a certain weight or please other people, there’s a belief that, once you achieve whatever target you’ve alighted on, only then will you be
In the UK, one in six adults experiences some form of anxiety weekly
happy. Yet this means peo people often sacrifice happiness t they could be experiencing in the present and instead choose to create a well of pressure and anxiety, in the misguided belief that this will lead to happiness at some point in the future.
When we put our happiness first, though, it actually enables us to be more successful. When we’re happy, we’re more engaged, creative and productive.
In the battle against perfectionism, it’s also crucial to live according to your own values and not let anyone else’s definition of success rule your life. Ask yourself: ‘Is what I’m striving for what I want?’
Instead of measuring success in money, inches lost round your bottom, or how many social engagements you have, why not
measure your achievements in happiness, peace of mind and fun?
Putting our happiness first can be scary, though. Perhaps you feel you’re not ‘worth’ it — that you somehow deserve a life of turmoil and struggle.
It’s a common feeling — and it’s often down to the fact that so many of us have low self-esteem.
Let me be precise about what I mean by self-esteem. It’s not about being confident — that’s just your belief in your ability to do something. Your self- esteem is how you value yourself.
Having a healthy self- esteem doesn’t mean you think you’re perfect. Quite the opposite. It means loving yourself, faults and all. A healthy self-esteem is a vital ally in conquering perfectionism.
After all, if your self- esteem is fragile, you’re less likely to be able to handle criticism and bounce back after disappointments. It can also stop you from taking care of yourself and hold you back from trying new things.
So, why do so many of us have low self-esteem?
I see two main causes. First, the ‘selfesteem movement’ that took off in the Seventies. Experts told parents that the key to raising happy children was to boost their self-esteem, no matter what.
And so, in an attempt to ensure that children felt great about themselves, many parents and teachers told them how smart, brilliant and perfect they were. But this approach — however wellintentioned — can backfire.
Take one of my clients, Anna, who told me she was brought up to believe she was ‘like a princess’. She was told she was special — more intelligent and beautiful than other children.
HErfamily wanted her to feel good about herself, but the perfection they preached simply doesn’t exist. When she went to university, Anna discovered that she wasn’t the smartest person there, nor the prettiest. Her artificially inflated self-esteem was crushed.
Our low-self esteem is also caused by something I call ‘comparisonitis’.
Yes, it’s only natural for us to compare ourselves with other people, but, fuelled by the internet, TV and glossy magazines, it’s got way out of hand.
Proof of the link is in the story of television coming to the island of Fiji in 1995. Suddenly, young girls were exposed to ads showing skinny models, and programmes lauding a wealthy, glamorous lifestyle.
Traditional Fijian culture had always appreciated women with larger bodies, but, following the introduction of TV, girls on the island quickly became unhappy with their bodies.
One study revealed that 45 per cent of these girls showed signs of eating disorders and body anxiety, using purging methods such as laxatives and vomiting in order to lose weight.
There’s only one cure for ‘comparisonitis’. Try to view the media you consume as you do the food you eat.
If you consume rubbish, you’re going to feel that way. If a programme, magazine or website triggers self- doubt and worthlessness, ask yourself: ‘Is it worth reading or watching this?’
THE PERILS OF TOO MUCH CHOICE
DOES making decisions leave you anxious and overwhelmed? You’re not alone. We’ve never had so many decisions to make.
One of the advantages of the modern world is that it’s made so many possibilities available to us.
But the downside is that it can all feel overwhelming. So much so that we end up shying away from choosing for fear of making the ‘wrong’ choice.
Everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes, but if you suffer from anxiety, you are more prone to beating yourself up about your past decisions, convinced you made bad ones. When we are anxious, even stuff that’s pretty unimportant in the grand scheme of things — such as which brand of butter or dog food to buy in the supermarket — can seem impossible to resolve.
Sometimes, we end up in analysis paralysis, taking no action at all because it’s all too scary.
Of course, having too much choice seems like a First World problem — but it’s no less real for that. One of my clients, Katherine, 42, finds supermarket shopping, with all its many products to choose between, makes her anxiety rocket — and so she’s only able to shop online, with the aid of a spreadsheet.
Too many choices can also lead to you thinking that the elusive ‘perfect’ option must exist, if you could just figure it out.
Whether it’s finding your perfect pair of jeans or choosing Mr right, having infinite choices and endless information at your fingertips means you can set your standards incredibly high and put pressure on yourself not to make a ‘bad’ decision.
But what if we settled for ‘good enough’ instead?
researchers have found those who do are far more likely to find contentment. And remember, there is no such thing as the perfect decision.
Settling for ‘good enough’ means we’re less likely to get worn out by decision-making. Indeed, there’s a good reason why making decisions is exhausting — it literally uses up mental energy.
The process of choosing drains our willpower, which is a finite resource, and uses up glucose, because your brain runs on sugar.
So, don’t be surprised if you’re constantly reaching for chocolate or sweets when you’re trying to choose, decide or make plans.
That’s why, if your anxious mind is making you analyse every single tiny choice, you end up exhausted
pretty quickly. So, what can you do to deal with all these decisions? Having a solid routine can help you create structure, which removes the need for decisionmaking and feels comforting.
For example, I like having the same morning routine each day. I also like exercising at the same time, having fewer options in my wardrobe and sticking to a shopping list when I buy food.
You should also remember that no decision is more important than how you deal with whatever arises from it. You can make your decisions good.
You can adapt to whatever results from that choice.
I used to get caught up in little decisions, such as which restaurant to suggest for a night out with a friend.
I would spend the whole time worrying about whether they liked it and whether I’d made the ‘right’ choice, so much so that it was hard for me to just relax and enjoy the evening. Now, I tell myself that it’s up to me to make the decision good by accepting it. You can make almost any decision the ‘ right’ one by adjusting the attitude you bring to it.
Be kind to yourself about the decisions you make. And notice the way you speak to yourself about your choices and apply the friend filter: would you speak to your best friend like that if she were worrying about a decision?
Remember, very few decisions are final. There is almost always a way to reverse decisions if they really don’t work out.
Evidence suggests that the beginning of the day is the best time for making big or important decisions. This is when most people’s mental energy resources are at their highest.
Don’t make decisions when you’re tired or extremely anxious because your brain won’t be at its best and you’re more likely to be irrational.