Even after her affairs, I can’t bear to lose my glum wife

couple, until death parts them. You wanted me to tell you ‘sex is not everything’ — so I just did.

But there is much more within your letter. You moved house and your wife couldn’t find work, which brought her down.

You felt helpless (why?) then suspected an affair — and then later confirmed another infidelity. You tried counselling but stopped because of the cost, which some of us might count a false economy.

Or maybe the truth was that neither of you really wanted solutions enough to put in real work — since the loneliness of the separate rooms had settled on your souls?

Your wife must have been hideously hurt by the lover’s cruel rejection and I wonder if you showed just a bit of triumph?

Do you really think she stopped loving you because of your looks? Have you talked through all these issues properly? Have you tried to help each other?

Now you say that if you ‘ try to make something happen’ (presumably you mean sex) she will up and leave. You still don’t trust her (which many people will understand) yet claim you are ‘good friends.’

This is no way to continue. Your wife must be as miserable as you are — and surely the atmosphere must affect your children (whatever age they are now)?

It doesn’t sound as if you really want your marriage to be over, therefore surely you need to talk to your wife and work out a way forward?

I state the obvious, I know, but what else is there to say? This stagnation has to be stopped — and I’m afraid you have to think of ‘action’ which doesn’t begin and end with sex.

Many women long for attention and affection and respond to cuddles when they are absolutely confident the man isn’t simply trying to lead on to something else.

It’s a long time since you went to Relate, so surely it would be a good idea to try again, given all that’s happened since?

You two are the only ones who can know if you want to grow old together, but truly this is a waste of both your lives if you don’t.