The lure of lavish weddings and women who marry men they don’t really love
WALKING down the aisle towards the man she was about to marry, Gemma Andrews could see her mother up ahead wearing her best hat and, beside her, her grandmother tearfully clutching a handkerchief.
All eyes were on her. A sea of faces smiling, dabbing their eyes and wishing her luck. This was meant to be the happiest moment of Gemma’s life. Why, then, was her stomach in a knot and a sense of panic rising? Why did she feel like turning around and running and running until all of this was far away?
The dreadful truth is that even though Gemma was about to make her vows, she knew she didn’t love the man standing at the altar.
She knew, just moments from now, she was about to make the biggest mistake of her life.
‘This will sound like the most awful and shallow admission,’ says Gemma, who married aged 27 five years ago.
‘But I walked down that aisle, with the people who love me most in the pews either side of me, knowing that I didn’t want to marry the man waiting for me. I just felt too embarrassed to admit that I had cold feet.
‘Planning the wedding had taken over our lives to such an extent, I had lost sight of what really mattered. But to call the whole thing off would have meant losing face.’
With a depressing inevitability, the marriage ended three years later, in 2015, with Gemma — who lives in Chesterfield with her new partner, Michael Andrews, a 30-year-old security guard — starting divorce proceedings on the grounds of irreconcilable differences.
She’s now joined the ranks of almost half of divorcees who knew on their wedding days that their relationship was doomed, according to a poll by a law firm.
With weddings becoming grander and more expensive each year — in the Seventies, a couple typically spent £1,850 on their big day; today, it’s more like £27,000 — it seems that a growing number feel compelled to go ahead with their big day, through guilt or financial obligation, even when they know for certain the union is going to end in divorce.
Tellingly, as wedding costs escalate, so do divorce statistics — research in 2014 found that the more people spend on their wedding and engagement, the more likely they are to end the marriage.
Meanwhile, half of couples accept considerable financial help from their parents to cover the cost. Little wonder a doubting bride might feel she has no choice but to suppress her worries and just say: ‘I do.’
CERTAINLY for Gemma, calling off the wedding would have meant throwing away the £10,000 her and her fiance had saved for two years and letting down her family. Her grandmother had also made a contribution.
‘I simply couldn’t have lived with the guilt of her losing her money. In the end, it seemed easier to swallow all my doubts and go ahead with it anyway,’ she says.
‘In the weeks running up to my wedding, I had endless worries about whether I should be going through with it, yet I didn’t confide in anyone. It was embarrassing to admit I was getting cold feet for no other reason than, during the two years of planning and arranging this wedding, I had lost sight of why I was doing it, and had fallen out of love with my fiance.
‘Now, of course, I realise the wedding wasn’t about making a lifelong commitment to someone I wanted to grow old with — it was about making real the pictureperfect day I had imagined for myself since childhood, while keeping up with my friends who’d all got married before me.
‘My ex-husband was my first serious boyfriend. We had been together since I was 18. By the time our wedding day came, I just didn’t feel able to voice my reservations, as so much time, effort and money had been invested in the day.’
Wedding planner Jenny Marks, of Surrey-based firm Complete Bliss, says she can sometimes spot a marriage that is unlikely to last as early as the initial phone call.
‘It can be as simple as the tone of her voice — launching straight into: “I want this, I want that”, as though she’s determinedly pulling off a huge social event, rather than arranging a really special day.
‘ Weddings have become synonymous with a huge show, with the ceremony itself only a small part of an enormous event.
‘I routinely plan weddings where the costs run to £50,000 or more. Often, the parents are paying a huge chunk, if not all of it. Imagine being a bride and starting to wobble as the big day approaches.
‘All this money and effort that’s being spent on her, all those people who are emotionally and financially invested in that perfect day. The pressure to go ahead, however uneasy she might be starting to feel, is enormous. ‘The guilt she might feel at the idea of saying: “Actually, folks, stop everything, I’ve changed my mind” would be horrendous.’ Competitive parents can get as carried away as the bride. ‘ The bride will want everything Instagramperfect, while her parents will be making their own statement to the friends they have invited. The pressure to match what their peers have laid on can be huge.’ Jenny has seen brides go into meltdown on their wedding morning, turning seemingly small details into huge issues. ‘One girl broke down in hysterics when she realised the napkins no longer appeared an exact match to the blue flowers on the tables under the marquee lights. ‘She was distraught. But, actually, I think the real issue was that she’d spent so long planning the perfect day, and now it had arrived she was worrying about whether she wanted the life coming after it.
‘The wedding she’d dreamed of since she was a little girl had turned into a runaway train, and it hit her that it was too late to jump off.’
Meanwhile, for every couple whose parents can stump up enormous amounts towards the costs of a modern wedding, there is another who must find every penny themselves. Very often, the debt puts the marriage under pressure as they struggle to pay it off.
Family lawyer Amanda McAlister says she has helped divorcing clients who are still saddled with that debt. She is also not surprised to receive calls from women who are weeks away from their weddings, asking her to draw up prenuptial agreements.
And she hears from parents, too, who may suspect the impending marriage is unlikely to last, yet, like the bride, prefer to forge ahead anyway. ‘They’re typically wealthy parents who want to protect their legacy,’ says Amanda.
And, of course, it’s not only young women who are falling into this trap. Second-time weddings can be just as lavish, with brides so happy to have found another ‘life’ partner, they turn a deaf ear to any warning bells.
Vivienne Lambert, who’d already been married previously, signed the divorce papers to end her second marriage in 2014. But she admits she’d had doubts from the moment her ex-husband proposed 12 years earlier.
A naval officer, he told her at the start of their relationship he was being posted to Australia for three years, and Vivienne didn’t baulk when he suggested she join him.
‘I was happy because I’d always wanted to go to Australia. It seemed like an adventure.’
But things began to move along at an alarming speed and Vivienne, 65 and a retired business owner, started to worry. Just nine weeks after their first date, he proposed.
‘We were in South Africa and, at the top of Table Mountain, he pulled out a ring,’ she says.
‘As I stared at the solitaire diamond, it didn’t feel right, but he looked so happy and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I asked if I could have six months just to see if I liked living in Australia. He asked if I’d wear the ring anyway.
‘I agreed: we were “provisionally”
engaged. A year later, we purchased a home together in Canberra. It was gorgeous, and when that little nagging voice of doubt spoke up again, I dismissed it, telling myself we got on well — what more did I want? But then he began pushing for the wedding.’ D ESPITE feeling uneasy, Vivienne then started planning her big day, set for just 18 months since her first date.
‘the night before the wedding, a friend took me to one side and told me she was worried about me. she thought I’d changed and seemed subdued around my partner.
‘she gently told me it wasn’t too late to call it off. I cried. I knew she was right, but I just couldn’t.
‘ We’d spent thousands upon thousands of pounds. Guests had flown in and more than a dozen of them were already staying with us. I was firmly committed. My motto has always been: “You’ve made your bed, now lie in it.” And despite everything, I couldn’t help but enjoy moments of this aesthetically perfect day.
‘the venue, a hotel in Canberra, with its stunning sunsets and incredible food, was straight out of a glossy bridal magazine.
‘I felt fantastic in my dress — it was long, gold satin with a halterneck. Who wouldn’t enjoy audible gasps when they walk in?’
Vivienne knew, however, these things were just sticking plasters.
‘ there were moments that reminded me I shouldn’t be marrying this man. In our first dance, I almost fell over. I laughed, but appearances were everything to him — he looked embarrassed.
‘For our photos, each pose was carefully thought through, but even as he grinned into the camera, I felt that there was no connection between us.’
Married life was comfortable, but without any sense of emotional closeness. It abruptly ended eight years later in 2012.
Vivienne says it took her two years to get over the fact she had made such a huge mistake, adding: ‘today, I’m once more cautiously dating. But I will never ignore that inner voice again. It warned me for a reason.’
However, relationship psychologist Jo Hemmings says it is human nature to ignore that nagging voice of doubt, because to listen to it in the situation both Gemma and Vivienne faced is so emotionally challenging.
‘ the pressure, the expense, knowing that people who care about them have emotionally invested in their happiness and want to share a day of joy with them can make pulling out impossible to imagine,’ she says.
‘It can also seem easier and even cheaper to ignore the doubts, get married anyway and then quietly get divorced afterwards.
‘then you have some brides who have niggling doubts, where they don’t feel they’re marrying the wrong guy, they’re just not 100 per cent sure he’s the right guy.
‘If they call off the statement wedding, then the relationship will almost certainly end — and that’s not necessarily what they want.
‘Meanwhile, when the wedding itself becomes a huge event, consuming ridiculous amounts of their time, energy and focus, the bride doesn’t know whether she’s having doubts through sheer stress and anxiety or if she really is making a mistake in going ahead.’ J o runs pre- wedding counselling sessions, where she encourages couples to talk about their hopes and expectations for married life long before they meet at the altar or stand before the registrar.
‘You need to talk about how you plan to raise your children, whether you even want children, what you expect from each other as far as the sharing of chores and supporting each other’s careers,’ she says.
‘these aren’t romantic subjects, but they’re conversations couples need to have. too much effort goes into wedding planning and not enough into marriage planning.’
reverend tim Hanson agrees that engaged couples ought to seriously consider what being married means to each of them.
soon after a couple approaches him for permission to marry at his Anglican church in Cheshire, reverend Hanson spends a couple of evenings with them having that very conversation.
‘I ask two questions — first, why they are marrying, to which the reply is always: “Because we love each other.” then: “How long do you intend to stay married for?”
‘the shocked response is always “forever”, and that’s when I talk about how everyone feels the same at the start of the journey to their wedding day, yet afterwards, huge numbers end up divorcing.
‘the problem is that weddings have become such commercialised events that the true meaning of committing yourself to another person for the rest of your life has become lost in translation.
‘What couples need to grasp, long before they book the wedding planner or meet the photographer, is that their wedding makes up just a few hours of their life.
‘It’s a great day — of course it is. But you need to be clear about the kind of life and values you want to share together afterwards.
‘Because, 30 years down the line, when you’ve had children, endured various quarrels and house moves and suffered bereavements, you release that the day itself wasn’t actually all that important at all.’