He’s left me at 70 — how can I survive on my own?
DEAR BEL, MY 70th birthday was a memorable one — because my dutiful, loving, officer-andgentleman husband told me, with no forewarning at all, that he was divorcing me.
Since his retirement from the military in 2005, I have apparently made him so unhappy with my unreasonable behaviour that he had no choice but to divorce me, with no discussion and no remedy.
He wants his next 20 years ‘to do what he wants, when he wants’ without responsibility. I foolishly thought our 47-year (far from perfect) marriage was still working.
But he hates ill health and I’ve had a cancer scare and have an ENT operation due — so perhaps he wanted to avoid looking after me.
I am 18 months older than he is. He has had the ‘better’, now he doesn’t want the ‘worse’.
He said he wanted an amicable divorce (a contradiction in terms?) and thought I would be relieved, too. If I am guilty of lack of awareness and poor communication, then he is, too.
I loved him until he told me he wanted rid of me. How could I not be aware of his unhappiness?
He says it’s all my fault that I made him so unhappy since his retirement 12 years ago. Once he has made up his mind, there’s no changing it. That’s the story of our marriage.
In retirement, I thought he was living his dream — sailing every day (weather permitting), even when I was left on my own. I thought we were contented. Why didn’t I ever realise? He says it’s my fault for making him so unhappy. I still love him — although I hate him, too.
We have two lovely adult children and their families and this has been a shock for them, too. I mustn’t split their loyalty, as they love him dearly.
Seventy is a hard age to start going it alone, but I really have no choice.
Having looked forward to old age with a loving husband, I am now on an emotional rollercoaster, totally demoralised and lacking in confidence.
I know I need to rediscover my network of friends, find new hobbies, volunteer.
Perhaps I should re-invent myself: I need a makeover and a new hairstyle but haven’t the faintest idea where to start.
Divorce is not death, but I am desolate and need advice. SARA
For many people, a divorce is indeed like a bereavement, the sense of loss weighing for months, even years.
Something has ended and the future that you imagined is snatched away. The more unexpectedly this happens, the harder it is (believe me, I know) to cope with the bewilderment.
Most people will feel great sympathy for you starting again, alone, at the age of 70. That’s what people must do when they lose a beloved spouse to death: endure a long process of grieving, then gradually work out how to get on with the new life.
Yes, the experiences are different. But I make this point in order to help you see that you are allowed to feel as you do.
You have already begun to make sense of what happened — admitting you were totally blind to your husband’s feelings.
You accepted your marriage was ‘ imperfect’, that he liked to be decisive and in control, that you didn’t communicate. Such is the story of many marriages, seen from the viewpoint of this column. In the
meantime, your husband wanted so much more.
Chafing at his bonds, railing (in his head) against getting older, he couldn’t waste any more time being unhappy. Many men and women find themselves thinking that way when they reach their 50s, but being busy with a career can keep negativity at bay. Then comes retirement . . .
It was cruel of your husband to spring this on you with no chance to work out any way forward — but it’s what can happen when a couple have lost the habit of real conversation.
Your marriage is over; what matters now is how you gather strength to go forward.
No further analysis of what went wrong is going to help you grow your confidence once more. But I admire your vow to keep your family neutral. I also assure you that an ‘ amicable divorce’ is not a contradiction in terms, as long as you abandon the useless ‘hate’.
Bravely, you rattle off things you need to do — and I agree with all of them.
a ‘ new hairstyle’ is far from trivial; it can make you look at the lady in the mirror in a new way. I wish you energy to put your thoughts into practice and suggest you give yourself a goal to achieve every day and make lists of what you have achieved.
But you also have to learn to be alone, and to value the peace of a home free from someone who doesn’t wasn’t to be there any more.
He wants his own time; now you must see this phase as your very own. a rebirth, if you like.