New driving test – the road to hell

Police in Peterborough pulled over a motorist who was driving erratically, only to discover she had her head stuck between the legs of a baby’s high chair.

As you might imagine, both her movement and vision were somewhat restricted. The inside of the car looked like an overflowing skip. The high chair was propped horizontally across the front seats and the woman was having to contort herself to grasp the wheel and look out of the windscreen.

This is just one of the bizarre incidents traffic cops have to deal with every day. How can you legislate for someone who thinks driving with their head jammed in a baby’s high chair is a proper way to behave? it’s the kind of dilemma which confronted road safety experts as they attempted to redraw the driving test to take account of modern road conditions and new technology.

Should the Highway code include a specific provision prohibiting driving while wedged between the legs of a high chair, or can it be left to the discretion of the individual motorist?

Would the woman still have been committing a moving traffic offence had she been able to convince the officers that said object was not impeding her ability to drive safely? in this case, she was reported for carrying a dangerous load and, after the high chair was removed, allowed to go on her way.

But how, for instance, does this peculiar behaviour differ from texting behind the wheel or speaking into a mobile phone, both of which have been compared to drink driving? More to the point, why is driving while staring at a satellite navigation screen considered safe, while gawping at an iPhone is a criminal offence?

Yet the transport department has given its blessing to satnavs, as part of new driving test regulations to be introduced later this year.

in the past, learners have had to demonstrate they could read traditional road signs. in future, they will have to show they can follow GPS directions on their dashboards — presumably, without ending up the wrong way down a one-way street, or in the nearest river. They will also be tested on other modern skills, such as switching on the heated rear window while driving. out goes the threepoint turn and reversing round a corner. in comes backing into a parking bay at a DiY warehouse.

That last provision may be a cunning ploy to cut the number of licences issued. Anyone who drives anything bigger than a Fiat 500 will know that trying to fit a normal vehicle into a designated parking bay at B&Q — or practically any other public car park — is an impossible task.

councils and private companies across Britain have been cynically narrowing parking spaces for years, to increase revenue from fines and keep scum-of-the-earth ‘ enforcement agents’ in the manner to which they have become accustomed.

This is the type of real world challenge which will confront the newly qualified motorist. We’ve come a long way since i failed my first test because i ran over the bloke with the red flag walking in front of the car. Today’s drivers must be prepared for dopey birds in headphones wandering into the middle of the road while updating their status on social media. (‘Just been run over by an Uber. lol’)

Where’s the advice on how to deal with demented, self-righteous, lycra- clad cyclists with cameras on their helmets, banging on your roof and screaming about the polar bears, before mounting the pavement and knocking down a few pedestrians?

Drivers should be tested on the correct speed at which to negotiate moonscape- sized potholes and Alpine-scale traffic humps, without ripping off their exhaust pipes.

Marks could be deducted for failing to give a wide berth to school-run mothers in 4x4s trying to talk into a phone while simultaneously applying their make-up and screaming at the kids in the back seat to shut up and eat their bacon-flavoured breakfast crisps.

in the big cities, there should be special counselling sessions telling young motorists how to control their blood pressure as they sit stationary alongside deserted bike lanes or behind a procession of a dozen buses with precisely nobody on board.

The same training could be extended to those who will inevitably find themselves stuck in 30-mile tailbacks for several hours — because the police have closed the road in both directions and declared a ‘crime scene’, after someone spilled a can of Diet coke in the nearside lane.

The test could also include trying to stick 49mph on a deserted motorway at midnight because the ‘temporary’ 50mph limit has been left on deliberately to nick anyone going faster. And who has priority at service areas — eddie Stobart or Norbert Dentressangle? How should you react if a lorry pulls in front of you on the M2 in Kent and decants a load of illegal immigrants on the hard shoulder? call the police, call Nick Ferrari on lBc or point them in the direction of the DSS at croydon?

on country A-roads, when is it permissable to overtake Howard and Hilda pottering along at 34mph in their lovingly preserved, metallic tobacco 1974 Morris Marina estate, without risking a head- on collision with a tractor? Questions could also include the correct way of flicking either a middle finger or a V- sign in the direction of a travelling salesman in a cheap suit who has just cut you up at a roundabout in his BMW 3 Series.

And, while they’re at it, examiners could streamline the test by scrapping the emergency stop, since these days nothing’s moving on the roads anyway and no one’s going anywhere in a hurry.

Just to be on the safe side, though — in addition to being able to use a satnav — drivers should learn to programme their hand-held Bluetooth music streaming device without swerving all over the shop and ploughing into a woman coming in the other direction with her head stuck up a baby’s high chair.

Happy motoring!