Je t’aime, brigitte!

Can a man who ran away with his teacher be the President of France? JAN MOIR plays agony aunt to give Emmanuel Macron just the advice he needs

Dear Jan

BONJOUr. i have a big problem — un gros problème! — which is getting worse every day. Let me start at the beginning. When i was a schoolboy, i had two wishes. One, i wanted to marry my drama teacher. two, i wanted to become the President of France. People said: ‘Emmanuel, you are mad! Everyone knows that in France we wait till university before sleeping with les professeurs!’

Yet i did marry Brigitte trogneux, the beautiful teacher i met when i was but 15 years of age, with nothing in my head but thoughts of love and nothing on my chin but fluff and spots.

Now Brigitte will be at my side next month as i hope and prepare to become the next leader of France. she will be my First Lady, which is funny, because she really was my first lady, as you might imagine.

Yet here is my dilemma. How can i get the world to take me seriously if they think i am a mummy’s boy with a wife who is 25 years older than him?

On the world stage, will i look like a swot who married Madam De La Drama because maybe he wanted forever the classroom chastisement of the spanky- spanky? But no. that is the fantasy of the English schoolboy, not for moi.

‘Bibi’, as i call her, was 40 and married with three children when we met. it was complicated, but i knew i had to be with her. Mama and Papa sent me away to Paris to stop the romance, but i wooed her from afar.

‘i am totally overcome by the intelligence of this boy,’ she said at the time. ‘Little by little, he overcame all my resistances.’

in the end, she ran away with me. (she must have really loved the bead bracelet i made and the dream catcher i sent.)

We officially became a couple when i was 18 and we married in 2007, and have been happy ever since. Our wedding, all beautiful, everything arranged smooth and nice — but now, more problems.

Ma cherie Jan, the bonds of high office also bring the shackles of great gossip.

Now, as your own BBC reported, a website has suggested i am secretly gay and live a double life. What? i got so upset, Brigitte had to calm me down with a Babybel and a carton of juice. this wild allegation is impossible! My wife shares my life from morning to night and, like Popeye, i am what i am. As i said at the time, if you hear these rumours about me, it’s my hologram that has escaped, it can’t be me.

But never mind that. if i become President of France next month, how can i make sure everyone takes me seriously?

Dear Emmanuel

First of all, congratulations. Even by the standards of French politicians, yours is the love story of the century.

it is a triumph over adversity and the many obstacles you have endured (such as getting all your homework done). You and Brigitte look happy together.

As Oedipus knew, a great number of men secretly want to marry their own mothers — but this is not possible, not even in France.

However, getting hitched to your favourite teacher is a pretty close second.

to be frank, the beginning of your relationship sounds a little pervacious. How does a 15-yearold schoolboy woo a 40-year- old teacher? Yet today, Brigitte is not like any other 64-year-old grandmother. she is a vivacious cross between La Bardot and Jane Fonda, but with better legs.

France has not had an official First Lady since that awkward business with Valérie trierweiler (who got so very Gallically enraged when Francois Hollande cheated on her) and your wife will make a great consort.

My advice is to forget about the gay accusations. in European politics, any man who is handsome, smells nice and wears good suits — i notice some of yours are bespoke because the buttons on the sleeves actually work! — gets this treatment.

However, with regards to looking like a mummy’s boy, we are in much more difficult territory.

Everyone knows that when you were economics minister, you took Brigitte along to important meetings as if she were a fluffy lapdog.

Apparently her presence cheers you up, and helps you to make better decisions because you value her opinion and trust her.

she has also played an active role throughout your campaign, where advisers have noted ‘her presence is essential’ for her little ‘Mani’, as she calls you. Uh oh. Listen. Colleagues don’t like spouses who invade the working environment assuming the same status as their husbands or wives, and the electorate like it even less.

Brigitte may be an amazing woman, but don’t drag her every- where with you. it looks as if she is waiting for an opportunity to wipe your mouth clean after lunch, or give you a smack for not standing up when Mrs Merkel walks into the room.

Yet your unusual marriage is an asset. it makes you more interesting. Politically, you are defined by what you are not, rather than what you are.

You are neither social democrat nor social liberal, you are neither right nor Left, and you want a collective solidarity in France.

Yet in your private life you have proved that you can fight for what you believe in, and have overcome personal difficulty to do so.

France could do worse. A lot worse. But over here in London, does theresa May drag her husband to Cabinet meetings? Does Mrs Merkel insist on Mr Merk nodding in the corner to cheer her up? No. so leave your Bibi at home when you go to work.

And one final thing. i know that France is the land of the lover, and the nation is about to wave goodbye to M. Hollande, that skirtchaser in the Elysee Palace.

But when you are Mr Powerful and all the ladies want to get close to you and your close- fitting trousers, don’t you dare run off with a younger woman.

Or you’ll have me to answer to. Bon chance!

From Jan