Battle of the broads (and their bitchy one-liners)

Madame Rubinstein (Park Theatre, London) Verdict: Paste and pearls

As A collection of one liners, John Misto’s play about the Fifties New York cosmetics giant Helena Rubinstein is a string of pearls. As an account of Rubinstein’s life, it’s a cutand-paste job that never gets inside Madame’s head.

Even so, Misto has landed Miriam Margolyes in the title role — and Frances Barber as Rubinstein’s professional arch rival Elizabeth Arden. He must be in seventh heaven.

For Margolyes, it’s as though Oscar Wilde’s Lady Bracknell has been reincarnated as a Jewish New Yorker who can swear like a navvy.

A tight-fisted little Toby jug of a woman, Rubinstein’s comfort food of choice is chicken wings stored in her safe (‘it’s airtight, and cheaper than a fridge’).

And then there are the zingers: ‘Rouge is like sex — too little and not much happens; too much and everyone thinks you’re a whore.’

Many of her barbs are aimed at Arden, and Barber matches Margolyes, dagger for dagger (‘the only help I’d ever give you is to board the Titanic’).

Barber makes Arden a purring glamour-puss right out of the pages of a Raymond Chandler novel.

The battle of the one-liners is superb, but scene to scene, the plot struggles. Misto attempts to give Rubinstein an emotional back story by invoking ghosts of sexual abuse, endured as a child in Australia, and guilt over a neglected son.

Margolyes can only mope and emote over characters who never appear.

If only Misto would cut the maudlin stuff, leave the witticisms ringing in our ears and have us out within 90 minutes, we could all have a really Wilde time.