Egad! This queen can do a hard stare better than Paddington
Victoria Wood would have loved this. if the angels have telly in heaven — and surely they must, or it wouldn’t be much of a paradise — she’ll have watched Elizabeth I: Battle For The Throne ( c5) in helpless fits of giggles.
the great comedienne, who died last year from cancer aged 62, was a connoisseur of onscreen calamities. Her best- loved series of sketches, acorn antiques, was a send-up of the catastrophe-ridden soap crossroads, with its wobbly sets and fumbled cues.
there were no accident-prone cameramen in Elizabeth i, and all the actors remembered their lines, but this drama-documentary came close to parody in places. Lectures by historians Suzannah Lipscomb and Dan Jones were interspersed with re-enactments from the Virgin Queen’s life, beginning with her birth — as a chubby baby who looked at least ten days old.
Moments later, her mother anne Boleyn was being executed by a swordsman who stood behind her and waggled his blade like a golfer lining up a shot. But it was another execution that set up the weirdest moment, as lecherous thomas Seymour, the original Dirty old Lord, met his end.
Seymour had been drooling over the 14-year-old Princess Elizabeth, played by Sheya Mcallister, until he was sentenced to death for treason. ‘Seymour’s bloody execution,’ we were told, ‘marked the dramatic end of Elizabeth’s childhood!’
Hearing the news, Sheya looked aghast. She stared at her maid — who suddenly turned into supermodel Lily cole. and Lily was wearing the princess’s clothes. they gaped at each other, before Sheya vanished. Words can scarcely explain how strange it all looked.
in the blink of an eye, Elizabeth had aged 15 years and acquired a new face. childhoods don’t end any more dramatically than that. Lily scowled out of the window. that girl could give Paddington Bear lessons in how to do a hard stare.
Mad moments aside, this was a watchable trot through 16thcentury royal politics. Lipscomb and Jones are engaging presenters, sure of their insights and not prone to showing off.
the production budget seemed generous, mostly spent on acres of gauze for the soft-focus shots, and thousands of candles. Quite a fire hazard. the money did not appear to run to central heating in the tower of London, because whenever Bishop Stephen Gardiner spoke, his breath came out in clouds.
at least, i assume he was cold — but perhaps he was chainsmoking between takes. that would tickle Ms Wood.
reece Shearsmith, Steve Pemberton and Mark Gatiss joined the parade of celebrity fans paying tribute to the playwright, stand- up comic and songwriter, in the series of halfhour salutes, Our Friend Victoria (BBc1). this has been a beautifully compiled collection of her best clips, from a career spanning 30 years. instead of rushing out a ragbag of her favourite routines, the Beeb has taken the trouble to plan it properly.
the result was six themed shows, crammed with comedy gems that really did justice to Victoria Wood’s work. Gatiss and chums presented the fifth episode, featuring sketches inspired by dreadful daytime telly — especially the breakfast shows that delighted her so much.
Her lifelong friend Julie Walters chipped in with a thoughtprovoking idea, that bad TV is addictive. You hate yourself for watching but can’t stop.
if so, the patron saint of tellyholics is St Victoria. She’s up there, giving her halo a quick shine with a duster and a squirt of Pledge.