Girl jobs and boy jobs are the secret of lasting love
What makes a good marriage? Is it a vigorous sex life, undimmed by the passage of time or sagging flesh? Is it a healthy bank balance, tolerating each other’s bad habits, sharing the same passions, remembering birthdays and anniversaries?
the answer is, of course, all and none of the above. Because no marriage works unless you have the one key ingredient that ignites the mix: love.
Not hollywood love, or romantic-novel love, or candlelight-and-stars love. actual, real, true love, the kind you never see in fancy films or blockbusters because, truth be told, it is not awfully exciting.
Genuine love is not a bouquet of flowers and a diamond ring; it’s not perpetual passion, grand gestures or jealous histrionics. It’s actually, when it comes down to it, rather mundane.
the ability to spend an evening together without the need to exchange more than five words (‘Glass of wine?’ ‘Yes please’); taking the bins out without being asked; letting the other person have the lie-in even though you’re completely exhausted.
Essentially, caring about another person as much — more, even — than you care about yourself, and being ready to show it. Knowing that what’s good for them is good for you too because if they are happy, then you’re happy.
For any marriage to endure and succeed, emotional generosity has to be at the heart of it. With that, everything else falls into place and it doesn’t matter what the world throws at you — adversity will only ever make you stronger as a unit.
that was the surprising thing about the One Show interview with Philip and theresa May on tuesday evening. Because it wasn’t so much what we found out about Mr May that intrigued us; it was his effect on Mrs May.
SHE showed a very different side to herself, a side most of us have never seen. In his presence the years fell away. there was a flush of colour in her cheeks. She was almost girlish, even giggly. She agreed it was ‘love at first sight’. Most unexpected.
alone, the Prime Minister can come across as rather stern, a little cold and very measured. he, meanwhile, seems like just another grey-haired banking type in a nice suit and quirky glasses.
But when they were together on that sofa in the TV studio, something fascinating happened. they both became somehow more than the sum of their parts — threedimensional, shifting into focus in a manner we hadn’t seen before.
Mrs May braved the One Show sofa because she wanted the country to see ‘ what made her tick’. What we actually saw was
who makes her tick. that said, not everyone enjoyed the interaction. On twitter the usual beyond-parody suspects seized on her revelation that he mostly took care of the ‘boy jobs’ as evidence of the inherent sexism of the evil tories (quiz question: Which British political party is the only one to have elected not one, but two female leaders?)
Not even his quip about her allowing him to choose exactly
when he took the bins out seemed to placate them. Which is perfectly silly, since such domestic arrangements, while not the only element in a happy marriage, are nevertheless a big stumbling block if you get them wrong.
Early in our marriage, example, there was a clear inequality between what my husband considered a tidy room and my concept of the same.
Put bluntly, I was a bit slovenly. My husband, by contrast, was and remains a neat freak, one of those people who cannot rest until every last bit of clutter has been properly tidied away.
the only exception to this rule are his books, which, like overindulged children, are free to roam wherever they please, with complete disregard for all our other possessions.
In particular my habit of, as he put it, ‘using the bed as a table’ used to drive him mad. I would angrily retort that at least it was better than hanging wet towels on the corners of doors.
Dishes, too, used to be a source of friction. I put them in the sink on the way to the dishwasher; he insists they must remain on the kitchen work surface. and since the subject of bins has been raised, I can honestly say that in our house they are mostly a ‘girl job’, unless the children are after extra pocket money.
Marking out each other’s domestic territory in this way may seem banal, but it is all part of stitching the tapestry of your lives together — and of building a functioning partnership based on clear boundaries and mutual respect.
It seems to me this is what the Mays have achieved. they work together but also respect each other’s individuality.
I have no doubt she would not be where she is today without him. and that is not some antifeminist critique, an attempt to ascribe her abilities to her man.
It is simply an acknowledgement of the strength of their relationship, and of the fact that his clear and unflinching devotion gives her the strength she needs to carry on. Quite simply, she knows she is loved, and that is the most empowering feeling in the world.
Being Prime Minister is a very risky business. You need tremendous self-belief; but you also need to know that when — never if — the going gets tough, you will still have the unconditional support of your spouse. No wonder Mrs May has chosen ‘strong and stable’ as her election slogan: it succinctly describes the most important relationship in her life.
She knows from experience the potential a successful marriage can unleash. Within it there is almost infinite room for personal ambition. Without the fear of rejection we can be free to push the boundaries of our existence, to fly where eagles dare.
Such a relationship develops over time, experience building on experience, lesson on lesson. that is why marriage itself is so important: whether as a religious or civil bond, it presents a barrier, a lock that stops a couple simply giving up at the first hurdle.
AND most of us need that obstacle, especially in the early years of marriage, when lack of finances, coping with small children and a natural tendency to look back nostalgically on our more carefree single days exercise certain pressures on even the most devoted of couples.
It is very rare for two people to be so brilliantly attuned that they can coexist without mishap.
Most of us have to work hard on our relationships, learning which battles to fight and when to let go, how to get past the immediate preoccupations of our own needs, to see the advantages of curbing our egos. Marriage is the glue that binds two people together while these creases get ironed out. Without it, running for the exit is all too easy.
Because the truth is, the longer you can stay together, the more you become a part of each other.
the Mays have been married for almost 37 years — and it shows in the ease and confidence they displayed on tuesday. and across the land, as millions tuned in, countless other couples will have seen in them their own love stories, and felt that connection.