Mothers and daughters at WAR

It’s the new generation divide: ‘selfish’ grannies enjoying retirement versus their working mum daughters desperate for support. And, as these interviews reveal, neither side is

ShARRoN FoSTeR didn’t want to make a big deal of her birthday. All that mattered was having her family there. But when she asked her mother, helen, to join her and James, her six-year-old son, for a small celebratory dinner this March, helen was ‘too busy’.

The rebuttal was, Sharron says, ‘ the final straw’ for her fractured relationship with her 67-year-old mother.

‘Mum never visits us,’ claims Sharron, 46. ‘everything has to be on her terms. i told her not to bother coming to see me again if she can’t support our family. i have my own children to look after.’

While many might judge Sharron’s reaction as harsh, she is by no means the only middleaged woman whose relationship with her own mother is at, or near, breaking point.

Torn apart by their different circumstances, the two generations have never been more at war — and there’s no ceasefire in sight.

The argument, as Sharron sees it, is this: she holds down two jobs while raising a child single-handedly in a modest two-bedroom rented house in Newquay, Cornwall. Both money and time are scant and precious resources. her mother helen, meanwhile, lives in a ‘massive’ house and, Sharron claims, spends her days as she pleases, with a generous pension at her disposal.

Why should Sharron run around after her privileged Mum? Why can’t she be the one making time for her?

Retired businesswoman helen, though, says her daughter is always moaning; that despite no longer being in the world of work, she still has endless demands on her time and that, owing to advancing years and ill health, she is shattered.

Some might ask why helen, now approaching her seventh decade, shouldn’t expect her daughter to make some effort and come to see her regularly, to check she’s oK. Why must visits always be for Sharron’s benefit?

The pair are stuck in stalemate and barely speaking. Meanwhile, similar arguments are being conducted nationwide, as ‘selfish’ babyboomer grandmas and their ‘ burnt out’ offspring find themselves at loggerheads.

When Jeannette Kupfermann wrote in the Mail recently that the reason why so many grandparents feel isolated is because their thoughtless children make no effort to visit with their own children, she prompted a fierce and bitterly divided response.

While

hundreds of grandparents wrote in with their tales of woe at being a barely remembered afterthought in their children’s lives, equal numbers of adult children were furious at what they considered an unfair allegation of selfishness. They claimed it was impossible to agree to their parents’ every demand while bringing up children and holding down stressful jobs.

Not only that, they pointed out, but 60-something grandparents, enjoying generous pensions and a relaxed retirement, couldn’t begin to understand the pressure they were under.

And, they added, if their parents were so unhappy with the attention they received, they should stop moaning and make themselves useful to their children and grandchildren instead.

So who is right? With no one conceding any ground — and the wealth gap widening — the argument is unlikely to be resolved any time soon.

‘Now we’re living longer, and in better health, than previous generations, the mother/ daughter relationship is entering a new and difficult dynamic,’ says parenting expert Judy Reith.

‘Working mothers are under a lot of pressure and, as a result, often need and value their own mothers dropping everything to care for their children.’

And for some women it seems hard to abandon the self- centred belief that even though they are adults, the onus is on their mothers to look after them.

But Reith, who also runs life-coaching workshops for the over-50s, says: ‘This is not always fair. Grandmothers in their 60s and beyond now have responsibilities and plans outside the family and don’t necessarily want to be the first port of call for childcare.

‘Yet at the same time, they need to be sensitive to their offspring’s circumstances. Sitting on their high horse and saying: “it wasn’t like this in my day” will only polarise the relationship further and foster resentment.’

Sharron certainly believes her mother should make an effort to visit.

‘i’m angered by the selfishness of my parents’ generation,’ says Sharron, mother to Sophia, 19 — on a gap year before university — and James, six, who juggles two jobs as a jewellery designer and beauty therapist.

‘i wish they realised how much more difficult life is now. My mother has a massive pension and a house, while i am working all hours trying to pay my rent and provide for my own family. She should be the one to make an effort. But she doesn’t.’

The two live just 30 miles apart. But Sharron says helen — who divorced Sharron’s father David and remarried 20 years ago — can go for months without getting in touch.

‘She brings presents on the children’s birthdays but that’s it,’ says Sharron, who has been single since separating from James’s father last year. ‘She says she’s too busy but she’s retired. it’s not as if she has work to do.

‘Then she complains that she’s lonely. i’ve suggested she goes to church to meet people, or volunteers to help a charity. But she’s not interested.’

Sharron, who last saw her mother at a family reunion last November, admits the two have never been very close.

‘Sometimes i feel so guilty, i suggest i should visit her but she says i have to make an appointment. She moans that she’s lonely but refuses my help.’

The phone calls have begun to dry up, too. ‘Until last year i called Mum once a week without fail, until i realised she never calls me. it’s all so one-sided,’ says Sharron. ‘ But as much as i felt taken for granted, family is still important to me, which is why i wanted Mum at my birthday.’

Besides, she believes, helen is financially better off, so better placed to visit her. ‘Mum complains that it’s too far to drive here and the traffic is too bad. She moans about the cost.’

Although Sharron concedes that helen was at James’s birth, she says she didn’t visit again until James was two — and never offers to help with childcare.

HoW

does she explain helen’s reluctance to make an effort? ‘ Many women her age are entitled,’ says Sharron. ‘ They think they have done their duty and can relax, while older men still see themselves as providers.

‘My dad, who’s 69, still runs the shops he owned with my mum so i don’t begrudge the fact that he doesn’t visit much. Mum wants everything her own way — but that’s how a child acts, not a parent. She should grow up.’

helen, meanwhile, tells the Mail she has osteoporosis and that caring for her elderly husband and brother while trying to sell a relative’s house takes up every hour of her day.

‘i don’t have a life except for caring

for elderly men,’ she says. ‘i can’t see anyone. i get up at 5am and by the evening i’m exhausted. i don’ t have

time to feel lonely. She says Sharron should have understood’ why she couldn’t attend her birthday, insists that she does telephone her daughter, who chooses not to answer, and that Sharron is the one who is always moaning

‘ if it’s going to be vitriolic,’ says helen, it’s better for me there isn’t contact.’

Such conflicts over distance are mostly a modern phenome non. Years ago, most mothers and daughter ters would have remained in clo geographical proximity in their adult lives.

But, says Reith: ‘ Our mobile population means many are living miles apart, creating different expectation and communication problems.’ And when they have always

enjoyed a close relationship, tension that arises in later life can be all the more painful. Claire Cornwall says her relationship with her mother Ann, 63, has been strained since the latter moved away to start a new life two years ago. ‘mum complains she’s lonely and misses me. i love her but she has forfeited her right to complain,’ says Claire, 34, a legal secretary. Ann took an active role in looking after Claire’s children, nineyear- old marcus and ilsa, six. But just three months after Claire separated from her husband in march 2015, Ann, who had split from Claire’s father Thomas, 63, five years earlier, announced she was moving to Paignton, Devon — 130 miles from their home in Cheltenham, Gloucestershire. in Devon, Claire says, her mother leads an enviable Sharron Foster: ‘Mum never visits us now’ life: ‘She has more time on her hands than me and is comfortably off.’

The timing wasn’t ideal. ‘my ex is a hands-on dad but while he was in the process of moving out i was doing everything on my own,’ says Claire.

‘Of course i wanted mum to stay, for both practical and emotional support, but i wasn’t selfish enough to stop her. i wanted her to be happy.’

Within months, she says: ‘mum would call to say she was struggling to make friends and that she was lonely because she didn’t see us often.

‘i love her but we started to row. i asked her what she wanted me to do. She had made the decision to leave.’

She says she can count the times Ann has come back to Cheltenham on one hand. ‘She gets anxious driving on the motorway and the trains are expensive. i miss her, as do the children, and we make the two-and-a-half-hour drive down to see her once a month, but as a single parent with a full-time job i don’t have time to visit more often.’

Nor does Claire think she should be held responsible for her mother’s happiness. ‘i don’t mean to sound horrible but

left me three months after i separated from my husband. Yes, i told her i was fine at the time — initially, the separation was a relief — but with hindsight i was struggling, and within months i was crying and would have done anything for a hug from mum.

‘She says she feels guilty now and that she’ll move back. But that makes me feel selfish.’

Psychotherapist Hilda Burke sees an increasing number of female clients who are under pressure to make more time for their retired mums.

‘The assumption that they should be the ones calling is often implicit — the mother will tell her daughter that she “doesn’t want to disturb” her, but this expectation weighs heavily on the adult daughter, who feels guilty that she doesn’t have time,’ says Burke.

‘family roles tend to be established in early life and are rarely questioned, so even when they are fully grown and mothers themselves, daughters can still feel they are the “child” and therefore deserving of more attention from their mums.’

Sometimes, simply becoming a grandparent can dramatically alter the mother/daughter dynamic.

Hannah Barnes, 26, feels ‘massively disappointed’ that, seven months after her son Jack was born, her mother mary, 48, has yet to visit her first grandchild. ‘i was expecting a lot more support,’ says Hannah, from Burgess Hill, West Sussex.

She and mary had always enjoyed a close relationship, even after divorcee mary moved from Sussex to Swansea five years ago after meeting a man she has since married.

‘mum came back to visit twice a month,’ says Hannah. ‘She was the first person i told i was pregnant. She was excited, even offering to look after Jack for two days every other week.’

BUT

Hannah says that last September, a month before Jack was born, mary’s behaviour began to change. ‘Suddenly it was up to me to make the effort. She said she couldn’t come to my baby shower or be my birth partner because she was ill,’ says Hannah, whose partner is mark, 44, a product manager. ‘i felt hurt.’

Eventually, it was Hannah who took Jack to Wales see mary when he was a month old.

‘i realised they wouldn’t meet otherwise, but the four-hour drive with a newborn was incredibly stressful,’ she recalls. ‘When we arrived, mum burst into tears and cuddled Jack and said “i’ve finally got to meet you.” it felt like a dig that i hadn’t been before. it wasn’t exactly the introduction i’d hoped for.’

Hannah has driven to see mary, a homeopath, twice since — last Christmas and this march — while mary continues to cite ill health as a reason not to visit. But, says Hannah, ‘She seems perfectly fine to me and hasn’t been diagnosed with anything.

‘ Then she says she’s lonely and expects me to come up every couple of months. i feel selfish for saying no but i have to look after my own family.’

Her attempts to entice her mother to stay with her have failed: ‘i’ve said we’d move Jack out of his room so she can have her own space. i’ve promised we’ll keep the house immaculate. i’ve offered to meet her halfway.’

for her part, mary claims she is ‘severely incapacitated’ by illness and that Hannah’s account is ‘fictitious’.

Nonetheless, her mother’s reluctance to visit has upset Hannah.

‘i haven’t heard from her since the beginning of April, when i said that i couldn’t come to see her. She has stopped talking to me. i’m shocked.’

it is a sad situation for all concerned. As Judy Reith puts it: ‘it’s such a waste of potential. When these relationships move towards understanding they are nourishing and transformative.

‘The ripples of this kind of healing would be felt by many.’ SOME names have been changed.