Zip it ... with the greatest of respect!
HOW TO SPEAK ELECTISH (PART 2)
Gaffe: A chance expression of truth.
Good constituency MP: Electish phrase meaning ‘ a politician so obscure as to be unknown beyond his own doorstep’.
Grievances: Always ‘genuine’.
Gut instincts: ‘I have gut instincts. You sometimes say things you don’t mean. He is a bigot.’
Hearing: Doorsteps have particu-larly strange acoustics. ‘All the polls are predicting a heavy loss.’ ‘That’s not what I’m hearing on the doorsteps, Andrew’.
Hinterland: Quality attributed to any MP whose car radio is tuned to Classic FM.
Historical smear: History is now defined as any period prior to the past ten years. If an opponent or interviewer suggests that you once gave a speech in praise of terrorism, respond in your best Electish that this is nothing more than an ‘historical smear’.
Honest , Let me be perfectly: Phrase preceding a fib or obfuscation. Hypotheticals: If the past is to be discounted, then so, too, is the future. If you don’t want to answer a question about the future, sim-ply complain that it is ‘hypothetical’. ‘ What would you do about…?’ ‘I’m sorry, Andrew, but I make it a rule never to engage in hypotheticals.’ I’ll come to that in a moment, if I may, Andrew. Handy time-wasting phrase to use when you can’t think of the right answer, or, indeed, any answer at all.
Important: Every General Election is ‘the most important election in our lifetimes’.
In real terms: Anything not quite real, for example: ‘We’ve invested more in real terms than any other administration’.
Influential: Adjective most commonly applied to those lacking influence, for example: ‘ Geoffrey Dullingham, Vice-Chairman of the influential Backbench Fridge- Freezer Review Committee’.
Initiatives: Always ‘bold’. Insults: Always ‘traded’.
Intention: Electish for anything deniable in future. For example: ‘It is not our intention to raise taxes for the less well-off’.
Interests: Always ‘shared’. Invest: Governments invest; everyone else spends. ‘I have just invested in a three-course meal for two with a bottle of house red.’ Issues, The: Always worth sticking to, particularly if you don’t have the figures to hand. ‘And how much will that cost, Ms Abbott?’ ‘ Er. Um. Let’s stick to the issues, Andrew.’
Jokes: Always ‘inappropriate’.
Keeping my options open: Plan-ning to change my mind.
Larger than life: Morbidly obese.
Lessons: Always ‘ need to be learnt’. Long grass: Always having things kicked into it. Me and my team: Electish phrase meaning ‘me’. Measures: Only ever seen on a raft. Meetings: Always ‘cordial’, except when ‘stormy’. Offensive: Always ‘ deeply’. ‘I am brutally honest. You are frank. She is deeply offensive.’ One size: Never fits all. Opportunities: Always ‘waiting to be seized’. Options: Always ‘worth exploring’. Passionate: ‘ I am passionate. You are fervent. He is a fanatic.’ Pledge: Household cleaning product. Policies: Always ‘put in place’. Polls: Never to be trusted. ‘The only poll that matters is the one on Election Day, Andrew.’ Radical: ‘I am a radical. You are a firebrand. He is a very real threat to society.’ Reforms: Always ‘far-reaching’, ‘long overdue’ and/or ‘radical’. Reviews: Always ‘full’, ‘systematic’ and/or ‘long-term’. Risks: ‘I am unwilling to play fast-and-loose. You are cautious. He is running scared.’ Speech, Next: Always the most important of your political career. Sums: Never add up. Thorough: ‘I am thorough. You are cautious. He lacks imagination.’ Vision: ‘I have a vision. You have a television. He needs a new pair of specs.’ What people really want to
know: When asked a simple question, be sure to suggest an alternative. ‘What did you have for breakfast?’ ‘ What people really want to know, Andrew, is are we going to have the strong economy that enables us to pay for the public services that people want?’ With the greatest respect: Electish for ‘shut your mouth’.