AGED 52

THE 50th birthday has been and gone, and the bosom is hastening into retreat — appearing for special occasions only. No point in putting on a show if no one notices. So you keep everything in as neat and tidy a parcel as you can.

But why didn’t anyone warn me of the consequences of learning to cook once I had started easing up? Vanity hasn’t completely vanished though — hair, teeth and nails are well groomed — but I know I have definitely left the male appreciation society behind.

Luckily my old man — we’ve now been married 38 years — is still interested.