Now I’m retired, my family think I’m always free
novelIst, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 61, answers your questions . . .
Q I AM a 73-year-old grandmother and love my family very much. However, they are constantly dropping in on me unannounced. While I am grateful they want to see me, it is the assumption that gets on my nerves: that, now I am retired, I am always free and ready to drop everything when it suits them.
But I have a life, too! I like to keep myself busy and have my own routines — appointments, exercise classes, walking the dog and lunching with friends.
I am often expected to change my plans last-minute and feel I am being taken for granted. How can I bring this up without putting them off visiting me altogether? A There’s nothing worse than hearing a knock at the door when you have made other plans, even if it heralds your nearest and dearest charging in.
I’m sure you give them the warmest of welcomes (you probably even deny that they’re disturbing you), but I don’t blame you for resenting the interruption.
Busy parents, like your offspring, tend to imagine that anyone not still toiling at the coalface of childcare has it very easy. Your family probably think your life consists of acres of leisure time with only the occasional appointment to punctuate it. They may even suspect you’re grateful to them for breaking up your day.
Calling in on you without prior arrangement has become a habit. But it’s not too late to break it. And there’s no need to upset your family in the process. Next time they turn up, greet them as before. Then produce your friend-in-need: a large, clear weekly planner. Make sure it’s already filled in with upcoming activities and hobbies. Proudly declare you’ve almost joined the 21st century (you can use an online calendar in due course, if you’re so inclined) and that, when it comes to making and keeping appointments, it’s so useful if you can see them written down. You could blame your own failing memory, if it helps to keep the peace. Then say you’d love to schedule their next visit. There may be a little bit of resentment from your family at being suddenly timetabled, but you can tell them — rightly — that if you know when they’re coming, you can both really look forward to seeing them and give them your undivided attention. It’s likely that it’s never occurred to them you’d be anything other than thrilled to see them, or that you have an otherwise busy life. They clearly still see your house as a place they need no appointment to visit, but I suspect you always phone ahead to arrange your visits to them (they’d probably take a dim view if you didn’t). seeing your weeks laid out in black and white will remind them to afford you the same respect for your time as they would their friends. Absence — and forward planning — make the heart grow fonder.