Holy jam roly-poly, what’s going on in the Yew-Kay?

TRYING to pick the bones out of this general Election result is difficult enough even if you live here and have been paying close attention. Politicians and pundits have decided that the result means whatever they want it to mean. Confused? You’re supposed to be.

So imagine how it looks from overseas. Time once again to cross to our U.S. affiliate, Eye Witness News, in Palm Beach, for an American perspective . . .

GOOD morning America, how are you? This is your favourite son, Chad Hanging. Let’s go live to London, Englandland, and our special correspondent Brit Limey. He’s been following the Yew-Kay election for us. Hey, Brit, I believe we’ve got a clear winner.

Good morning, Chad, yes, we have. And the winner is Jeremy Corbett, leader of the Labor Party, better known here as Jezza. He’s the guy from the car show, on Netflix, right?

That’s right, Chad. He’s hugely popular, especially with young people, who have voted in their millions and delivered a historic victory for Labor. So this was a landslide for Jezza? Absolutely. The margin was a massive 262 seats to 318. I make that a majority of almost 60 for Labor.

Not quite, Chad. Labor got 262. The Conservatives got 318. Then how come it’s being called a victory for Labor? Just the way it works under this crazy electoral college system, Chad. Labor won the popular vote, though? Nope. Labor got 12,874,985 votes, compared to 13,667,213 for President May. May? He’s the long-haired hippie they call Captain Slow, yeah? Used to, Chad. These days he’s known as Mother Theresa. Captain Slow is a woman now?

They’re very big on the trans thing here in Englandland. Most of the other party leaders in the Yew-Kay are women, so I guess President May thought he’d have to become a woman, too. And it worked, right?

Up to a point, Chad. May did win more votes and more seats. But they’re still calling this a victory for Corbett. He says he’s ready to form a government. But he lost.

Technically speaking, that’s correct. But that hasn’t stopped the BBC declaring him the winner. Can they do that? They just did, Chad.

Hang on a minute, Brit. Sounds like it wasn’t even close, not like our election here in the U.S. At least Trump won the electoral college, even if Hillary took the popular vote. This guy Jezza lost both the electoral college and the popular vote, but he still gets to be President? No. But some people are saying he’ll be President in six months. If he lost on both counts, how’s that going to happen?

It isn’t, Chad. But one thing I’ve learned while I’ve been in Englandland is that no one here ever accepts the result of a democratic election any more. Howdya mean?

Well, take the referendum on Britain leaving the Eurovision Union. The people voted by 52 per cent to 48 per cent to leave, but the

losers have done everything they can to stop that happening. On what grounds?

They said the people were too stupid to know what they were voting for. So they want the referendum run again. Is that gonna happen?

Your guess is as good as mine, Chad. Depends on who’s President six months from now. For the time being, it’s President May, even though everyone says she’s a dead woman walking. How come she’s still President, then?

Good question, Chad. I guess it’s because she actually won the election. So why doesn’t everyone just shut up and let her get on with it?

It’s not as simple as that, Chad. Although she won the most seats in the Houses of Lords, she still doesn’t have a majority over all the other parties. So she needs the support of the Ulster Unionists to get her across the line.

I’m assuming she won’t get that?

Oh, no. She’ll get the support of the Unionists, no problemo. They’re Conservatives, too, only more so. I thought Unionists were Labor.

That’s trades unionists, Chad. These are Ulster Unionists, from Irelandland, who believe in the United Kingdom.

Aren’t the Irish independent from the Yew- Kay? Fought a bloody revolution over it. Different part of Irelandland, Chad. OK. So if May can count on them, what’s the problem? Scotlandland. What, those pesky Scotch Nuts again?

Nope. The Scotch Nuts did badly this time. Their former leader, Alan Salmon, lost his seat, and so did their leader at Winchester, Angus Steakhouse. I thought their leader was called Nicholas Surgeon. He is. But Surgeon wasn’t running in this election, or he might have lost, too. Either way, the Scotch Nuts haven’t got the numbers to make a difference. So what’s the problem in Scotlandland, then? The Conservatives.

Run that by me again, Brit. Aren’t the Scotch Conservatives supposed to be on President May’s side?

Theoretically, Chad. But the leader of the Scotch Conservatives, Babe Ruth Davidson, doesn’t like President May doing a deal with the Ulster Unionists. But they’re all Conservatives, right?

You’d think so. But Babe Ruth believes the Ulster conservatives are the wrong sort of Conservatives. Why? She doesn’t like their attitude to homosexuals. What? Long story short, Chad, the Ulster Unionists supported a

bakers’ shop in Belfast that refused to bake a cake celebrating gay marriage. And? Babe Ruth’s a lesbian. Very big on diversity. And kick-boxing.

So the whole future of the Yew-Kay now depends on a row about a gay wedding cake? That’s about the strength of it, Chad.

Can’t President May buy off Davidson with a job in the Cabinet, or something?

Davidson doesn’t sit in the Houses of Lords, so she can’t be bought off. She wants to be Queen of Scotlandland, like Surgeon, who doesn’t have a seat at Winchester, either. Come to think of it, the leader of the Ulster Unionists isn’t a member of the Houses of Lords, either.

How come they can decide what happens to the rest of the Yew-Kay, then? Beats me, Chad.

Tell me this, Brit, the Senate heard last week that the Russians tried to interfere in the U. S. elections. Is there any evidence Russia may have interfered with the election in Englandland?

None I know of, Chad, but one of the front-runners to succeed President May is called Boris. So you can draw your own conclusions. Any other candidates? There’s a guy called Dave Davies. From The Kinks? You really got me there, Chad. He’s the Brexit Secretary. But is Brexit going to happen now?

That’s the 64- million- dollar question. We’re just hearing that the Queen’s Speech has been cancelled.

What, that movie about the stammering King? Why would they do that?

Probably trying to do a deal with the Irish republicans. Who knows any more? Sounds like a real car crash over there, Brit.

Funny you should mention that, Chad. Jeremy Corbett’s sidekick, Philip Hamster, the Treasury Secretary, has just driven a car off a cliff at 200mph.

Can’t say I blame him, Brit. Holy Jam Roly Poly, as they say in jolly old Englandland. And these snooty limeys have the nerve to laugh at the way we run our democracy...