Your next PM is . . . Brooklyn Beckham!
The Prime Order Of Pundits, or Poop, held a conference following last week’s general election results.
Before the conference, the organisers had confidently predicted that 200 pundits would attend. In the event, 20 turned up.
‘ Our prediction of delegate numbers may have been out by a few percentage points,’ said the general secretary, Max Wordage. ‘But, on the whole, I think we got the figures broadly right. We were well within the margin of error. And, of course, no one could possibly have foreseen that so many people would fail to turn up.’
The conference kicked off at 9.30am, and not 10.45am, as it said in the brochure. This meant that only two people were present to hear the general secretary praising the members’ most outstanding predictions since January of this year. These included:
Once Donald Trump becomes President, he will gain gravitas. his inauguration address will be conciliatory, reaching out beyond his core support to the nation as a whole.
The far-Right Marine Le Pen will win the French presidency, sending France into political flux. Likewise, Geert Wildersrs will sail to power in the netherlands.
‘STEADY as she goes’ British Prime Minister Theresa May will resist pressure to call a snap election. Instead, she will carry on business as usual while support for Labour’s Jeremy corbyn will continue to dwindle.
MEANWHILE, Downing Street wizards nick Timothy and Fiona hill will go from strength to strength, with their fingers firmly on the pulse of public opinion.
ITS high-tempo mix of topical jokes and celebrity guests will ensure that The nightly Show will revolutionise British television, attracting millions more viewers to news At Ten’s old slot.
DIANE ABBOTT will consolidate her position as the Labour Party’s leader-in-waiting. her ready command of facts and figures will ensure her popularity within the party and the world beyond.
AFTER a break of 20 years, the UK will win the 2017 eurovision Song contest with never Give Up On you sung by Lucie Jones.
‘Some of these predictions may have been a little out,’ declared the general secretary. ‘But, broadly speaking, and allowing for unforeseen events, they proved remarkably accurate.’ After the opening address, the conference brochure announced a 15-minute break for tea and biscuits. In fact, it was a two-minute break with no biscuits, due to regional variations.
The second session was called ‘What’s Going To happen next?’ It involved pundits from national newspapers predicting the content of the third session.
The consensus was that it would revolve around sport and entertainment. When it was announced that it would, in fact, be about politics, the pundits declared their predictions broadly accurate, in all but the details.
The politics discussion was kicked off by top pundit George V. Serious, of the Sunday Post. he admitted that, all in all, his predictions of a Tory majority of 150 in the 2017 general election, and a wipe-out of the Labour Party, might have been open to misinterpretation. ‘On the other hand, I did suggest that Plaid cymru would pick up very few votes outside Wales — and in that predictionp I was bangb on target.’ Some pundits expressed misgivingsn about the volat tility of the British electorate. ‘If they continue to insist on v voting against our ex expectations, then th they have only themse selves to blame,’ ar argued heavyweight commentatorc GeoffreyG Plump.
‘ The results of th the 2017 general ele election should give us all pause for th thought,’ said Professor Michael heavygoing from the LSE.
Following a two-second pause for thought, the assembled pundits launched into a series of wide-ranging predictions for the years ahead.
A fortnight ago Professor heavygoing predicted that Theresa May (‘the most accomplished Prime Minister since churchill’) would lead her party to three successive election victories. But he felt driven to modify his position. She was, he now felt, ‘a third-rater’ who would ‘be gone by the end of the week’.
Geoffrey Plump came out with the firm prediction that Mrs May would be replaced as Prime Minister by Amber Rudd, who would ‘in all likelihood’ give way to Ruth Davidson in 2022.
There was, he felt, ‘ a very real chance’ that the conservatives could narrowly lose the 2027 general election to a revitalised Labour Party ‘possibly led by Brooklyn Beckham’, making Anselm Rees-Mogg the failsafe candidate to lead them back to victory in 2032.
The Poop delegates all agreed that it was a little too early to predict the results of the 2037 general election with any confidence. ‘But I think it’s safe to say that the SNP can forget about winning any major cornish seats,’ added another highly respected pundit.