I’ve freed myself from an angry bully

DEAR BEL,

A FEW weeks ago, I asked my partner to leave. I’m 65 and this is the fourth time we have split up in ten years.

I took him back three times before, but reckon this time that’s ‘it’ — and I’ve been praying for this for a long time. We would have been together 15 years in July.

In the past, he has called me terrible words, the worst insults there are. I told him vile names really hurt.

But he kept using them whenever he got angry, which was often. I pitied myself, but I also felt ashamed because I put up with his treatment. He left on his own accord the first time and my reaction was to try to change the locks — but on the same day, he came back. That time he left for his daughter, who fell out with me when I told her to live within her means.

The other times, I asked him to go because I felt bullied. He promised to change — and now, because I took him back, my friends don’t believe this is final.

I stayed because I didn’t want to throw away 15 years together. But now I don’t want to throw away the next 15. I’ve joined a dating agency in the hope of finding somebody to spend the rest of my life with.

I feel better being on my own. Living in fear is not a life anybody deserves. Being peacefully alone is better than being with somebody and always feeling on edge. Do you agree? HILARY

ABSOLUTELY, I do agree — and that’s why I’m rather worried that you have so quickly catapulted yourself into the dangerous and often demoralising whirlwind of internet dating. Can you see the contradiction within your letter? One of your motives for writing is to encourage women trapped in unhappy, abusive marriages to set themselves free.

You tell me you now feel at peace — and (this point I cut for reasons of space) that you feel God has helped you towards this decision. I respect your religious faith, but just implore you to use it to help you take stock of your current situation.

Contemplation is good; desperate searching for another relationship so soon is not. You say you feel at peace. Why not settle into that feeling for a while, and get used to your independence, before scrabbling to find a new partner? I fear that could end in tears.

Many people find themselves trapped within bad relationships, unable to escape for financial reasons, or because the thought of splitting is more frightening than remaining. Wasn’t that the case with you in this abusive love-hate relationship?

As you say, sometimes people are reluctant to ‘throw away’ the life that’s been shared, and just go on hoping things will improve. But if they don’t? Yes, I would always counsel people to cut their losses and go — because we have only one life.

I entirely agree with you that living alone (at least for a while) is much better than enduring the treatment you describe.

It’s clear your life with that man was full of conflict (spreading to your disagreement with his daughter) and of course nobody should have to put up with that.

All I would say is you’re brave to have acted at last — and I hope you stick to it.

Please don’t take him back. I also hope you can settle into your own skin and see how you enjoy your own company (making new friends as well perhaps) in this brave new world of freedom.