How to cope when your wife’s more successful than you
A laugh-out-loud survival guide from a husband whose other half earns 20 TIMES as much as him
SITTING in a cafe one sunny day, flicking through a glossy magazine, I got to the section showing well- known people at a society party to find that my wife was one of them. This sort of thing happens a lot — my wife designs interiors and jewellery for celebrities including actresses Charlize Theron and Thandie newton, and her work is exhibited in the V&A and the Louvre in Paris. until that point, I hadn’t really given it much thought. I felt being photographed at parties was just an aspect of her work.
But, on this occasion, I noticed the photograph looked slightly odd. Her arm was in a strange position and the area to her left-hand side looked a little blurred and unreal. After pondering for a while, I realised the picture looked odd because somebody had been ‘ airbrushed’ out of the shot.
Somebody who had been standing next to my wife, interlocking arms with her.
Then I realised that person was me! All of a sudden, and for the first time, it became clear. I was married to a woman who
was more important than me. More photoworthy, more noteworthy, more interesting, more successful, more significant. I was a bit part player in the life of an Alpha Female. Indeed, I was married to an Alpha Female.
The sudden realisation explained so many things about my life that I had not, perhaps by choice, fully recognised before.
It may sound ridiculous that I didn’t realise my wife was an Alpha Female. I had been married to her for quite some time and, for the first few years, she was a humble shop girl, while I was the breadwinner, with a reasonably snazzy job as the creative director at an advertising agency. I suppose I felt I was in charge.
The shift in our relationship and her success happened over a period of ten years, and I had been so wrapped up in my own stuff that I hadn’t noticed she had overtaken me in every area. Over those years, she had set up a business and became financially successful. she’d become more confident and more articulate.
As I became fatter, uglier and balder, she had become more alive and more beautiful. her energy levels and appetite for life had increased as mine had decreased. she had become well known enough for paparazzi to snap her at premieres and parties.
I had slipped from Alpha Male to Beta Male. she had grown from Beta Female to Alpha Female.
Obviously, I don’t want to seem ungrateful for her success in life and, in fact, I’m profoundly not. The ‘compensations’ for being outstripped by my wife have been considerable.
she earns (and this bit is hard to say) almost exactly 20 times as much as me, so recently, I’ve been able to stop worrying about money (although worrying about money is so deeply ingrained that I still do). her world is so full that I never have to deal with a disappointed and under-stimulated wife.
And because she is an Alpha Female, she takes care of everything. everything in my life is organised, paid for, polished, perfected and invisibly taken care of.
Fresh toothbrushes appear in the bathroom. Beds remake themselves. holidays get booked. The fridge is always full. The garden tended. The dinner cooked. everything is perfect because my wife is, well, not far off.
so, here’s what I and my co-author SIMON MARKS have learned about how to keep an Alpha Female happy. Perhaps you should make things easier for the man in your life and slip this on to his bedside table . . .
ALPHA FEMALES: THE RULES
Never interrupt her. Never criticise her. Never be too tired for anything, especially sex.
Don’t ever be ill.
YOU’RE STILL IN CONTROL OF . . .
Taking out the rubbish. Changing light bulbs. unblocking lavatories. Gas leaks. Long-distance driving (for her, it’s valuable email time). heavy lifting. Anything else dangerous.
BACK AWAY FROM THE PINNY
WHEN the husband/partner works shorter hours than his Alpha Female, for example, and he is on his own at home more than he’d like, he may occasionally find himself filling the time with what is called IIH — or ‘Involuntary Instinctive housekeeping’.
It may start innocently enough, with him rearranging the position of a vase, or putting clothes in the laundry
basket. But it will quite often end with the male performing a whole set of full-on household tasks. These will include cooking slightly elaborate meals, noticing dust for the first time in his life and cleaning it, loading the dishwasher and actually switching it on. he may even start fussing over things that were never on his radar at all before, such as bathroom towels, curtains, bedspreads and, God forbid, even candles. In extreme cases, before too long, he has become the woman in the relationship. This is the kiss of death. No Alpha Female wants her man to become a woman. she doesn’t want to come home to find him plumping the cushions and picking out braiding. she wants him to care, certainly, but she doesn’t want him to be wearing the metaphorical pinny.
SHE OVERSEES YOUR THOUGHTS, TOO
AFTER a while, the partner of an Alpha will realise it’s easier to let her do the thinking. his life will be smoother if he aligns his opinions more closely to hers.
You will know your brain has been totally aligned to hers when you are asked by someone else for your thoughts on a topic and you turn to your Alpha Female to ask: ‘Darling, what do I think on that particular subject?’
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO . . .
Your job and how you can do it better.
Your clothes and what’s wrong with them.
Your body and what’s wrong with it.
Your friends and what’s wrong with them. Your politics. Your breath. Your hair.
NEVER FORGET YOU ARE HER ARM CANDY
YOUR Alpha Female’s clothes and the way she dresses are her business.
And your clothes are, well, her business. she likes to see her man well turned-out at all times.
This creates an image that makes you (by which we mean her) look good. In a suit, for example, her man looks: employed, tidy, sane and grown-up. And even if none of these are true, indeed
especially if none of them are true, the suit will fool most people for long enough.
Partnered to an Alpha Female, expect a lifetime’s advice on the way you look.
Repeat the oft- quoted mantra ‘happy wife, happy life’, and say goodbye to autonomy in the wardrobe department.
SHE’LL ASK FOR ADVICE — BUT NEVER LISTEN
She will occasionally ask you for advice. This could be on a wide range of subjects, from curtains and wall colours to business decisions, hair and fashion choices.
Don’t be fooled into thinking the relationship is a democracy. Your advice is asked for and listened to, but it will be ignored. When a man asks for advice, he wants advice. When an Alpha Female asks for advice, she is merely ‘Thinking Out Loud’.
For example: your wife is going out for the evening, either with you or, quite likely, without you. She wants to know she’s picking the best outfit and is putting an enormous amount of mental effort into the decision.
She comes to you as her trusted partner and asks you which dress she should wear, showing you two or three options. (As a man, it is clear to you which dress is best — it’s the one you fancy her in most — but, to her, it’s a much deeper issue.)
You are telling her your thoughts on the matter when you notice ‘the Glaze’ — that faroff look in her eye that tells you her thoughts are miles away. Console yourself with the know- ledge that, although she hasn’t listened to your ‘advice’, you have been a comfort. You have been there in a moment of real need. You have warmed the air nearby and helped her make her decision by allowing her to think out loud at a critical time.
LEARN TO LOVE PLAYING SECOND FIDDLE
BECAUSE your Alpha Female is more important than you, in social situations get used to people asking how she is before asking how you are. It will sting a little each time you get ignored or trampled on by people who are more interested in her than they are in you.
This is never going to be easy to deal with, but it is something you have to learn to swallow. There will be many other ways in which you will be reminded of your SFS (Second Fiddle Status). You will be placed at the riff-raff end of the table at dinner parties; she will be next to the host. All successes in your life will be somehow attributed to her and all failures attributed to you.
Not only her family, but your family, too, will address all matters of importance to her, rather than to you. Breathe deeply and let go. Let go of your ego. Let go of your agenda and replace it with hers. Surrender with a smile. Develop a Zen-like calm — and let her drive.
IF SHE CALLS YOU HER ‘ROCK’, PANIC!
IF YOU hear your Alpha Female telling someone you are ‘ her Rock’ you may be in trouble.
What she actually means is that she sees you as dependable and solid, but alas, also predictable and boring. She knows you are always going to be around, she sees you as part of the furniture, and she is possibly starting to take you for granted.
No woman wants to make love to a rock, and no man wants to be described as one — wet and cold, grey and heavy. A rock yes, but never a rock.
Alarm bells will sound to the sensible man on first hearing himself described as a rock. he will realise he has just heard his Alpha Female issue her first verbal warning. he will be alert enough to calculate he needs to make changes and inject a little more excitement before his relationship begins to slide.
WHAT SHE SAYS TO YOU BUT YOU CAN’T SAY BACK
Do you really want that extra dessert? You’re drinking too much. Make yourself useful. It’s time to go home. We’re spending the holidays with my family this year. I’ve got a headache. No.
NEVER BE BETA IN THE BEDROOM
EARLY in your life with an Alpha Female, you will become aware of the reversal of your relationship’s power dynamic that takes place in the bedroom.
While your Alpha Female may dominate every other sphere of her life (and yours), in bed you are expected to take charge.
The Alpha Female likes sex. her fast and furious lifestyle raises her libido and, as her partner, you will need to be ready for the call to action at any time.
At short notice, you will be expected to transform from a supportive, empathetic Beta Male outside the bedroom into a raging, dominating Alpha inside it.
Sex is the one and only arena where this sort of behaviour is encouraged — indeed expected.
Your Alpha Female will not appreciate you being weak, indecisive or submissive in bed and your relationship will descend into farce very quickly if you are.
HER PHONE WILL ALWAYS COME FIRST
THERE are three people in this relationship. You, your Alpha Female and her phone. Most of the space you would have occupied, and want to occupy, before its invention, is now taken by it.
It’s the first thing she touches in the morning, and the last thing to soothe her to sleep at night.
It’s constantly in her pocket or her hand, or pressed lovingly to her cheek. It’s her connection to the world, and it whispers sweet nothings in her ear.
Suggestion: stay calm and recognise how important her phone is. You may even wish to carry a charger, so you do not end up the brunt of a potentially dangerous mood-swing brought on by a flat battery.
FLATTERY WORKS EVEN ON AN ALPHA
HER one true weak spot is flattery. With everything else, she has a gimlet eye for insincerity or manipulation, but with flattery, she is blind and powerless.
Gentlemen, if you take nothing else from this guide, remember this one lesson: flattery is the kryptonite of the Alpha Female.
With it, you have the ability to reduce her powers — temporarily — so she’s putty in your hands.
RARE TIMES AN ALPHA STOPS BEING ALPHA
under general anaesthetic. While watching Poldark. upon the death of her pet. Shortly after her own death. When she bumps into an exboyfriend much hotter than you.
After crashing your car (but only for a few minutes).
When she’s being goofy and girly with her goofiest and girliest girlfriends.
BUT IN THE END, IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU
IT CAN be easy to forget, after a lifetime of training by your Alpha Female, that you are not just a set of functions, there to make her life run more smoothly. It is easy to forget that, in her way, she loves and needs you.
Don’t be fooled by her powerful demeanour. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you are not integral, that she can operate just as well — or better — without you.
She looks self- contained, selfconfident and self- supporting, but, and this is very difficult to believe, she depends on you. It is not just what you do for her in practical terms — you are the dumbbell that flexes her love muscles. You play an essential role in completing her: she needs you as a person and as her man.
Once you understand this, you will realise that, actually, if the chips are down, she would die for you. She is the greatest ally you will have and, if necessary, she will throw all her power, intellect and energy into helping you.
( As heart- warming as this sounds, let’s not get carried away. You are highly unlikely to require her to die for you, or even to take a small bullet in the leg, and, as a man, you will probably die well before her, anyway.)
How to Live with an alpha Female, by Murray Partridge and Simon Marks, published by Markridge at £10, is available from amazon.co.uk and paulsmith.com
NEVER interrupt her. NEVER criticise her. NEVER plump the cushions — and DON’T dare be ill