How to survive the small talk minefield

GYLES BRANDRETH wrote a most entertaining article about the pitfalls of small talk in Monday’s Mail. When I first became an MP’s wife, I was spectacularly bad at it — many would say I still am — but here are a few tips I’ve picked up . . .

1) ALWAYS assume that the person you are addressing has no idea who you are. Introduce yourself by name: ‘Hi, I’m X, how lovely to see you.’ Never say ‘meet’ in case you just did, five minutes ago at the same gathering, and their face is so unmemorable you’ve already forgotten it.

2) ALWAYS check their identity before entering into specifics. I once engaged in what I thought was winning small talk with the wife of the Japanese Ambassador. After listening patiently to my views on cherry blossom and sashimi, the lady in question politely intimated that she was, in fact, the wife of the Chinese Ambassador.

3) A COMPLIMENT always melts the ice. Nothing personal, though. Just a general: ‘You’re looking well, what have you been up to,’ since it gives them an opportunity to tell you all about their Botox/holiday/ lover. NEVER ask when the baby is due.

4) AVOID talking about other people in the room. ‘God, look at the state of her,’ may not go down too well if the ‘her’ turns out to be your interlocutor’s wife.

5) ASK questions that require long answers. That way you can enjoy the canapés while they do all the hard work.