The dastardly Mr Deedes

Rumours that HSBC want JP Morgan’s square-jawed former chief financial officer Peter Hancock, 59, as its next chief executive would mean yet another ex- JP man at the helm of a British bank. Barclays’ current boss Jes Staley held several senior positions at the US bank. As did Standard Chartered head honcho Bill Winters. All getting a bit incestuous isn’t it? But then my money’s still riding on HSBC making an internal appointment.

Ocado boss Tim Steiner, 47, who was last year forced to pay £116m to former wife Belinda, can be a chippy fellow at best of times. He was particularly irascible yesterday when journalists pushed him to reveal which European customer he claims to have finally (yawn) signed a long-awaited licensing deal with. He snapped: ‘If you are a good hotel, you don’t say which celebrities are staying there.’ Small wonder he and his ex-missus split.

Phone watch: Thirsty Sports Direct boss Mike Ashley, 52, who admits he doesn’t send emails, uses a discontinued Nokia C2. He told the High Court yesterday he had 50 of the user-friendly handsets but is now down to his last 20. Ashley’s fellow technophobe and charm school alumnus, Philip Green, retains dozens of Nokia’s 6310 model. Apparently, the old sea dog is constantly dropping them over the bows of his tasteful yacht Lionheart.

Despite another wretched year, morale at Deutsche Bank has improved for the first time since 2014 according to an internal company survey. Yesterday, Deutsche’s humourless, Yorkshire-born chief executive John Cryan defiantly told the German media: ‘You can be sure I’ve no plans to go elsewhere, not for a long time.’ I trust that doesn’t send the troops’ new-found esprit de corps plummeting again.

While many remain sceptical of Germany’s chances of luring banks over to Frankfurt post-Brexit, Mike Mainelli of City of London thinktank Z/Yen Group muses: ‘Frankfurt isn’t a bad place to live. It’s a bit boring, a bit dull. But then, so are many bankers.’ A fair point harshly made.