My family don’t want me to sell up and wed again

DEAR BEL,

I AM 65 and was suddenly widowed nearly 11 years ago. After a happy marriage of 34 years, my husband had a heart attack. My daughters were then 27 and 30 — the 30-year-old had a partner and a twoyear-old son.

Loving and helping look after my grandson kept me going. Now there’s four more children between them and I love it but can find it tiring at times. I’m the only grandparent able or willing to help. I’ve also helped my daughters financially.

I always wanted to meet someone, although my girls were not happy. After a couple of tries, I met a man through internet dating — 72, a widower who’d nursed his wife (with cancer) for two years. We met four months after her death. He is very caring and made me laugh.

After nearly a year I moved in with him. His house is larger than mine and his son (who lives 200 miles away) occasionally comes to stay with his wife and children. My daughters live 12 miles away and I still help with my grandchildren.

My partner has asked me to marry him — we love one another very much.

His son has a 50 per cent share in his house and I have thought about putting half of the proceeds of my house (now rented out) into his. Eventually we would like to move but my partner isn’t ready yet — which I understand. I’ve always kept my daughters fully informed, but they’re not happy about me putting their father’s ‘hard earned’ money into a stranger’s (ie my partner’s son) house. Hearing this I was very upset.

I’ve since had a text from my elder daughter saying she wants no more to do with me, her father was a ‘hardworking, decent man’, she wants her name off my will and complains of my victimisation of her. My other daughter responded similarly, but was not quite so vindictive. I honestly can’t think what I’ve done wrong.

I’ve suggested we let the ‘dust settle’ and speak later. That was a week ago. My partner has told his son we’re getting married. His son was pleased for us but not happy about me putting money into the house and has suggested we both let our houses and rent a house ourselves.

I feel we’re trying to please them all — at the expense of ourselves. Are we wrong in wanting a happy life together?

BRENDA

Unfortunately the idyllic meadows we yearn for are inevitably full of stones and nettles and that fresh green grass is flattened by invisible baggage.

of course, you and your partner have every right to long for happiness, but since you have both already endured bereavement, you know it comes at a cost.

What’s more, when we have children we bid goodbye to uncomplicated lives, to freedom, for ever — and that can become worse when they grow up to burden us with their views on what we should think and do.

family life has always been of central importance to me, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard! So the story unfolded here does not surprise me one bit. to jump to the end — surely your partner’s son speaks sense in suggesting both your properties are let for a while, enabling you to set up a new rented home together?

let’s look at the details of your love affair, in an effort to understand why your respective offspring may have problems.

It must have been strange for this son to know that his father was involved in internet dating just four months after his mother’s death, and welcomed a new lady into his late mother’s home one

year after that. He may not have said anything but I’m sure those developments were very disconcerting.

He has a half share in the family home, so it seems quite understandable that he is wary of changing that legal situation at the moment. Because, to be blunt, your wonderful love affair is still quite new, so who knows what will happen?

It does seem, on the surface, that your daughters have behaved very badly. Adult children often object to their remaining parent trying to establish new relationships, and it can feel extremely unfair and selfish.

You have every right to a new relationship and I would hope that in time your daughters will be very happy for you. But could it be too soon? What if they too are concerned that your partner found you so quickly? Might they be worried about his motivation?

After all, they are not in love with him and don’t know his son. Perhaps they really do have your welfare at heart — as well as their own loyalty to their late father and their own interests.

Yes, there are three different aspects (you, their late father, their fear that family money will disappear) to that last sentence, because emotions are rarely simple. That’s how life is.

You say you understand your partner’s unwillingness to sell his house yet. That’s fine, but it sets his own wishes ahead of yours.

What would be so wrong in finding a lovely property to rent together, furnishing it with favourite items from both your homes, and seeing how things develop from there?

You can plan your wedding and settle into a new life without involving lawyers and shares of property.

Then in a couple of years, when your respective families see how happy you are, you can decide where you would like to live — and do the right thing by your families in terms of wills. This way you can (hopefully) please everybody.