I can’t stand living with a miser

DEAR BEL,

I HAVE been with my husband for over 40 years. We both grew up in poverty and neither of us had a happy childhood. When we married we had two children, but if we couldn’t afford something, we didn’t buy it. That was always our philosophy.

Now we have worked hard all our lives, set up a very successful business and are doing well. We have reached our 70s — and our adult children (one boy, one girl) are also doing well, but have needed to turn to the Bank of Mum and Dad.

Our daughter doesn’t need so much help. However, we have helped our son, who has a good job and wants to make a better life for himself and his family. But my husband’s attitude to our family really upsets me — to the point when I feel I cannot bear him.

If they call round for coffee, he makes the situation so uncomfortable. I would give them the world and everything I have, but my husband is different and not so giving.

We always end up arguing after they have visited. He says they are ungrateful, but I love them and what’s mine is theirs. They will have our money one day when we have gone — so why not see them happy with it now?

Please tell me what you think: is my husband being unreasonable with our children or am I a too-caring mother? MARILYN

SOme of the emails I receive are very long, but yours left gaps. For example, just how does your husband make the ‘ situation so uncomfortable’ when the kids come and visit?

Did you help your son without his agreement? What does your daughter think about her brother receiving more money? Is that slight unfairness worrying your husband? Why exactly does he think them ‘ungrateful’?

money can cause terrible problems. many readers with comparable dilemmas may be sad that filthy lucre can tarnish family love. But it always has. Like many parents, I’ve always been ready to help my two offspring (just as my parents helped me, and still do), but hate it if one or other shows any sign of calculating to make sure things are fair.

What happens when a couple is at odds over the extent of ‘ help’? Surely the only way forward is compromise, because it damages a marriage if one parent goes behind the other’s back — playing the ‘good’ one, leaving the other blacklisted as a meanie.

You have to talk the matter through and acknowledge the other’s position. It worries me that you write, ‘I feel I cannot bear him.’ You’ve been through a lot, struggling, raising two kids, succeeding in business, growing older together. It would be terrible if this issue were to cause serious damage to your marriage.

Is your husband ‘being unreasonable’? maybe. Or perhaps he believes that since he had to work so hard for everything he has, his children should show the same discipline. Nothing wrong with that — as long as it doesn’t stem from miserliness.

Your son ‘has a good job’ — so your husband must think he’ll work his way towards a ‘better life’, just as you two did.

He may also worry about retirement, fearing you will splurge on your beloved children, neglecting essential sums that will guarantee a worry-free old age.

All this is sensible, as long as he explains it all clearly and you agree how to help your family. That’s a statement of the obvious, but it still amazes me how rows escalate without proper discussion.

Are you ‘a too-caring mother’? maybe. If we give our children (at any age) everything they want, we may end up by being punished for such selfless largesse. Like you, I tend to think ‘what’s mine is theirs’ —

but that doesn’t include all my time, or my most precious possessions. I’m big on love and attention, but not necessarily on wilful self-sacrifice.

Parenting necessarily involves setting parameters and maybe you have forgotten that. The old saying, ‘Give them an inch and they’ll take a mile’ is relevant here, because I do think it can be true of our children, which is why we must (as soon as the beautiful babe starts to toddle) learn to say: ‘No.’

Be generous with these two adults whom you love — but even-handedly and with quiet common sense.

If you give them too much, there is a real danger that your generosity will be taken for granted and that’s when apparent ungratefulness can show.

Your wisdom will show in also being generous with your husband, understanding his point of view, and working together to help the younger ones have their ‘ better life’ without sacrificing your own good life — and future — in the process.