Don’t fret about Foxit — here’s a cunning plan

THERESA MAY AND HER TOP TEAM SOLVE ALL YOUR QUESTIONS

Q: A farmer has to transport a fox, a chicken and a sack of corn over a river. He can carry only one of them at a time. If left together on either side of the river, the fox will eat the chicken and the corn, and the chicken will also eat the corn. What should the farmer do?

THERESA MAY SAYS: I have just chaired a meeting of the Cabinet, where we agreed on the correct procedure for the farmer to trigger his plans to transport his fox, his chicken and his sack of corn over the river.

Above all, we are determined to help the farmer deliver that mandate.

First, let me put one or two fears to rest. To those who say the chicken will eat the fox, we say this: the chicken will not eat the fox. And to those who say the corn will eat the chicken, let me reassure them: the corn has no teeth and little appetite.

And even if corn did have teeth, it would still not have the legs with which to chase the chicken.

So, despite what the opposition parties would have you believe, there is no long-term danger of the corn eating the chicken, or the chicken eating the fox.

Nor will the corn eat the fox. Let me repeat that, in the strongest possible terms: the fox is unlikely to be eaten by the corn, though we do not at this stage wish to reveal our negotiating hand.

So, the decision facing us today is simple. How to transport the chicken, the fox and the corn safely across the river. Liam? LIAM FOX : Speaking as a fox myself, let me say this. This historic trip represents a golden opportunity, not just for this one fox, but for all foxes, everywhere.

In order to be the global leader in free trade, there is only one course open to the fox. He must go for what I call a ‘hard Foxit’.

He puts the corn in the boat, and rows it across, so he can eat it without the farmer trying to stop him. Then he rows back and eats the chicken. Then he rows the farmer across, and throws him overboard at the half-way point.

This is a great deal, not only for foxes, but for all self- sacrificing chickens and corns and ordinary, hard-working farmers who still believe in doing the right thing for their country, by putting their own narrow interests to one side.

MRS MAY: Thanks, Liam. Our opponents think that they can weaken our resolve and make us change course. They say we don’t have a workable plan for that river-crossing. But they are wrong. No plan will be more workable. And no work will be more plannable. David?

DAVID DAVIS: Let me make this plain. Point number one is that there’s absolutely no crisis.

If the chicken eats the corn and the fox eats the chicken and the farmer kills the fox and then kills himself, well, that would be a perfectly feasible outcome in the long-term, because, frankly, the river would still be there, and the boat would remain intact, and we could put all our resources into river cruises, which are frankly much in demand.

That’s good news for the river and good news for the boat and good news for the cruising industry. So, that’s point number one. And point number two is that, whatever the outcome, there’ll always be point number one to fall back on.

MRS MAY: Excellent. And, finally, Boris: what’s your solution? BORIS JOHNSON: Any chance of a barbecue on this side of the river, before our farmer friend sets sail? Perhaps a corn starter, with chicken for mains and foxflavoured ice cream for puds? Scrumptious! That way, everyone’s happy, and — Bob’s your uncle! — we can put all the billions we would have spent on transporting those whiffy chickens and foxes and toodlypush into much greater things! MRS MAY: Thank you, Boris. What this country needs now, more than ever, is certainty. Of that we can be certain. Though nothing is certain. And that’s why I am delighted that the four of us are in such full agreement on the right approach for a successful river crossing. Under our plans, we can be assured of a strong and stable future for the farmer and his friends, either above the river or, as seems more likely, below it. And that is why it is so vitally important that when the farmer joins the fox, the chicken and the corn around the negotiating table in the middle of that river, they know that my team will be right behind them. That’s what people voted for. That’s what we will deliver. Now let’s get to work.