‘ At best the latest calendar looks a ‘ mess, at worst it is a total disaster

soft tummy folds unapologetically on display, a takeaway coffee in hand; singersongwriter Patti Smith, bare-faced and fully clothed in jeans and Doctor Martens; Yoko Ono, in top hat and tuxedo, her spindly legs clad in black tights; and tennis champion Venus Williams, masculine and muscular like a Greek warrior.

If the grease monkeys were less than thrilled by Leibovitz’s take, then 2017’s cannot have improved matters. Not a hint of sweat and smoulder, just a line up of actresses ‘sérieuses’, make-up free and wearing simple leotards: Nicole Kidman, Julianne Moore, Uma Thurman, Kate Winslet, Helen Mirren. Beautiful, of course; but the very opposite of steamy.

There is something self- consciously sanctimonious about this about-turn in tone, something irritatingly opportunistic. It speaks to one of the least joyous social trends of our times: a virtue signalling culture that has lost all sense of mischief.

Nevertheless, there is a certain logic to it. In a world saturated by the influences of online porn, nudity has very little shock value any more.

CreaTING

something genuinely subversive — which has always been the point of the Pirelli calendar — is very hard to do.

Perhaps the solution is to go in a completely different direction altogether. To produce a postporn Pirelli calendar that turns the entire notion on its head. Perhaps, then, that was the premise behind 2018’s interpretation, styled by none other than the new editor of British Vogue, edward enninful.

It’s certainly not sexy in any way. Not only are the models wearing more clothes than an eskimo in January, they also look pretty hideous. The alice In Wonderland theme is played out by models, rappers, actors and a drag queen in pictures promoting the 2018 calendar.

Thus we have two blokes wearing brown cowls and dressed as playing cards; a young woman in what appears to be a giant blue Nylon quilt; Naomi Campbell in some sort of mesh arrangement worn over a double-breasted suit; Sean Combs (aka the american rapper P Diddy) in padded shoulder-pads and neck chains; the albino model Thando Hopa, dressed like a Victorian bride; and ru Paul, TV’s favourite drag queen, upholstered like the world’s campest sofa in red velvet.

I can’t imagine that lot blowing any gaskets. In fact, I’ve never seen such a collection of self-consciously glum faces. even ru Paul (whose show, ru Paul’s Drag race, is a favourite with my teenage daughter and her friends), seems to be less than her exuberant self.

The reason for this, it transpires, is that this is not just a calendar shoot, not just an overpriced marketing tool for tyres, a bit of a laugh to hang on a garage wall. It is, in fact, a Statement, a Vision, and, as Mr Combs recently told the New York Times: ‘a chance to push social consciousness and break down barriers.’

Or, as Vogue’s new boss enninful puts it: ‘It is about all creeds, all colours, all sizes and people just living their truths. a lot of this is about digital giving people voices, and a new generation who refuse to compromise and want answers to the questions that matter to them.

‘Given the state of the world we live in, sometimes I think we all feel like we’ve fallen down the rabbit hole. ‘For me, a retelling of alice for the modern world was a perfect project, particularly once the cast fell into place.’

The thing about pushing boundaries — as enninful clearly thinks he is — is that there is no point in pushing them simply for the sake of it. There has to be a coherent purpose. and try as I might, I simply cannot find it in these pictures.

enninful says: ‘For me, a fashion story works best when it says something about the times we live in.’

Maybe I’m being dense, but what his peculiar Pirelli tableaux says about life today is anyone’s guess. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that the images aren’t very good.

The whole notion of ‘ retelling alice for the modern world’ is some of the most pretentious twaddle I’ve ever seen or heard. at best, it looks a bit of a mess, at worse it’s a complete disaster.

In fact, I’m starting to wonder whether enninful isn’t in fact the person behind Beyonce’s recent spate of ridiculous bikini-in-aveil photo-shoots.

It’s certainly hard to reconcile the pictures with enninful’s catchphrase, said to be ‘rich, rich, rich and chic, chic, chic’. He said it came from working for anna Wintour at american Vogue who once had to veto his proposal of a photo-shoot in a car park on the grounds that it would not appeal to the magazine’s audience of rich women.

I’m sure that Conde Nast would not have hired enninful if they were not genuinely convinced he is up to the job.

BUT

if this pretentious, overblown, self-indulgent and frankly hideous photo-fantasy is any indication of his work, then either someone has a very strange sense of humour or they have seriously miscalculated and they — and the readers of Vogue — are in for a nasty surprise.

already enninful has made himself unpopular by firing key long-standing members of staff, including deputy editor emily Sheffield, Samantha Cameron’s sister, and former fashion director Lucinda Chambers, who recently gave a very bitter and unflattering assessment of life on planet fashion.

But who knows? Perhaps theirs will turn out to have been a very lucky escape.