I spied on my wife's phone ro see if she really was cheating

DEAR BEL,

I HAVE been married for 27 years. We’ve had really good times and some tough ones. I’m writing because of what occurred about three years ago and how it still makes me feel today.

Over the years, I have suspected (on several occasions) that she was cheating, but never knew exactly what to do and never confronted her. Three years ago, suspicious again, I found online articles that listed signs to look out for when your spouse is cheating. All fitted.

I still wasn’t convinced so I located her phone with Find My iPhone (the first time I had ever used this) and it was in a hotel down the street.

The GPS location stayed there for an hour and I called her with no response. I followed the GPS signal as it came to our driveway and into our house. At this point, I still hadn’t let her know I knew what was up and I didn’t confront her.

I didn’t sleep — one of the toughest nights of my life. Next morning, she left for her part-time job, but this time I followed her by way of GPS and, sure enough, she did go to work.

But after her car pulled into the parking place, the GPS signal started moving again and didn’t stop until it went into a house in a nearby neighbourhood. However, the signal became skewed so I couldn’t tell exactly which house (in a group of three) it could be.

I probably should have hired an investigator, but didn’t. Instead, I confronted her and to my total shock she denied the whole thing.

We split up for two months and have now been back together for about two-and-a-half years. She still denies any wrongdoing, but I can’t get over what happened and it gets in the way of our life.

I want to trust her again, but just can’t seem to get there.

Mostly, I’m happy and think she is, too, half the time, because she says she loves me and I tell her the same — until the no-trust monster knocks on my door.

Then I’m miserable. Do you have any suggestions? DAN

Last week’s lead letter was a story of infidelity, headlined, ‘What can I do to get my husband to forgive my cheating?’ Now your story is the other side of the coin, and you will have much sympathy with that wronged husband. the wife, ‘Jayne’, told me: ‘I regret my affair so much I could die. I wish I could make Joe believe me, but why should he?’

One regular reader called Val commented on Facebook: ‘that letter really shocked me. I think she’ll cheat again and again. Poor bloke.’

so here we are with you, another

‘ poor bloke’ tortured by ‘ the no-trust monster’ — enduring the jealous agonies that caused Joe to banish Jayne from their bed.

But obviously your stories are different, for Jayne confessed and was truly (I hope) sorry, whereas your wife is still declaring her innocence.

Is she lying? I agree the circumstances were suspicious, but how can we know?

YOUr letter left me conflicted — understanding your reasons for sleuthing (or stalking?), yet feeling rather uneasy about this tracking phone business, as well as your historic inability to face up to issues head-on.

Since you felt suspicious of your wife ‘ on several occasions’ over 27 years, why on earth did you never think this a fit subject for conversation? You say you ‘never knew exactly what to do’, when the obvious thing would have been to be honest.

Many people reading this (men and women alike) might think your silence astonishingly feeble.

If she was, indeed, cheating, that rabbit-in-the-headlights paralysis gave her carte blanche. If she wasn’t, you missed the chance to look seriously at your own desperate insecurity.

Ignoring the whole issue gave it plenty of time to fester, and you’re paying the price now. I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic, because I do feel very sorry for you.

Had you hired a private investigator, you might have garnered absolute proof of infidelity, but it would have cost you money to feel even worse than you do now.

One thing I’m sure of: your marriage has deep cracks at its heart that can’t be healed by mutual declarations of love and a fake show of reconciliation.

The monster will always be lurking on your doorstep and rattling the letterbox on dark nights. That monster is called Loss and represents the ideal of happy marriage you once had.

NOW, I suggest this is too big for you to handle alone. You need to sit down with your wife and explain that you have felt suspicious of her for years. She will be angry, perhaps, but your tone must remain calm.

Tell her that the trial separation of two months gave you time to think and that you know you want to spend the rest of your life with her, but not like this.

You cannot live like this, waiting for the next time you feel you must scurry around like a pathetic victim, wondering if she is in bed with somebody else.

Insist that you need to go to couple counselling (see relate.org.

uk) and work out the way forward. I see no alternative.