This isn’t fake news: I’m the best Scout ever
Scenes from The Early Years of Donald J. Trump. Part One: The young Donald recites the Boy Scout Law
Number 1. The greatest number in the history of the world. So let’s start with number one in the boy Scout Law, that’s a great, great place to start, because one comes first, so it’s the winner, it’s a great big beautiful winner. Despite what they try and tell you, those liars and losers.
‘So the first Scout Law is this, and it’s beautiful, one of the most beautiful, beautiful laws in the world. “A Scout is loyal,” so loyal, he’s the loyalest loyal person in all this whole wide world.
‘by the way: who’s the most disloyal person on this incredible planet of ours, the most horribly disloyal person you could ever possibly meet? Just a question. I’ll tell you who, I’ll tell you.
‘He’s the present Chief Scout, that’s who. believe me, he’s the worst Chief Scout who ever existed, so bad, so bad. The weakest Chief Scout in the entire history of the world. And that’s why today ten-year-old Donald J. Trump is declaring his intention to run for the position of Chief Scout! Which brings me to . . .
‘Law Number 2. A scout is friendly and considerate. Shame! That must be the worst law ever made. And, by the way, when I get to be Chief Scout — and note that’s “when” not “if”, folks! — it’ll all be very, very different. big change, big change!
‘believe me, no one ever won being “friendly and considerate”. No way. No one in the entire history of the known universe ever won like that. You show me “friendly and considerate”, and I’ll show you weak and pathetic loser.
‘And, by the way, when I’m Chief Scout, there’s going to be the hugest changes. First, we’re going to change rule Number 2. And you know what we’re going to be changing it to? “A Scout is unfriendly and inconsiderate. That way, a Scout shows them who’s boss.” And now let me tell you . . .
‘Number 3. A Scout belongs to the worldwide family of Scouts. And you know what? before long, the so- called worldwide family of Scouts will belong to me! And you know what I’ll say to anyone in the family who’s disloyal and weak and a loser? right first time, folks. I’ll say: “YOu’re FIreD!” believe me, when we’re in charge, we plan to make so many beautiful changes to the worldwide family, changes you wouldn’t believe. billions and billions and billions of great, great changes. We’re going to rebuild the Scout movement and make it great again! Incredible!
‘What’s with those badges? You better believe this. Yesterday, I made my patrol leader a brilliant offer. I said: “You give me ten beautiful new badges, mr big Guy, and I’ll give you the money up front, no strings attached, it’s a beautiful, beautiful deal.”
‘I thought, no way can he refuse. but you know what? He said: “These badges are not for sale.” These. badges. Are. Not. For. Sale. Can you believe that? unbelievable! unbelievable! They call themselves an organisation, they say they’re so big and so great — but they won’t even sell you a pathetic little badge! unbelievable!
‘Number 4. A Scout has courage in all difficulties. I’ve known so many great people in my brief life. unbelievable. So, I have to tell you, there’s one who sticks in my mind. A young kid, no more than ten years of age. but his courage will stay with me for all the days of my incredible life.
‘And you know who I’m talking about? right first time. It’s me — Donald J. Trump. A young kid with courage like you wouldn’ t believe. And I’ll tell you what. I have the courage — the hard-won courage — to repeal these outdated Scout Laws. They won’t sell you a badge, even when you offer to spend your hard-earned money? And they call that a business? Incredible! When I get to be Chief Scout, believe me, we’ll make the biggest changes.
‘Number 5. A Scout makes good use of his time and is careful of his possessions and property.
‘You seen my possessions and property? You seen them? They’re so much bigger and better than yours, and they’re all mine, so you bet I intend to take good care of them. And that’s why one of our new Scout Laws is going to be No money Spent On Security Is ever, ever Wasted.
‘Number 6. A Scout has selfrespect and respect for others.
‘Of course, I respect myself. I respect myself better and deeper and wider and fuller than anyone else has ever respected anyone in the history of this great planet. No one beats me in self-respect. I mean, who wouldn’t respect me? Only total losers. Total, weak and pathetic dishonest losers!’