My daughter got married without me
novelIst, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 61, answers your questions . . .
QRECENTLY, I learned that my 28-year-old and only daughter got married without telling me.
She was on holiday with her long-term boyfriend, when they spontaneously decided to tie the knot. It was a private ceremony, with just the two of them on a beach.
We only found out because she sent us a photo! I’m in a state of shock — it sounds cliched, but I’ve been dreaming about planning this wedding since she was born, and I never thought she’d do something like this.
They are both over the moon, of course, and I know this shouldn’t be about me, but I can’t help feeling a little hurt — as if I’ve missed out on something that I can never get back.
How can I make sure that this doesn’t affect my relationship with my daughter?
AMost mothers, if they’re honest, have wedding dreams for their daughters. However frothy and twinkly it sounds, you can ’t help but imagine the day she’ll be a bride.
Whether it’s looking forward to choosing the dress or thinking about gathering together your favourite people, it’s a happy daydream about a lovely occasion.
several things get left out of this fantasy. one is the choice of bridegroom. once there’s an actual person in the frame, he has to be considered, too.
the other is the woman your daughter becomes — one who may not share your vision.
Your daughter obviously believes in marriage, even if her views on the big day aren ’t the same as yours. she’ll probably have been only too aware of what sort of wedding you envisaged.As she got older, she’ll have known she wasn’t the sort of person to enjoy being centre-stage.Rather than let you down by having arguments over what she wanted, she’s started her new life without any fanfare or fuss.Your daughter hasn ’t merely got married, she’s become someone’s life partner.If you ’d gone through the planning stages of her wedding, you might have found yourselves discussing her future. You can still have those conv ersations. Y ou haven’t lost the opportunity to talk. Now she’s a wife, you have even more in common.I’m sure your daughter didn ’t deliberately set out to hurt you.At the moment, she’s in that ‘just married’ state, where you think everyone in the world is as happy as you. When the dust settles, she may feel sad that you weren’t around to share her day.she might feel guilty about disappointing you, too. But until she tells you she has any regrets, don’t mention yours. Y ou can suggest a celebration, but be guided by her about what form it takes. Don ’t start inviting the usual suspects if she just wants dinner with you and her in-laws.Incidentally, his parents may be upset, too. Why not get in touch and congratulate them? Your place in her life hasn ’t changed just because you didn’t get to choose a hat.
If you have a question for Janet, please email it to janetellis@dailymail.co.uk