We want to help our lonely neighbour
DEAR BEL, I AM writing to you for advice on the best way to help a friend.
Our neighbour moved to this country about six years ago. Recently, she came round to ask me and my husband for a small favour while her husband was away, which was brave of her as she is very lonely, isolated and seeing a doctor for depression.
She comes from a large family, but can’t afford the flight to see them. She doesn’t drive or have a job because her English is not fluent enough. There are no local classes.
The other mothers at her little boy’s nursery say hello to her, but aren’t that friendly. My husband and I found it quite hard to make new friends when we moved here five years ago, but we have each other. We are helping her with her English and going through mock tests for the written driving exam every week.
She is 43 and has a lovely little boy of three. Her husband is much older than her and is often away. I get the impression the relationship isn’t great, probably because of the language barrier. She speaks some English, but not fluently and he is not fluent in her language. He doesn’t help her with her English . . . perhaps to keep her dependent?
She is such a lovely person, and grateful to have found two new friends — but I don’t think we’re enough, as we are of pension age and not in great health. I very much want her to find the happiness she deserves. EILEEN
MAYBE this won’t seem a pressing problem to some readers, but I print your letter as a beacon of light — something that’s always needed in a world full of bad news and (I’m afraid) nasty people.
There you are, two pensioners, so full of concern for a stranger that you write to me to ask how you might help her more. Coincidentally, I’ve been reading a delightful paperback called Stories Of The Stranger (edited by Martin Palmer and Katriana Hazell), which is a lucky dip of 20 tales from around the world, about the importance of caring for others who are far from home.
It has made me think very hard about how I would behave — and currently (with migration and refugees so much in the news) it’s a vital moral question. That is why your email warms my heart.
I can understand you feeling that this lady needs friends of her own age, but let’s not undervalue what you’re giving. To be providing help with her English and the driving test is of inestimable value, as I’m sure she knows. And such gifts of time can be beneficial in unexpected ways, especially if you engage her in English conversation about her own country and culture.
Younger friends almost certainly wouldn’t have time; that’s why what you are doing is so marvellous. And she may need help with childcare this summer, so maybe it would be fun for you to visit charity shops and collect a few toys to entertain her little one. How about a couple of Peppa Pig dVds? I know you mention your health, but good karma can keep us young!
Have you asked her husband to visit? Had them round for tea and cakes? Sometimes we don’t do the obvious things because we feel they won’t be welcome, but it’s always good to offer hospitality.
As there are no language classes nearby, you might suggest to him that she does an online course. The more she sees you for a chat, the better her English will become — but surely it would be good for her to have a proper grounding? Anyway, this husband may not even know she is feeling lonely, in which case he needs a nudge.
I’m hoping you have made friends locally, in which case, could you arrange a small gathering for her to meet them? Again, don’t be diffident because of age. What counts is friendship and actions.
Had you written a letter, an address would have enabled me to research resources near you. But perhaps people you know could suggest clubs, churches and activities? Remember, your peers may have children of your lovely new friend’s age.
This lady needs attention — and (who knows?) her depression may turn out to be age-old loneliness in a new country. It’s worth us all pausing for a moment to imagine how that must feel. Good luck and well done, you lovely people.